I Realize That I

[BlackbirdSinging]

I realize that I'm not as crazy as I sometimes think when it comes to my mom. My therapist thinks my mom probably has BPD. And every time I talk about things my mom has said or done I feel intensely guilty. I have to remind myself that I'm not making up slanderous stories I'm just repeating an experience. My kids are here and my mom has made both of my kids feel bad with some of her comments and behaviors. Things like mocking or getting defensive or pointing fingers.

I realize that I feel bad that my kids are experiencing this. I'd told my daughter when she got here she would probably notice some differences. She wanted to know what I meant. And now she sees what I meant. It makes me upset that my kids are experiencing this but it does validate me. Previously I struggled with it thinking maybe I'm too sensitive or I was just taking things too personally.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@BlackbirdSinging Sounds like some hard work on your part with yourself and your T. Congrats on the discovery within your healing. ((((hugs)))

 

[Gadgie]

I've just realised just how important the Internet means to me, as I'm Holland just now, staying with my sister and I'm having problems with her Internet connection?

It seems to cut off at any time, or runs so slow that it's really frustrating, compared to my connection back home.

I will be returning on the 4th of January, but my sister is already planning my next trip, which will on my birthday at the end of May. I thought she would have had enough of me already?

 

[Ronin]

And every time I talk about things my mom has said or done I feel intensely guilty.

You're not out of your mind, BBS. Caring & non-toxic people don't make others feel that way, so acknowledging she's toxic for you and looking for what's wrong, however layman you do it with tools you have, is only reasonable.

 

[Anrish]

I realize that I don't need big parties and that I don't feel special when a new year begins.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I realize although many things 'shake me', I am building more tolerance and learning to diffuse some of the negative 'triggers' impact since I have been a member on this board. Occasionally, I forget that they were even triggers until I review my diary. :) Hope yet...one trigger at a time.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I realize that it made me sad last night when my son remarked that my mom seems to be getting "sour in her older age". It made me sad because I wish I could hide her comments and behaviors from him so he wouldn't have to see hear and witness how her behaviors can be.

And it made me sad because the next thing he said was "unless it's just me interpreting it wrong". I quickly said he wasn't. What's sad about it is he sounded just like me questioning rational thoughts. And then wondering like me if he could trust what his impressions were telling him. He has his own depression he's struggling with. I don't want him to feel anything remotely close to the confusing and conflicting feelings I feel about my mom too.

 

[Anrish]

I realize that I don't know how to deal with much free time.

I realize that I can be creative and create someting beautful.

I realize that seeing something beautful and realizing that it's from me....triggers me a lot.

 

[Anrish]

I realize that I don't want to spend my birthday at home. The few 3D friends I have over here are all stuck in projects (building their house...) and my family won't have time to come here on this day. I don't have money to travel far away and so I decided to do something else. I checked the local theatre homepages. Cleo and I will go to the show of a magician and cabaretist. I will have an evening out and won't have to worry about the other stuff - and it's not too expensive and close-by.

 

[Lionheart]

I realize that I'm probably never going to work again unless I find something to do at home, perhaps on the internet,

 

[Britt.f7]

@Anrish Happy belated birthday! I hope you had a great time.

I realize that I am ashamed that I do not work due to disability. I realize all my perceptions of myself involve me being a worker.

 

[Anrish]

@Britt.f7 : Thanks but my birthday won't be before March....;) It's just a bad habit of mine to figure out something early how to spend that day because it was a nasty event more than once...:(