Relationship An Isolation Story.

[Amack]

I respectfully disagree.

I have PTSD and know a number of people with PTSD. None of us are dual...

That is why i said (usually). I also know several others who do not abuse drugs or alcohol. But the number for PTSD w/substance abuse is high so I was trying to inform not spread malice. Sometimes we miss things early. She was saying she was new to all this. Respectfully. Not trying to argue at all just want to make sure my words were understood they way I intended......:tup:

 

[Amack]

My main concern was the medication, that's when the change started. He never treated me so cold and...

Medication can be key or a mess trying to find the right ones.......I am so sorry you are suffering as well. It can be so hard. It absolutely could be the meds. It usually takes no less than 3-5 days depending on what meds to get out of his system and he will be without them. But like I said the without could lead him into depression. Everyone is so different it is hard to pinpoint how,when, why and what to do. BUT this site has SO many wonderful people and articles to help you!!! I hope you can talk soon an have some resolution.

 

[Chelle]

Glad you're doing a little better Msconfused!

So it's officially been a little over 2 weeks of isolation for my vet. And I have a question that I'm struggling with: My vet goes to school and works but he's still isolating me, how does that work?

I know I've gotten better dealing with the isolation periods but this is something I've really been struggling with understanding.

 

[Msconfused]

I'd maybe send him one more text saying something like "I respect your need for space. I'm here when...

Thanks for your advice. I text him exactly what you said this morning and within minutes he text back. In fact, he gave me his sisters phone number too. So, there is some communication now, but I won't push it. I will now let him call or text me. Thank you.

 

[EveHarrington]

My vet goes to school and works but he's still isolating me, how does that work?

For me personally, school and work have never been emotionally demanding. I am not currently isolating from these aspects of my life, only personal relationships. Isolation is not a black and white issue much of the time where we are fully out and about or on the other end of the spectrum, in complete hermit mode. Some of the most stressful non-essential (please don't take offense to this word) things in our life are pushed away. Work is essential to survive ($$$) as is education (related to work), but relationships aren't crucial, we let them slip to reduce the stress load. All relationships come with demands and expectations. (Right now I can't handle this sort of stress in the least.) I think it's hard for people to wrap their minds around the 'isolation is not absolute' concept because it feels SO personal. (Why me and not them/that?) In my case, it isn't personal. It's only a matter of reducing stress from my life.

 

[Sweetpea76]

That's good news @Msconfused

Now he knows you "get it." He needs space, and you're going to give him some and not take it personally.

I consider it one of the most loving things I can do for my vet. I give him exactly what he needs, no violation of boundaries, no drama, no taking it personally. He needs space and he gets it, no questions asked. He appreciates it and loves me for it.

 

[Msconfused]

That's good news @Msconfused

Now he knows you "get it." He needs space, and you'...

I just need to learn how not to take it personally. That's very hard, something I will have to continue to work on. I am a person, cause of my own issues and insecurities who needs reassurance and love. So I have a lot of work. Day by day. I will continue to go to therapy an work on myself. I hope it will work on my relationship as well.

 

[Chelle]

For me personally, school and work have never been emotionally demanding. I am not currently isola...

Oh no offense taken! And thanks for the quick reply! I was thinking the same about how you kinda "have" to go to work and school to live but you might feel that your personal relationships can slip because they DO care and will be there waiting when isolation is over.

I think I'm just letting my friends and dad get in my head that "if he can do this then he can do that" or "he must be cheating if he can shut you out but not others especially during Valentines Day". But I'm trying to push those things out my head because I do trust him and realize what I may think is a must/need may not be what his head is telling him. I believe someone best said it earlier that we have to set boundaries for what is needed by BOTH parties before/after the isolation because I know for a lot of supporters (myself included), an "I'm alive" message is a must if the isolation lasts more than a few days.

 

[Msconfused]

For me personally, school and work have never been emotionally demanding. I am not currently isola...

Why is it that all sufferers feel that the relationship is a stressor? That they need to eliminate? I get the jobs, school issues, however, doesn't the relationship give love, companionship, and help in all other ways? Why do you look at is as a stressor? I just feel like a relationship could help eliminate some of the stressors in your life.

To me being in a relationship helps me with stress, I feel like everything doesn't fall on my shoulders...the bills, kids, pets, cars, housework, yard work, etc. You have help. It eliminates some stress.

So, why do you guys feel the need to isolate the relationship? Is it because it is the least important to you than the rest?

Just trying to figure the mindset. To me relationships are important and so is communication. That is why I am trying to fully understand how someone with PTSD thought process is.

 

[EveHarrington]

Why is it that all sufferers feel that the relationship is a stressor? That they need to eliminate?...

Relationships are stressors because they put demands and expectations upon us. A "how are you?" text is a "demand" to know how we're doing. The same text brings the expectation of a response. This little thing which most see as nothing is indeed too much to handle at times. This may seem extreme or irrational, but even very small aspects of relationships can be very stressful.

Love and stress aren't even in the same equation when it comes to PTSD (IMHO, in terms of an isolation episode) yet everyone wants to put them together. Love doesn't reduce stress. (If it did I'd be golden.) And it's not that we don't care. It's not that the relationship is least important. Again, stress is the trump card.

Please try to realize that it boils down to stress reduction. There is no throwing of love or care or concern or really anything else when someone is stressed/triggered to the max. The only thing that is of concern is reducing the stress. If we don't do everything within our power to stop the stress it could lead to losing everything (job, family, reputation, bank account, home, etc). This is not an exaggeration. PTSD destroys and takes lives.

I'm sorry if this isn't clear. It's hard to describe what's going on inside.

I'm respectfully bowing out at this point as this thread is becoming too stressful to me as someone who is currently isolating. (Not blaming, I chose to engage in this thread. I am explaining why I won't be responding again if someone asks me a question. Hopefully another PTSD person can continue the conversation if something I've said gives you a question.) I hope you understand, Thanks.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Msconfused it's going to be hard to find the answers to your question. Every PTSD sufferer is different, and their cases of PTSD manifest in different ways. There is no one reason why some people find relationships so stressful.

Some may feel unworthy of love. Some feel like they are dragging a partner down. Some feel guilty they can't be a more giving partner. Sometimes they can't handle the stress of making a relationship work. Sometimes they can't handle a partner's issues. Sometimes they just plain want to break up and can't handle the stress of ending it. It is so hard to know unless your sufferer specifically tells you why himself.

My vet is physically disabled and his PTSD is severe enough that he cannot function enough to work. I know that being in our relationship is terrifying for him. He isolates, but he comes back. That's how I know he loves me. I scare him to death, and he has a disorder that jacks up his fear response, but he works harder than anybody I've ever been with to be with me. It may not look like it from the outside, but I know it.

 

[Friday]

Good stress fills the cup, too.