Well That Was Unexpected

[Sandstone]

I've spent the last week in hospital. Didn't see it coming at all.

On Monday night I woke as I often do at 2am. I lay awake, resisting the usual self-loathing and despair, and doing the usual distraction activities. I built a nice little log cabin, and was pleased with the layout. I moved on to thinking about the thyroid treatment I was due to start the next day, and was wondering if I'd find it easier to reduce my weight, when Suddenly, something clicked over, and was imperative that I die NOW.

Normally if I'm battling suicidal urges I know that if I just stay in bed it will be OK and either I'll fall asleep or morning will come. This time I couldn't do that. I got up, which is a massive risk, but managed to think I should call the Crisis Team. I couldn't find the number, so called 111, the NHS non-emergency number to see if they had it.

Ended up driving myself to A&E, still in pyjamas. Otherwise I would have taken all the pills I had in the house. Meanwhile, 111 had sent the police to my house. The Pysch Nurse commented that I wasn't a frequent flyer and recommended admission. Sadly it took 13 hours to find a bed, and that took a toll on me. I was pretty unstable by the time they got me in. Luckily they agreed not to force drugs straight away, and to see if I could do it by self management. Once I'd brought myself back down with two days quiet, lots of grounding and "presentifying" exercises, meditative doodling etc I was puzzled about why this was so different and my reaction was so irrational. Although I went for help, I didn't do the obvious of waking my husband, staying in bed.Driving in that state was very irrational indeed. Above all, what made it so different from the usual slow creep up and intensification of the SI? Three had been several stressors in the preceding weeks, and obviously having no therapy is difficult, but that instantaneous move from the usual distress to "I must die" is alien to me.

I think I've found the solution to that. I suspect it was the arrival of the Thyroxine tablets in the house. I remembered my mother starting them when I was about 9, and her repeatedly using as a negotiating tactic "If I stop taking my pills I'll die. All I have to do is stop, and I''ll be dead. I'll die, I can easily die, I just have to stop taking the pills" Thyroxine/ Death, Thyroxine/Death. I need to find a way to break that link in my head.

So now I'm on a 36 hour trial home visit. It feels OK, and I'm not currently feeling any urge to OD or to die.

I don't relish going back to the ward tomorrow. There are some pretty disturbed people there, and one terrifies me. She looks like the archetypal madman in my nightmares, and wanders all day, shouting abuse or demanding attention. This morning she passed along the corridor while I was showering, and although I was in a locked room, I froze, unable to work out which product I might use to wash my armpits or how.

Bit of a mess. all in all.

 

[oasis2003]

Take much care of your self things will get better you must promise your self ;):hug:

 

[GardenGirl0214]

Although it may not have been safe for you to drive, you knew you needed help and you got it! Even though your thoughts were intrusive, you did what you needed to do to keep yourself safe. I've been in that frame of mind, so I know first hand that staying safe was not easy. But, you did it and for that you should be commended! Good for you!

 

[Sideways]

Wow...it's amazing that you were able to recognise straight away "this is different, this is urgent" and respond to that with new strategies. Hope that things are improving (and glad to hear the thyroid issue is now in the "dealing with it" basket.

Be gentle with yourself when you get home. Getting discharged from hospital is simultaneously awesome and a shock to the system. Stay safe:)

 

[digger]

Sorry to read you needed it, but glad you were able to get to help. I hope this leads to a more appropriate level of care and therapy for you xx

 

[Sandstone]

I hope this leads to a more appropriate level of care and therapy for you

Wouldn't that be lovely? I fear it puts me in the "too unstable for treatment" category though.

you did what you needed to do to keep yourself safe.

you were able to recognise straight away "this is different, this is urgent"

I hope I shall be able to stop feeling guilty for having the need.

It was very strange how different it was. On the verge of being an automaton, programmed to self destruct. Weird.

 

[Tinyflame]

..the verge of being an automaton, programmed to self destruct

Dear @Sandstone , I have had this experience exactly, & you have found the exact word! Once directly after a trauma (I thought in retrospect it was shock?), once a few days ago spotting someone I'm afraid of (triggered). Also once after 'progress' 2 years ago ( I think), & once , possibly twice when suicidal. I've wondered if it's something with the SI, but now (just lately) I wonder if it ties back to a feature of a trauma? Trauma re-enactment features, or re-living, in some way? (Trauma re-enactment possibly not the exact term I'm looking for.)

:hug: 's, I hope you are feeling a bit better.

PS, actually, thank you very much for reveling/ sharing that, because as recently as up to yesterday I was starting to fear maybe I have no feelings (at times) :( . Now I believe in those moments it's too many, resulting in the above. Or too much, like being too sad to cry. Even self-sabotage (too), though in this case I think you've identified it goes right back to traumatic experiences.

I am glad you took yourself to the hospital. :hug:

 

[joeylittle]

@Sandstone - really great job getting yourself to help. It's such a hard thing to do, sometimes.

I'll share this, in case it's useful. Most of my life was about managing intensifying suicidal ideation, but it was always that 'slow creep' that you describe. I had my first change in that, the 'I must die now' feeling, when I was in my mid-thirties. It was the first time I'd ever felt quite that way, and it was really shocking, since I'd always thought I could handle myself...and then suddenly, I couldn't. While there were some big stressors going on for me at the time, ultimately, what it marked was a major depressive episode (which I had likely never had til then). The best reason I have been able to identify for what started it is just the statistics: I don't know your age, so this might be very off-base. But for women in their mid to late 30s, who have had moderate or constant functional (dysthemic) depression, the chances of having a full depressive episode are very, very high.

You seem to be on top of what triggered this one; I just wanted to share that there's a correlation with age and gender as well.

I'm so glad you got to the hospital. Waiting that 13 hours for a bed must have been beyond horrible. And you advocated for yourself all the way through the experience. I hope you can take some part of that in as something you can be proud of.

 

[Sandstone]

Well, no I didn't advocate for myself ALL the way through. Sadly by the time I got to the ward I was so unstable that when the scary woman I mentioned pushed in on the intake, which was being done in the main lounge, I panicked and tried to run for my life. It felt like an attempt at gory murder, the thing I fight off in my nightmares. They took this as a sign I needed to be sectioned. Happily the doctor who filled the form in made an error with the date, so it lasted only two days not three.

I'm quite a bit older than you suggest, into my fifties. They did think there might be a menopausal link, but the bloods done last week show I'm not there yet. I wonder if there is a seasonal link. The only other time I've been hospitalised was within two weeks of this. I've always known I'm prone to making major and sudden decisions in Spring.