firebloodteeth
New Here
This is my first time posting here. I recently had a PTSD meltdown and am feeling embarrassed and ashamed. Growing up, we never lacked in material things, but my mom had some anger issues. It is as if she has two sides to her; on the one side, she can be very caring and sacrificial to her family, on the other, she has anger issues and would lash out at my brother and I when we were children. We never knew what would set her off. Anything we said or did would cause her to react with anger and she would hit us with whatever was around- a broom, a rake, a fly swatter, her fists. I remember one day when I was about 8 years old and my brother was 10. My mom was determined to rake all of the leaves out of the yard, and she instructed my brother and I to help her. We raked the leaves into piles, but, being as we were kids, we would break into play and jump into the leaves. This angered her so much, that she started beating us with the rake and yelling about how unappreciative we were. We both ran to hide, and she pursued each of us until she could have the satisfaction of beating us. I remember hiding in a closet for 2 hours praying that she wouldn't find me, still unsure of what I had done wrong, and worried for my brother. That closet became my go-to hiding place.
She was physically abusive to us until we became teenagers. She stopped hitting my brother when he reached about 14 or 15 (he grew bigger than her) but maybe because I was younger and smaller and a girl, she would still lash out at me until I moved out of the house at 18. I think the worst part about it was that after she had calmed down, she would act as if nothing had happened. She would go back to being this warmly-smiling, Mother Teresa-type mom who made dinner every night, and if we were upset about anything she acted as if we were crazy to be upset. She would act astonished that we could possibly be upset about anything, that nothing was wrong. She would never acknowledge the abuse. I guess this is some form of gas-lighting. She still maintains this image to this day, and no one who knows her would ever guess that she used to be physically abusive to us. This makes it more frustrating.
The abuse affected my brother and I quite differently. My brother turned inward, never able to express his emotions, and later developed Schizotypal Personality Disorder, which he still suffers from to this day. I would act out emotionally and break things. Usually small things, like my own toys or the remote control. Acting out like this was clearly a symptom of the physical abuse, but my mom would act like it was so shocking to her, like she had no idea why I would act this way. She would act as if something was just wrong with me, in complete denial over her own behavior. She still maintains this delusion to this day.
I was diagnosed with PTSD in college (5+ years ago) and have meltdowns from time to time, stemming from the childhood abuse as well as some nonconsensual sexual experiences that happened when I was a young teenager, but I won't get into that here. I am now almost 30 years old and managing the family business, which means that even though we are in different states, I still have to deal with my mom on occasion. I have moved my brother out here with me so I am helping to take care of him as well, or rather, helping him take care of himself. Getting away from my parents has significantly helped him. However, I still have meltdowns and any time my mom rejects a valid point I have or fails to understand something, it's like a trigger for me. I am deeply resentful of her and extremely protective of my brother. Due to his mental illness, it is difficult to talk about our childhood with him. He actually has blacked out large portions of it. So due to this and my mom's denial, it is almost as if none of this ever happened. That somehow my painful memories and suffering are all in our heads. Just several months ago I opened up to a therapist about it for the first time in my life in detail. I am now in a serious relationship, after avoiding dating altogether for years, and I feel that in order to further develop intimacy, I will have to tell my partner about this abuse eventually.
Any advice or support from someone who has experienced something similar is welcome. Again, this is my first time opening up about this other than to therapists.
She was physically abusive to us until we became teenagers. She stopped hitting my brother when he reached about 14 or 15 (he grew bigger than her) but maybe because I was younger and smaller and a girl, she would still lash out at me until I moved out of the house at 18. I think the worst part about it was that after she had calmed down, she would act as if nothing had happened. She would go back to being this warmly-smiling, Mother Teresa-type mom who made dinner every night, and if we were upset about anything she acted as if we were crazy to be upset. She would act astonished that we could possibly be upset about anything, that nothing was wrong. She would never acknowledge the abuse. I guess this is some form of gas-lighting. She still maintains this image to this day, and no one who knows her would ever guess that she used to be physically abusive to us. This makes it more frustrating.
The abuse affected my brother and I quite differently. My brother turned inward, never able to express his emotions, and later developed Schizotypal Personality Disorder, which he still suffers from to this day. I would act out emotionally and break things. Usually small things, like my own toys or the remote control. Acting out like this was clearly a symptom of the physical abuse, but my mom would act like it was so shocking to her, like she had no idea why I would act this way. She would act as if something was just wrong with me, in complete denial over her own behavior. She still maintains this delusion to this day.
I was diagnosed with PTSD in college (5+ years ago) and have meltdowns from time to time, stemming from the childhood abuse as well as some nonconsensual sexual experiences that happened when I was a young teenager, but I won't get into that here. I am now almost 30 years old and managing the family business, which means that even though we are in different states, I still have to deal with my mom on occasion. I have moved my brother out here with me so I am helping to take care of him as well, or rather, helping him take care of himself. Getting away from my parents has significantly helped him. However, I still have meltdowns and any time my mom rejects a valid point I have or fails to understand something, it's like a trigger for me. I am deeply resentful of her and extremely protective of my brother. Due to his mental illness, it is difficult to talk about our childhood with him. He actually has blacked out large portions of it. So due to this and my mom's denial, it is almost as if none of this ever happened. That somehow my painful memories and suffering are all in our heads. Just several months ago I opened up to a therapist about it for the first time in my life in detail. I am now in a serious relationship, after avoiding dating altogether for years, and I feel that in order to further develop intimacy, I will have to tell my partner about this abuse eventually.
Any advice or support from someone who has experienced something similar is welcome. Again, this is my first time opening up about this other than to therapists.
