Companionship

[Bill Dickerson]

I see other people when I'm out running errands and I really miss just the day to day companionship of others. Seems I've lost all (the few) of the family and friends I developed on the job. Feels ripped away.

I miss the intimacy of my ex-wife...not the physical but the interaction of daily life. Going grocery shopping, playing Santa, day to day banter.

I often don't realize how just very alone I am. Not looking forward to life and growing old like this.

Anybody else run everybody off and lose those teammates or squad mates that kept meaning in everyday life?

 

[lilac-]

Although I'm sure our circumstances are different,
I have no friends nor immediate family besides my sibling, whom i would go to and hell and back for, I do trust my brother to have my back and vice versa.

When I returned home although as I'm saying this I mean it in a different term, I did cut people lose with what I had been through my tolerance wasn't exactly all that high for ignorance, stupidity and in general selfish behavior.

Due to my morals of if I love someone or become close to them I unfortunately have the nature of "I will help you no matter the cost, I will put myself through pain if it meant you would be ok etc etc" I struggle to find I suppose people worthy of this as well, considering being back home not many people understand the feeling of having another back to an excessive extreme.

I do miss company however, also that trust I could feel.

But I'm adjusting :)

Sorry if that was cryptic, best I can do.

 

[Cadillac]

Considering that I've never had that sort of companionship with anyone.. I do actually understand the sheer desire and knowing that you are missing out quite a bit in life due to not being in a social group. I have very bad social ability and people I'm around, or have come to know, are quite honestly very deceptive and almost two-faced. I cannot trust them.

It terrifies me a little that I will likely be alone for the rest of my life like this, while it isn't miserable.. it is considerably lonely. I have sort of resolved by perhaps having a dog or something, or have a small farm to curb my desire to do something to take up my time.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I guess I should be looking at the glass half full. I do take care of my Mom whose 84. I do have two boys and a couple of Grandkids but they have lives of their own.

I have two sisters but I don't tolerate them very well. They are much older than I and always full of B.S.

I liked and enjoyed being married and raising my kids but I lost that a long time ago.

My youngest who's 23 is looking at buying a house. I told him I would co-sign but he might have to let me have a bedroom after my Mom is gone. I was very hurt when he turned me down. He wants a bachelor pad and doesn't want his old man around. I can understand that but I was hoping I would have an anchor. I was very disappointed. I feel adrift and unsure of what the future holds.

My ex suggested I could get a section eight apartment since my income is only disability. I would rather live under a highway bridge than live like that.

I guess I should look at the positive but without an anchor and/or companion I feel disconnected and worried.

 

[Friday]

Anybody else run everybody off and lose those teammates or squad mates that kept meaning in everyday life?

Yes. Very much so. & it's a very big problem.

I'm not a leader & not a loner. I need people, almost as much as I need air. I'm simply highly selective -usually- about whom I'm willing to partner up with or follow. I would rather be on my own than be with people I don't trust. I just kind of suck at it....being alone. I'm at my best when I have people to work for, work with, play with, fight with, bounce ideas off of, compete with, et cetera. I'm a ghost of myself alone. I can enjoy it, it's not about being lonely, it's about being my best self. I'm better around others. Period.

The good news :cautious: such as it is, is that this isn't the first time, and probably won't be the last I've done a slash & burn (and now, we remove everyone), or disappearing act (and now, I remove myself... the hell away from people I f*cking care about). So I know that when I'm doing better? This will be a part of my life, again, people. It's when I'm doing badly that... Alone either needs to happen, or does happen.

 

[Born to Run]

So I know that when I'm doing better? This will be a part of my life, again, people. It's when I'm doing badly that... Alone either needs to happen, or does happen.

This is how I see being alone too, as temporary. It is also the law of attraction, as when we are not doing well we do not exactly shine brightly and attract others and vice versa. I see it as keeping the trust in that it will be different as long as I make progress to feel better inside.