Relationship Hold On Or Let Go?

[medley29]

I am officially at a loss. My sufferer has been shutting me out for about two months. I haven't seen him or talked on the phone to him in that time. Just the occasional text message. At this point it's been nearly two weeks since I've heard anything. The last time we talked was Thanksgiving, and it was less than a pleasant conversation.. Even so, I asked him if he had broken up with me, and he said no. But he doesn't seem to have an interest in seeing me, and he rarely responds. I see him all over social media, which I hear is an escape for him. I try to keep that in mind.

I care so much, and I don't want to walk away from him. But at this point, I'm afraid he doesn't want me. I still have a key to his house, and I still have stuff there. He hasn't told me to come get it... Yet I hear nothing from him. And on Thanksgiving he was very harsh and angry and told me that i wasn't giving him enough space, even though I haven't called, haven't asked to see him, haven't pushed him to talk to me. So I backed off even more. I waited 10 days before I even sent a simple text again, and still got no reply.

Not too long ago I lost my job and in turn my apartment. I found a new job, but I've been having to live with a family member until I can get back on my feet. Today that family member was very disrespectful to me and kicked me out. I didn't get a response when I told my sufferer about it. I've been trying so hard to be patient and put his needs first. Before today I haven't told him any of the difficult or negative things going on in my life for fear it would make his issues worse. I've tried to only be positive when speaking to him, and I have reached out to friends when I needed to vent. But how long do I deal with this? I feel unwanted, rejected, and completely useless to him. Do any other carers feel as if their sufferer hates them sometimes? I am at a loss of what to do. I feel selfish for thinking of what I want or need when I know he is suffering. Lately though, his silence and anger has triggered my own anxiety and depression, to the point that I'm just numb. I end up questioning myself, wondering if I am making this worse on him. I love him. Very much so. But I don't want to spend too much time waiting on someone who doesn't want me. How do I know if his standoffishness is the PTSD or if he's just done with me and is stringing me along or being a jerk? The man he was before he was triggered this time was vibrant and fun and full of life and jokes and affection. Is this strictly his PTSD, or has he lost his affection for me? People tell me not to take it personally, but that's difficult when it seems like they don't give a damn about you. What if it IS just me, making things harder on him when he wants to just be through? Sorry this is so long. I've reached the point of being overwhelmed.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder does not mean one has no responsibility for their actions.

I'm more concerned about you. Why do you reject your needs and feel less than?
Relationships are give and take. What has he done to show you that he wants a healthy relationship? Does he go to counseling, practice coping skills or do any work in emotion regulation?

What is your investment in this relationship? What is his?

At the end of the day we are responsible for our mental health and wellbeing, no one else's and no one else can be responsible for us.
Being supportive is wonderful, enabling, not so much and it's a fine line. I hope things work out lor the best.

 

[queen]

It's tough, and I can definitely relate to a lot of what you say, @medley29. I just went through a month+ of no contact from my sufferer, due to (what seemed to me) a very minor issue that he took the wrong way. It was the longest period of time we had gone without contact, and I mean NO contact, not even a text. Then out of the blue he appeared again as if nothing happened and when I asked him about it he just said "I was irritated at you."

You asked if there are times when you think your sufferer hates you.... I don't think he hates me ever, but I do know that I trigger him and irritate the bejesus out of him sometimes. Which he lets me know about, of course. ;) There are also times when if feels like my needs don't matter and he has zero f***'s to give.

But.

I will say that when I tell him how I'm feeling and what bothers me, later (sometimes much MUCH later) I notice him making more of an effort to be sensitive to those needs and less selfish. It's taking an act of God and may Congress for me to practice patience with this whole process, giving him his time and space, trying not to drop too much "emotion and smothering" as he calls it on him, and let him sort it out. I'm still doing so much learning and growing myself about how to be with him, finding balance, and trying to stay sane.

If you can distract yourself, and just continue to live your life while he's sorting his own stuff out, he may come around to you again in a different head space. But focus on you first and foremost.

 

[medley29]

It's tough, and I can definitely relate to a lot of what you say, @medley29. I just wen...

@queen, a lot of what you say resonates with me, too. I've learned to do my own thing and go about my life and focus on what I need to do. I go to work, go out with my friends, go to church, spend time to myself, do whatever. I used to let him know here and there what I was up to and what my plans were, but now I don't bother. I just live my life. I'm part of a small support group of women from different parts of the country who are also in my position. I couldn't make it without them.

I think part of the problem is, I haven't gotten to tell him how I feel about any of this. Some days it eats me alive. Where I'm at in my head right now it's hard to fathom just ignoring someone you care about. But I know to him it's not that simple. I need the chance to set boundaries with him and I haven't gotten that. He's not bothering to message back right now, so I have a hard time telling if he's trying or not. It's all just so confusing.

 

[queen]

I think part of the problem is, I haven't gotten to tell him how I feel about any of this.

Yup. I actually was afraid to tell my sufferer how I was feeling because when I'd express the slightest emotions or deeper stuff, he'd either shut down or get irritated. It took him a long time to even say to me (well, in a text) that he doesn't easily open up (like that was a big shocker to me...) and that he doesn't handle feelings (his or others') well (also a huge surprise). It was actually in a moment of frustration with him that I sent him a bunch of messages about how I felt, how it hurts when he disappears, how I can't just shut my emotions off when it comes to him, and if that's what he's looking for, I can't do it. It was the first time I'd set any sort of boundary or expectation with him, and it came completely out of frustration, anger, and pain. His response was a little surprising too. He said that he doesn't expect me to change how I am or how I express myself, but that he can't handle it all of the time. Not that he can't handle it period, just not as much as I'm dishing out. So what I was expecting to be some huge blow-up with him telling me to go jump off a bridge turned into something productive (I think). At least we both know a bit more about where the other stands, what we want, and what we're willing to do.

I say all that to say this.... Maybe a well-crafted, succinct message to him stating some of those things might be helpful for you. So at least you know that you've put it out there what's bothering you and what you need, and then leave the ball in his court. He may need some time to process, but if he can deal with it, he'll let you know. And if he can't, he'll also let you know. Or if he can deal with it, with conditions. Either way, I think it's just as important for you to be able to express your feelings and needs as it is for him to have his time/space to mull it over.

 

[medley29]

Yup. I actually was afraid to tell my sufferer how I was feeling because when I'd express the slightest em...

It's like everything is 50/50 with them. There's a 50% chance that this text will start WWIII, but there's also a 50% chance that they will shock the hell out of you and say something productive. Thanksgiving I was so frustrated with him that I just put my thoughts and questions out there kinda like you said, out of anger, hurt, and frustration. When he responded, it was with things I needed to know, even though he ripped me a new one while telling me said things. Sometimes I'm afraid me saying something is going to cause him to lash out and tell me to go f*** myself. I've also heard not to set boundaries while they're going through the tough time, but we are at the two month mark with his isolation with no signs of improvement happening soon. I may have to set that boundary soon. I think @Sweetpea76 said it this way, and it stuck with me, but I won't give him an ultimatum or place restrictions on him, but communicate that for me to be in a relationship, XYZ must happen. In this case being the occasional "I'm not dead, I don't hate your guts" text.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Boundaries are good... But if he's isolating, any "come to Jesus" talk is going to be like throwing gasoline on a fire. Isolation usually doesn't have anything to do with us supporters. Usually it's all about our sufferers needing a break from life because they just can't handle anything anymore. Imagine being that stressed out... Now imagine an upset partner wanting to have a highly emotional relationship talk. Instant overflowing cup.

Honestly, I'd just leave him alone at this point in time. Right now it's up to YOU to decide how long you want to wait on him. He doesn't get to tell you when you're broken up, you can decide that too. If you've had enough stress, anxiety, and lonliness, then move on. If you want to wait, then that is also your prerogative. However you can't force him to communicate. He'll have to come out of isolation on his own.

As far as boundaries, I'd decide once and for all if I was committed to my limit before setting it. If you tell him you cannot tolerate being in a relationship when there is no contact, then you have to be ready to stand by that and leave if there is no contact. It's not about making him do it not do anything... It's laying down your limit.