General No Title... No Words.

[Sweetpea76]

One of the hardest things to accept is when your child's other parent buggers off and stops being a parent. It's incomprehensible that somebody could abandon the adorable awesome kid/s that are your entire life... But not everybody bonds with their kids like that or is cut out to be a parent.

I bet if you asked single parents in that situation, a whole lot of them will tell you that they were gobsmacked that their ex partners abandoned their kids.

All you can do is stop trying to figure out "why" and just deal with it. There is no good answer for "why".

Your daughter is still really young. Chances are she won't remember you guys splitting up when she's older.... And she'll form her own opinion of her dad in time. You can't protect her from the hurt he is going to cause her. There is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Just do the right thing on your end, and be there for her when she's hurting.

It blows big hairy goat balls... But it's life.

My kids were 4 and 15 months when my ex split. They have probably only seen them 6 times since, and they are happy, healthy, well adjusted teenagers/ young adults now. You know why? Because they were raised in the happy, healthy, well adjusted home that *I* provided.

 

[Fadeaway]

@FridayJones I think you are seeing this through the lens of your own situation. on the flip side, that means you can see how he is interpreting @Livy's Moms actions in a way she can't. I can kind of understand both sides. He is being a jerk and a crap father, but his interpretation or her actions, is probably not the message she thinks she is sending. Hope that makes sense.

 

[Rumors]

53- I's
20 some me and my's in your post above.

"There has not been a single word spoken of myself and my feelings. Never."

The entire post above was about you...

Just saying... I get divorce is not easy but when you say you can't see why he is mad at you because you haven't done anything ??? We are all guilty of doing things in marriages. Not listening to your partner is probably one of the worst and not owning your share can be even harder. It's like saying, "I haven't done sh*t except be a great wife and if things aren't perfect that is on you not me..." He may have legitimate complaints but it is apparent that perhaps you aren't ready to hear them. I'm not saying you are at total fault. Just saying that do you want to be the "right" person at the expense of your daughter?

He obviously needs help with his alcohol issues... Not good. Certainly would be careful letting her in a car with him...

 

[Sweetpea76]

Just to be fair... This was a venting post written from her point of view. Her husband has unmanaged PTSD, is self medicating with alcohol, and just up and walked out on her and their daughter. She's confused, heartbroken, and pissed off. Who wouldn't be?

She came here to say things she can't say to him. If he's in a bad spot right now, he isn't too likely to be compassionate and sympathetic to her or her daughter's needs.

A lot of supporters come here to vent and get things off their chests. It's a chance to stomp around loudly after tiptoeing around on eggshells all day.

 

[Livy's Mom]

To further clarify and apparently defend myself, there are many things I have done throughout our relationship that would be classified as undesirable, we all have but let me be very clear about this...

The only blame I will ever accept is being to caught up in raising my daughter to notice the decline he was obviously taking. I suppose if I walked on eggshells more or took the full 100% of family responsibilities instead of 90% then maybe just maybe he wouldn't have walked without explanation. Which by the way is precisely what happened and still persists.

I wish there was something so horrible about me, my actions or our relationship to pin this on because then I may be able to reconcile it in my brain and heart and move on.

I'm not a prideful woman and like everyone I certainly have flaws but what has happened had nothing REPEAT nothing to do with me.

The man has never given a single reason related to my actions as to why he left and why our relationship is so horrific. The only thing he has said is I'm not in love with you.

For those who are playing devils advocate here, which albeit a little sharp, I would ask of you what "not being in love with me" has to do with loving his daughter?!

I do feel a little bit attacked her which is disheartening considering that I posted this in the supporter section BUT I do appreciate the different perspective.

Your perspective helps me understand how he may be viewing my actions and I need that.

You may proceed blaming me now

 

[Fadeaway]

I don't blame you and I hope my post didn't come across like that. If it did I apologize. I was only trying to pointing out that he is probably interpreting your words and actions differently than you intend them.

 

[Livy's Mom]

No worries, I have thick skin. It's a must have in these relationships right :)

I do appreciate the different perspective. I really do. My intentions are good so if the way I deliver my messages is not being received as such I want to know. I can't discuss it with him so although we don't know for sure that he has the same perception, based on how you all reacted to it I can probably assume yes.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

53- I's
20 some me and my's in your post above.
"There has not been a single word spoken of myself and my feelings. Never."
The entire post above was about you...

@Rumors you appear to have missed the bit in @Livy's Mom's earlier post:

I come here to let those feeling out. I come here and let them out to make damn sure they are never spoken to him and used as a piss poor excuse for not being with his daughter.

And here is exactly the place to come. I think all supporter's come here to say things we can't in 'real life', as well as for our own support and different perspectives, such as @FridayJones' response to your text.

And don't forget, if you need a full blown rant and aren't looking for a reply, there is always https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-angry-thread.31209/

 

[Stickler]

Glad you explained the situation more thoroughly, thanks.

I agree just walking into your house unannounced isn't ok.
( you're paying for all of it, it's pretty much your house, and that ought to be official)

I still think that that you might want to communicate all needful things through a third party. Meeting with a mediator to iron practical stuff out would be good, if he can be arsed to actually show up?

Maybe this is due to my own PTSD. But he's now done this twice? I think that my own trust would be entirely shot and I would not want him back.

That's why I kind of assumed you'd allow him to succeed in driving you away. Why he feels the need to totally drive you away from himself and torpedo his marriage? I don't know.

But here's me guessing in true armchair-psychologist fashion and pulling things out of my butt...

...I note that the first time he did this, you were exceedingly focused on being mom. You have been exceedingly focused on being mom the second time that he's done this...work and small child and so forth.
Now, borderline personality disordered peeps will find it next to impossible to TELL YOU that they feel abandoned. But they do. That's the main driving factor in BPD, they feel abandoned very easily.
So they withdraw, stew, then lash out...may even pre-emptively torpedo their supportive relationships if it subjectively feels like ( to the borderline ) that they are being abandoned. Borderlines live in the RIGHT NOW, and if he feels abandoned in the now? All the prior support you have given him can mentally go right out the window if he feels abandoned.
So you are stressed, busy. You expect to not have to cater to your husband because he's an adult, right? But he...gets triggered by your busyness and perceived distance.
In response he retreats to the maturity level of a small child. MOMMY I HATE YOU!
...It's totally irrational. It's really hard for him to understand that he's lashing out in a protracted triggered state, while trying to anesthetize the pain of same with tons of alcohol.
He makes fleeting attempts to -Adult- for his kid? but for the most part he's stuck in MOMMY I HATE YOU! mode. Psychologically he's an adult child right now. This sort of damage seems to usually stem from neglect or abuse in early childhood, so if I'm right his parents would probably be very cold and uncaring?
...Again, all that's a guess as to what's going on in his head, and why he's lashing out at you.

You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it...you ain't part of Dion Warwick's psychic network.
If he needed more praise, attention and love he needed to jolly well ask. Not stew and lash out, expecting YOU to figure out what was wrong? He probably isn't self-aware enough to realize that's even the problem...and that's another problem!

Regardless of whether I have correctly pinned the causes down?
Sans effective therapy, he's almost certainly going to do this again, should you take him back.
...I don't think you should put up with it and drag your child along with you. That's why I think filing for divorce is best. :( You love him, but he's not good for you.

He needs to do years of work on himself before he can be a good partner...work that he shows no sign of wanting to do. Much easier to blame you for everything.

 

[Pretty Hurts]

In response he retreats to the maturity level of a small child. MOMMY I HATE YOU!

...It's totally irrational. It's really hard for him to understand that he's lashing out in a protracted triggered state, while trying to anesthetize the pain of same with tons of alcohol....Psychologically he's an adult child right now.

i just had a lightbulb moment....thank you.

 

[nursenurse]

I am a little late to this conversation, but I just want to throw my support behind you, @Livy's Mom. You do not need to defend yourself repeatedly. No where did I get the impression that you were ever denying him access. What I see happening is you trying to establish routine. I hope you are doing this through the courts. No one has the right to breeze in and out like that. It does no one including him any good, and is especially confusing to your daughter. Set visitation and custody through the court system is what we have been encouraging you to do, anything less is going to create pandemonium, as it already has. Chin up, lots of varied opinions here, but setting legal boundaries is the right thing to do.

 

[Livy's Mom]

Thank you @nursenurse. That is what is happening. It's a slow process so pandemonium it had been for a bit.

We haven't heard from him at all since then which has been a relief in many ways but of course it's still very painful.

My little one brings him up more and more every day. That hurts.

Anyway, I'm putting forth my best effort to make sure we both have a great holiday.

I hope you all have a beautiful holiday as well.