One Thing That Seems To Bring Relief...

[.45 Princess]

Hang in there and do whatever you can to continue being that loving, empathetic person. It will sustain you...

I'm now full of emotions - love, care, empathy - but in the extreme. I now can only see how big of a trail of hurt I leave behind me.

Saw my T earlier today (technically yesterday). It was supposed to be a group but no one else showed up so I had the advantage of having a one-on-one with her instead. I had planned on putting up a facade and omitting the constant suicide ideations/plans, but I ended up caving.
She pointed out this is a wake up call that I need more intensive care/therapy. I agree, but it's too late for me.

I did manage to convince her that I'm not in imminent danger of self harm and saved myself from being 5150'd.

 

[.45 Princess]

I told myself at some point last year that despite knowing I had no hope and could not possibly have a fu...

I'm glad to hear you no longer have thoughts of self harm.
I also used to "stay along just long enough for ___ and then I'll go" quite a lot.
I'm sorry to say the Star Wars movie is not one for me.. It sounds silly but the movie is related to when I lashed out at my boyfriend (because of other triggers) and possibly lost him for good now (still unknown).

Life does change in the most unexpected ways. I view my life as an example. The only one amazing positive change I can see in the past few years though is meeting my boyfriend. Which I have ruined now as well.

 

[.45 Princess]

I'm feeling a bit stupid for posting on here about how ready I am to go/at the point of not returning instead of just doing it.
In a way like "the girl who cried suicide"...

 

[anonymous]

I don't know if you are aware, the site policy is that discussing ideations is acceptable, but discussing a plan and intent is not, as it can trigger others. You're not doing that, but you're skirting it. Posturing is more likely to send people running or get yourself hospitalized than to solicit real concern and help. Hospitalization can be helpful if you're in crisis but you're better off admitting yourself than having that decision made for you.

You're "caving" in disclosing because you care about yourself. That's good, and it can be hard. Keep going with that, telling people how you feel and asking for help. Don't go the route of hinting or suggesting you're gonna end it expecting to coerce help. Better to seek understanding and help with how you're feeling. I'm not trying to be harsh, trying to help.

 

[Ronin]

Being a loving, forgiving, empathetic person (sometimes to a point of being too nice) is one of the main things that keeps me balanced. I am now losing that.

Not in everything, I bet. Point out to yourself the instances you're loving, forgiving, empathetic - even if it shows in different ways than those you're used to.

You are not hopeless just because it's hard to see straight right now and everything is flooded by doom. That's depression & trauma & what not, but not the unchangeable state of things, or your failure.

 

[Ronin]

I'm feeling a bit stupid for posting on here about how ready I am to go

You're asking for help.

That's not only smart, that's courageous, and very considerate of us all' well being and feelings, because you're letting us try to help.

 

[Deleted member 31177]

I told myself at some point last year that despite knowing I had no hope and could not possibly have a fu...

Hey there,

I haven't been on here in awhile, but have lived a life filled with trauma and severe trauma and have also been diagnosed with PTSD and major Depression (and also have some pretty rotten physical disabilities after having been super active in sports, a pro percussionist and dancer (ethnic Brazilian) and just always active) and now a recluse)

I was on my way out the door, had my specific plan to end it, everything I needed, then turned around to my two cats to say good-bye as I had opened the door and closed it to go say good-by to them and wouldn't you know it - I realized just how much love I had for them and how responsible of a pet owner I was and after about 1/2 hour with them I just couldn't do it.

What turned my life around - no, not therapy at all, but volunteering at the kill shelters (County Animal Services, the one where they do euthanize the dogs and cats if it gets too full, or if they are sick or disabled). Comforting those - well, I worked in the cat section, cats, and fostering the elderly and disabled cats brought such joy to my life (even fostered a litter of orphaned kittens, but that was a 24/7 job, feeding them every 3 hours). This completely changed my life and gave me TRUE reason for living. I felt needed, wanted, and those cats and those dogs sure wanted to feel needed and wanted - a match made in heaven!

Volunteering is an avenue you might want to try; especially at an animal shelter, and especially-Ecially at a County Animal Services!! :-) They are SO in need of help all the time. Never enough volunteers, especially for the days they are closed - those animals sometimes have only one volunteer and some don't get fed, and many dogs don't get walked and over holidays, forget about it, they can go 2 days without food or walks or love or seeing a person. I SO miss volunteering, but can't lift anything anymore. :'-( BUT, HIGHLY recommend it - the BEST therapy ever! :-D

 

[.45 Princess]

I don't know if you are aware, the site policy is that discussing ideations is acceptable, but discuss...

Understood. I appreciate your response.

I can see how my post can seem like a "poor me" type of calling out but It honestly isn't. I've always thought if I was going to do it with 100% certainty it would happen without warning.
I'm not posturizing. My recent trauma was caused by someone "posturizing".

This forum and the members here have basically been my social interactions for about a month and have been a godsend. Especially in the chat room.

I just felt this place as a safe place since I no longer feel like I have one and just typed, not hoping for any particular type of response.

I apologize if my post was triggering to anyone. I will be sure to stay mindful of that from now on.

 

[.45 Princess]

You're asking for help.

That's not only smart, that's courageous, and very considerate of us all' well be...

Thank you for your response, Cashew. I guess in a way you could say I was seeking "help".

I was desperately trying to find at least one thing to stop me from doing something permanent.

I'm just having a hard time with so many aspects of this trauma on top of the others (even my T seemed to be a bit lost for moments).

I really appreciate your kind words.

 

[.45 Princess]

Hey there,

I haven't been on here in awhile, but have lived a life filled with trauma and severe traum...

Animals definitely can be therapeutic. I remember the VA had service dogs in training whenever I visited there.
Unfortunately, I'm allergic to most animals and basically the world lol.
I was also a very athletic (played almost every sport. Even boy sports lol) and that drastically changed after a neurological disorder last year.
I remind myself that I should be thankful I got myself to walk again but having less than half the strength and stamina than I had a year ago is quite depressing and angering.

I actually have been looking into volunteering but I guess I gotta pick myself up first in order to do that ;)

 

[Ronin]

I'm just having a hard time with so many aspects of this trauma on top of the others

I understand. This shit is so tangled. Pick whichever aspect you can tackle at the moment and stay alive & as unharmed as possible during it, when having to choose, I'd guess.

Happy you're hanging in there, Ms. .45. ;)

 

[Ronin]

that drastically changed after a neurological disorder last year.

One thing I'd look into:

Where can you use thinking in moves? I mean, a lifetime of processing the world through movement doesn't entirely vanish when one can't do the movement itself. So I'd look where you can use what you have left, and the history you've lived by.