What Are You Angry About?

[shiraz]

Not Alone

Sandy, tonight, I came to write about my anger and found that you just had ... one for word ... that is how I feel tonight! So, i guess you and I and probably countless others feel this way ... we are not alone.
:Hug_emoticon:

 

[void]

:clap:Excellent thread, Cyndi!!:clap:

I fear anger. Anger was severely punished in my little corner of the world. My early life taught me that the only person I was allowed to be angry with was my self. This training has created a self hatred and rage that is steadily damaging my body/mind more and more.

The ultimate accomplishment for the abuser is to cause the abused to take over and spend the rest of their days abusing themselves. My family achieved this lofty goal in spades. I am gentle, kind, thoughtful, and caring to everyone (including them) except me. Are you like me? No one that I've ever worked with has ever seen me irritated let alone angry. All they see is a calm poised exterior while inside I am weak, desperate, angry, and toxic with fear and pain. I am angry that I have been made into a self-abuser:mad:.

Void

 

[cyndi]

Yes. I am angry too that I am a self-abuser. (as I light a cigarette) My Dad was always angry. My Mom told me over and over and over ad nauseum how bad that was. I didn't want to be "bad" and children in our house were "to be seen and not heard and most of the time not even seen". So I wasn't allowed to have a voice. I'm angry that it's so hard to say something unless it's to please someone.

I'm angry that so many of us are angry, but sooo glad people are letting it out. Go PTSDers/carers, GO!GO!GO! I got ill the night I wrote my above "purging" my body followed suit, and so did a bunch of memories...along with anger. Wore me the heck out, but this is the good stuff, getting the crap out. Keep it coming people.

 

[morgan]

I'm angry that I can't seem to say the word no. I agree to things just because I don't want to hurt someones feelings and it's usually at my own expense.

 

[Grama-Herc]

I am angry that I have to watch my mother struggle with her post polio syndrome. I am angry that she is opting to be in denial about the self help options open to her and that they do work.

I am angry that I get irritated with her when she forgets stuff and argues with me and calls me stupid. I now know where my "attack mode" comes from when my intelligence is put into question. She does not even know she is doing it, I don't think, but it sure pushes MY buttons.

I am angry that I have to watch mother struggle with age related issues and that she has to age at all. I am angry that she is getting old. I am angry that I am going to lose her. It all is so unfair. She is a good woman and my support system and my rock.

WELL! I didn't know there was quite so much anger in me this morning.

 

[Anonymoose]

I am angry at the inordinate amount of suffering that I've been dealt.

 

[cyndi]

I'm angry that I get so confused. I'm angry that my Mom won't do family therapy. I'm angry that I have to write divorced on forms. I'm angry that I had to turn my life upside down to run from my ex. I'm angry that I can't take a walk outside and feel safe or open my windows. I'm angry that I still scan the area every time I get out of my car. I'm angry that people take advantage of nice people. I'm angry that anyone would rape or touch a child and expect anything less than castration as a result. (if it's a guy) I'm angry at me because I can be very judgemental. I'm angry that I'm so hard on myself. I'm angry that it's so hard to make decisions. I'm angry that my ex messed up my head so much.

Can I be angry that my freezer doesn't automatically refill with ice cream when I run out? I guess so that would be nice. I'm angry that life is so hard and there doesn't seem to be any way around that, PTSD or not. I'm angry that I'm trying to be angry and I keep turning things into a positive as a response. I guess I'm done for tonight, was just checking for lurking anger.

 

[cyndi]

((Void))
Thank you so much for your private message. If my pain does nothing else than to move others than it has been worth it.

Beyond allowing myself to feel the anger, completing the circle and balancing it has been the most healing. I could feel compassion before but not anger. Opening up to allowing myself to feel anger, to express it has been huge for me. This topic post has been so healing for me and I'm touched by others who are doing the same. After I express my anger, I can see more clearly and see that I don't want to be angry, I want to be compassionate. I wish the people who hurt me the same healing I wish for all of us. Not because it is the "right" thing to do, but because I tried it on and it felt GOOD. It felt true to who I want to be. They were wounded too, got off the path of not doing harm. I forgive myself as I forgive them. The two go hand in hand. The ugliness they gave is the ugliness I surpress in me to as I have tried so hard to be "good" and nothing like them. We are all human. We all want love. We all hurt one another. We are ALL capable of being virtuous and nonvirtuous. We are all capable of abusing, murdering, stealing. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Nature and science repeat itself in the nature of our very beings. I saw this first through art and want so desperately to piece it together visually.

I hope this makes some sense. These are the the areas I am learning in and that makes our world make sense to me. Outside of the box, outside of the daily news and shopping malls and neverending errands, needs, wants, bills to drop in the mail, groceries to get, jobs to pay those bills, religion and the people in power defining it as something I know in my heart it is not. I have seen love do so much more than hate.

 

[TLight]

Boy Cyndi,
What you said in your first post on this thread is so how I feel......'have to prostitute myself to get some affection'.......'selfish hands all over my body, my body'

Couldn't have said it better.........and Void, you are right on too...............Geez, it is nice to know I'm not the only one like this..........but sad too.

 

[Salu]

I´m angry for not being able to function as a normal human being is supposed to.

 

[skyp56]

I am angry that so much of my life seems to depend on the schedules and needs and wants of those around me.

For instance, today is Thursday. For most of his life, I was able to see my 4 year-old grandson often. And lately, though not as often, at least nearly every Thursday. This year, he started 4 days a week at his preschool instead of 2. So now I do not get to see him on Thursdays because my daughter does not want to take the time to bring him down after preschool gets over. I miss him so much! Right now, DH and I only have one car (yet another thing I am angry about, and a whole nother story!!:wall:). So I can't just run up and see him, either. I can take him overnight on one of the weekend days, so I know I'm luckier there than a lots of other grandparents. UNLESS, of course, the other grandparents want him (and THEIR needs come before mine, cause the other gramma still works, and I'm on retirement!!) Or unless my daughter and family go out of town for the weekend, which they do often.

Another example: DH does the cooking in our house, so in the evenings, my dinnertime depends on when he gets done with it. So, I have to try to plan to eat either early---or late. Whether he comes home on time or not, or if he has something urgent to do when he does get home. But then one day, he'll come home on time, and get right on making dinner, and get it ready within an hour of getting home. But, wouldn't you know it, those days I'm not hungry cause I had to have a late snack, to wait out the anticipated "usual" delays. Then DH is upset that I didn't eat much.

Anyway, just an idea of what I mean. I can't plan anything, even when I eat my dinner, unless I take into account first my family's needs, THEN my own, and I AM ANGRY!!

I am also angry that I don't know how to express anger without hurting someone's feelings, so I end up bottling it all up!

Thanks for letting me vent!
skyp

 

[void]

(Cyndi your welcome and I have been touched by your story. I have read all of your posts and I see that you have suffered very deeply. May peace replace your pain!:smile:)

Got another reason to be angry just today--->I am now being evaluated for my 9th psychiatric disorder--->Yes that's right---9. (humming to myself)"Don't worry, Be happy" AS IF!!!:mad::mad::mad:

Void