Childhood Early Attachment Problems

[lostforgottensoul]

Bodies are bodies - when they are stimulated in a sexual manner - then there is arousal.

I really do get that part. My therapist and i spent forever on this "human body reaction" cuz the cult members would force me to have sex with big dogs and i always told my therapist "i didnt mean to like it but did so it made them do it more" and he spent forever on oragsim doesnt equal liking it...so i get that; mostly...though i still say i liked my step dad's "gentle sex".

The part i dont get is being outside at work on a break, not thinking about anything or anyone and wham; arousal, like WTF? my therapist says its my brain's way to find safety or feeling safe but im not feeling unsafe. I get that when it happens at night cuz thats when the fear comes. Maybe stress? I dont know but its f*cking frustrating and annoying! And it makes me want to punish myself but i quit smoking so i can burn the underside of my arm or wrist. Sometimes i poke my wrist with thumb tacks under my desk to curve the urge.

 

[Chava]

Ditto what @Ms Spock said regarding the whole general narrative you have here @lostforgottensoul .

I'd also add that a lot of people who've experienced sexual abuse, assault, or rape, either swing to the end of no sex at all or promiscuity and increased interest in sex. And adults who were sexually abused as children often, ironically, "connect" through sex and sometimes not easily in less physical ways. Those responses are pretty normal (and I've experienced both extremes, but have a very hard time with the middle ground, where I'm just having sex within a normal relationship...I can't make that work for more than a couple months!).

But I assume your therapist brought up attachment disorder or RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) because you struggle to connect at all in other ways. ?? RAD by itself does not mean connecting through sex (that would relate quite directly to your sexual abuse). But the lack of ability to connect in other ways would suggest attachment issues...also if you are willing to have sex with anyone, the indiscriminate part resonates with the disinhibited form of RAD.

But most of what you are describing (the history, behaviors, patterns you experience), in my opinion, relates very very strongly to many years of sexual abuse, not merely early attachment. But it is complex. I assume you have to work with the sexual abuse trauma as well as the lack of safe connection and how to create those from scratch, as an adult. And that's hard work.

I knew a young woman who was totally emotionally neglected as a young child but raped and abused very early in life. She was diagnosed with RAD as a child and later ended up hospitalized, though I'm not sure what the official adult diagnosis was. Given your family, I'd wonder if you lacked safe connections early on too...like kind and nurturing touch, snuggles, and loving and responsive attention. If you only received connection to other humans through sexual touch, it seems really likely that you'd know this as "connection".

Do you have a diary on here? I don't, but I know many people here find that helpful for writing and processing their story. I know writing helps me somehow organize many pieces sometimes.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

But I assume your therapist brought up attachment disorder or RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) because you struggle to connect at all in other ways. ?? RAD by itself does not mean connecting through sex (that would relate quite directly to your sexual abuse).

But the lack of ability to connect in other ways would suggest attachment issues...also if you are willing to have sex with anyone, the indiscriminate part resonates with the disinhibited form of RAD.

Yes, my therapist brought it up. I am willing to have sex with anyone, BUT not all the time. I tried to be gay once, obviously that failed, but being as heterosexual, i will have sexual with any guy, but if the guys want girls, if there are times im self doing rituals or if im tailspinning enough, i will have sex with any gender, any time.

I think its my complete failure to connenct with anyone properly is why he said possible atrachment disorder. Here; i'll use your quote then reply to it, how its different from me:

I'd also add that a lot of people who've experienced sexual abuse, assault, or rape, either swing to the end of no sex at all or promiscuity and increased interest in sex.

I do agree with this, but its more than just simply promiscuity, which is what brought possible atrachment disorder to my therapist brain, and he explained in detail what is and why i possibly have it.

I dont just have a lot of sex, or come on to random men. I come on to EVERYONE. Its how i think friends are supposed to connect (i have no friends), its how i think co-workers are supposed to connect (cant count the amount of co-workers ive had sex with, including female) itts how i think family is supposed to connect (i came onto a pastor cousin by marriage on my dad's side; the main reason my family hates me), it how i think therapists or anyone else in authority is supposed to connect (i came onto 4 free therapist; 2 acted on my sexual advances and had sex with me..also ive come onto supervisors in the past, came onto any pastor or clergyman, cops...you name an authority figure and ive probably came on to them at some point) and though i havent came onto my current therapist (only because i dont want him to go away) i have those thoughts. I havent been able to gain a true connection with my dad and step mom because i have no idea how without sex.

Now its possible and not diagnosed because i dont fit all or most things that go into RAD, but this one big thing makes it possible or possible attachment disorder untones; or attachment disfunction at best.

And my body looks for sex to make me feel safe, thus when im stressed or feel afraid; my body becomes very aroused; even when im not thinking of anything (which is super annoying); i think it happens out of the vlue at work fue to stress. Its how mu mind deals with stress...looking to feel safe again.

But its my absolute inabilty to connect with any one correctly in any form that made him think of possible attachment disorder.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Do you have a diary on here? I don't, but I know many people here find that helpful for writing and processing their story. I know writing helps me somehow organize many pieces sometimes.

I forgot to answer this. No i dont have a diary, jounals dont help me, i thought it was because no one can read it so i used to write stuff down and read it to my therapist; but im now learning its because i have no input...i already wrestle with my own thoughts, i cant unbrainwash myself when no one is there to counter it.

Like if you were taught your entire life that the sky is green, or any other color but blue, you would see that and also see that blue was that other color. We know blue is blue due to being taught that. But then a millin people tell you later that no, the sky is blue and show you proof (yes i know science, the sky isnt in reality blue but its just an example) then you would change your thoughts and then your belief. Thats what has to happen with me. What i believe needs to be countered in order for me to change my absolute core beliefs; so the replies in my post does that. If read it over and over, and talk in out with other people that see it different and re-read it, talk it out with people, re-read ect, it helps me to help me self examine and see things and its what helped me take that big step recently and the ball untanglement of emotions and beliefs start to loosen up. Its the support and for years its what ive been telling my therapist i need "without people countering my beliefs, i cant seem to change them cause the millions of people to tell me the sky is really blue arent there". Its why he sent me here.

Its also serves as a way to pound into myself opposite of what i was taught. The cult beliefs was pound into me; the opposite needs to be pounded i to me as well.

 

[Chava]

No i dont have a diary, jounals dont help me, i thought it was because no one can read it so i used to write stuff down and read it to my therapist; but im now learning its because i have no input...i already wrestle with my own thoughts, i cant unbrainwash myself when no one is there to counter it.

So then you could keep creating threads for others to respond to (and people do respond to diaries here, btw, so it's not like a paper diary you'd keep on your own). I wonder if you'd create a thread about RAD if you'd get some responses related maybe more to that. ?? I say that because this thread was more about generalized attachment problems in the beginning, though questions of RAD certainly fit somewhere into that scope.

But to be honest, if feels a little like you've hijacked this thread (I just don't have another word for it, but don't mean to sound harsh)...I noticed that primarily when Mit came on and told about being adopted at age 5. That is a 100% clear-cut early attachment issue. TOTALLY RELEVANT. And instead of validating that you kind of blew him off and said he was lucky to be adopted and that, in so many words, your trauma was worse. The cult stuff is very bad but this isn't clear-cut early childhood. No doubt you probably have issues there too. But for the sake of hashing it all out for yourself and processing it (without needing to compare traumas), you can always start your own thread and direct it more towards yourself and your questions, and you will get feedback.

Sorry if that seems harsh in any way. I'm not a moderator, just an observer, so take what I say or leave it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

But to be honest, if feels a little like you've hijacked this thread (I just don't have another word for it, but don't mean to sound harsh)...I noticed that primarily when Mit came on and told about being adopted at age 5. That is a 100% clear-cut early attachment issue. TOTALLY RELEVANT.

And instead of validating that you kind of blew him off and said he was lucky to be adopted and that, in so many words, your trauma was worse. The cult stuff is very bad but this isn't clear-cut early childhood. No doubt you probably have issues there too. But for the sake of hashing it all out for yourself and processing it

(without needing to compare traumas), you can always start your own thread and direct it more towards yourself and your questions, and you will get feedback.

Yes that is harsh and completely uncalled for. I didnt hyjack anything, i was REPLYING to someone and it came off as a conversation.

Due to your failure to go back to my first reply, here it is and what i was replying to, "what is atrachment disorder" which IS in the orginal post.

"Again, im gonna reply without reading other replies like I usually do because I to have possible but not yet diagnosis Attachment Disorder. This was explained in detail to me by my therapist and its possible but not diagnosed because I dont fit the entire criteria. Attachment Disorder can be from many forms of abuse/neglect and can form in early childhood/infantcy all the way to (though uncommon) early adulthood. Basically the extreme form found in the movie and docomentry (2 films) "Child Of Rage" (you can find it on youtube) it can form as serious as that where the child in infant yrs had no human touch or love. In my case (grew up in a Satanic cult) my entire indroduction if you want to read it is here: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/my-story-me.58064/ but the way I was taught to attach or connect to anyone, including family, from as far back as i can remember of age 7 or 6, is through sex. These thoughts are automatic, i dont really want to have sex with the person but my thoughts say thats what im supposed to do; thus possible attachment disorder. Basically the reasoning for it is so broad but to simply define it; its the way that your mind preceives as the correct way to connect or attach to another person isnt the actual correct way to do so; or in severe cases the complete inabilty to connect or attach to someone. Thats as simple as i can make it. Hope that helps."

Then i had someone that replied to me and i replied to them and so on until a conversation started. YOU dont get to dictate that a thread is only supposed to be this or that or ONLY ages 0 -5, MY THERAPIST said i have a possiblity of attachment disorder then discribed it in detail so if i feel that i can help somewhere im going to reply.

As to comparing traumas, i dont compare traumas. Actually i still feel that my past was OKAY because it was done to ME; i was trying to give the person ANOTHER WAY TO LOOK AT IT, as thats what my therapist has me doing to my own way of thinking. I didnt blow anyone off, if someone told me, look at it this way, im gonna try if it helps and not if it doesnt but certianly not be offended as THEY WERE TRYING TO HELP; SORRY FOR OFFERING ANOTHER WAY TO LOOK AT ADOPTION!

You and i have been on good terms, or so i believed, but you dont get to tell me what and how to reply to threads. And you also dont get to tell me to go make threads or diaries but stay out of this one cuz its not for you; how the f*ck do YOU know, are you my therapist? And yes, orginally i missed that the orginal poster is adopted; im dyslexic, f*cking sue me!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thread jacking all over the place? Its time for me to go, for good. I dont jsck threads, i reply in my way of trying to help people and if thats how its seen then i dont belong here which sucks more than anyone ever could imagine as this is my ONLY support. I will write a thread advising that im leaving and i wont come back.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

@lostforgottensoul I'm gonna go out on a limb and offer friendly advice. I don't want to be attacked for it anymore than anyone. I think you are reacting in a way that is not uncommon for people using this site, as a result of so much sharing and putting yourself out there. Sounds like you're feeling attacked when my reading is that people are only trying to guide you in the best ways to use the site and be heard.

I can only speak for myself in saying I've read many of your posts and feel a lot of compassion for things you've gone through while generally not knowing what to say. I imagine there are more reading than responding. The very nature of what you've gone through can be "threadjacking" in the sense it is a lot for people to assimilate. I think this is the reason Chava suggested a diary on the site, is that it is more suited to focusing on your own story, and people can likewise feel more appropriate responding to that story.

Attacking people because you feel a betrayal or reprimanded is not a great thing to do, even as I suspect many can understand what you may be feeling. Feeling blamed unfairly or ... well, just that feeling blamed -- it can be a huge trigger for survivors of abuse. I hope you can hear people's input as well-meaning and not give up on a supportive community. Yes, not leaving will mean you have to adjust your own boundaries and how you choose to share. Join the club. I hope you can feel able to get over the current feelings and cultivate patience both with yourself and with others wanting to help.

 

[ms spock]

Hey folks time to move to the help desk and work this out amicably. New members can take a little while to learn about how we work on the forum.

 

[Kintsugi]

Hello friends, OP speaking. I've taken a bit of a break from this thread and am sorry to see it in this state. I think we've departed from the original subject and tone of this thread, which is so sad, because this had been such a beautifully productive discussion about early attachment problems.

I hope we can return to a place of civil discourse about what early attachment disruptions have been and meant to us and how they seem to impact our attachment patterns as adults. :)

 

[Deleted member 28740]

wanted some feedback on what this problem (early attachment) means to you and if you think you know your pattern.

have not figured out the pattern. Know that I am open, except I do not seem to be that way. Baby stuff. New method of treatment was to be in a cold room by myself so I would not have respiratory issues, no antibiotics. Attachment bonds have been fragile. Vulnerable. Pattern seems a distance that I do not know how to bridge, or giving my all to a relationship. No middle ground.

 

[Kintsugi]

I experience a similar dichotomy of approaches to relationships, @Changeling.