General Dealing With The 'explosive' Anger?

[Purplemunchkin]

some people -like me- are both usually aware that we lash out in the moment & own it later as well... Whether we remember lashing out or not, it's is a problem we're very much cognizant of.

My husband is like ^^ now.

It's taken medication and a lot of hard work to get, but the improvement is phenomenal, and I'm so proud of him.

 

[candor]

(Googled ADHD symptoms are static)
On the topic of ADHD symptoms persisting or not, according to the second edition of Child Psychopathology(pages 89-92), it depends on the criteria used by researchers. If you use the DSM criteria and interview adults that had it as kids, just 5% report that they still have symptoms (enough to receive the diagnosis).If you ask their parents however this figure rises to 46%. If the adult is given a test which uses scores to generate a statement about expected behaviour, then the results are different again. In the case of using tests rather than the DSM criteria then 12% are still diagnosed as adults based on self reports as opposed to 66% based on parental reports. The research here is really questioning the ability of ADHD'ers to be self aware in terms of recognising and assessing their own behaviour. I personally consider myself very self aware but I must admit that my self image does not always match the way others view me and therefore I need the challenge of hearing things straight from others.

Both these reports seem to challenge your belief/experience Friday Jones that symptoms "are always going to be there, at full strength, whatever that strength is, forever. " I respect that you might have these convictions and I can only imagine that you understand well that symptoms affect anyone close to us and causes us to loose them at times. I've somewhat taught myself to be punctual, to listen more and not to go into monologs and I have gone from

• Low frustration tolerance.
• Frequent mood swings.
• Hot temper

to someone with lots of patience and compassion. My career as an engineer taught me to be self-organised and to complete tasks.
Maybe the world does not see me as I do but my job is to like and love me. I am good at accepting all my parts. Dilligaf comment "Don't you think if it were that simple, people would choose NOT to be angry and violent?" hits home with anyone with any symptom that feels out of one's control. What I know is that you don't have a choice in what you feel but with anger you do have a choice in how you learn to express it. And you need to practice and realise that when tired or stressed nothing seems to go as we wish.

 

[Older brother]

My younger brother is a combat vet. He suffers from PTSD. the explosive anger, the rage, all of it. He was also abused by a teacher, physically, as a child. He blames my parents and myself for it. I was a child too, so I have no real idea as to what was ever done. I do know that the teacher was stripped of their license, but no legal action was pursued on advice of the lawyer at the time. He brings it up in his rages about how our parents didn't do what they should have and how they didn't protect him. This is in addition to the other combat related things. I have never experienced rage such as this, such raw vicious anger. It scares me and is tearing my parents apart. I have tried, in vain to do the best I can, but it seems that he refuses to seek help, or he will seek help and come off any medication, or begin to self-medicate. Everything is someone else's fault. After the most recent explosion, I am at a total loss as to what to do other than completely disconnect from him.

 

[BlueOrange]

I say this as a sufferer. One who was in his psychiatrist's office two days ago, complaining about the fact that the angry part of me has been isolated and suppressed for the last twelve years.

The first rule of saving someone else from drowning is "Don't drown yourself." The first responsibility of the would-be rescuer is for their own safety - two drowned people is worse than one.

So, if you're a supporter, and your sufferer is a danger to your safety (mental, physical), your first obligation is to protect yourself. That means that you can't accept responsibility for the fact that the sufferer's rage is explosive.

I have 12 years of distance to help me say this, but the best thing my first wife ever did was leave. I hate the fact that she left, and I haven't entirely forgiven her for it, but it was better than the alternative.

I get that sufferers need help. I get that the worse the violence is, the more desperately we need the help, and I know what it's like to be watching out my eyeballs like a helpless prisoner, while my arm is throwing punches. And when she was gone, I felt worse. And I started getting better.

I'm angry and frustrated that (almost) nobody helped me when I needed it most. But the people who were able to help me were the ones that I wasn't threatening (one way or another, I was no danger to them). The first step for a sufferer in the situation described above is to make a serious to become safe. And the first step for a supporter is also to become safe. The days when relationships were expected to withstand a few beatings are over, and that's a good change.

 

[Alison55]

I'm sorry, but your husband sounds like an arsehole. He doesn't need PTSD therapy, he needs a lesson in manners. As someone who has officially been diagnosed with PTSD, i know all about intense anger feelings - they can come out of nowhere, and the triggers are certainly not queues in the shop, or cars out the front. Don't be naive. He's being a total dickhead, and is using PTSD to continue being a total dickhead.

 

[Sighs]

the triggers are certainly not queues in the shop, or cars out the front.

Maybe not for you. How do you know what triggers her husband? Do you know the details of his trauma? Frankly I suggest you educate yourself a bit more about PTSD in general (rather than your own PTSD) before you make sweeping dismissive statements.

 

[Nalty]

I am not sure if I should be posting on your thread as I am the other party that had PTSD. I was first diagnosed with this...

thank you for making us safe and I'm so sorry your life is so hard, so awful.......because of what you had to go through for us to enable us the blessed life we have.
I hope you don't mind me asking you for advise.......My daughter has PTSD for being repeatly raped from 3yrs old, by a family member :(
I say calm. Listen quietly. Try not to upset her, but nothing works. She is my heart and soul. Any advise you can give me, I would be so grateful. She is on her third therapist. Her partner is abusive. She cuts herself, her little arms and legs are cut to bits :( I fear she will not see 30, she is 27 now.
God bless you xxo Louise

 

[dulcia]

Maybe not for you. How do you know what triggers her husband? Do you know the details of his trauma? Fr...

Our neighbor parks in front of our house -- one day my SO strapped the neighbors car to his truck and dragged it out from in front of the house, even though it wasn't blocking our driveway. He is triggered by grocery stores (lots of people, unclear physical boundaries/personal space, situational lack of control), by traffic (situational lack of control I assume), and by anything that reminds him of his cheating ex-wife (sometimes things I do or say without knowing anything about her). Her husband may be an asshole. My SO may be an asshole. But that doesn't discredit their PTSD symptoms.

When I first started posting here people told me my SO was abusive and a jerk. I was pissed because I am defensive of him. But yeah, sometimes he was abusive and a jerk. But he also served many years in the Middle East seeing and doing unspeakable things so yeah, it's going to take some work. PTSD also isn't an excuse for some of the particularly mean things that are said/done when mad, but recommendations for functioning in a PTSD relationship can help alleviate some of those things, if the decision is made to continue the relationship.

PTSD is nothing to bitch about your spouse having

Getting beat up by someone who uses PTSD as an excuse for their behavior is something to bitch about.

Until you walk in any one of our combat boots and do want we were trained to do and see what was happening to one....or rather several of our own.......try not to be so judgmental

Trust me, the judgemental ones aren't spending hours online trying to find ways to help, sir.

 

[NJP (K)]

I just wanted to update you all.

I am still with my husband although it's not been easy and many a day I have considered Divorce. I have learned a lot more since that diagnosis in 2013, in fact I now run a FB support page for partners and family members.

Does it get easier? No, you just learn to manage the outbursts and become hypervigilant yourself.

 

[candor]

Rage and angry outburst increase the risk of heart attack by a whooping five fold and stroke by three fold so learning to control it should be made a priority. I no longer meet my friend alone in private. We see each other where he works which is a second hand shop where we all know each other. I thought that that would be a safe environment where I would not get yelled at. I was wrong. It happened 2-3 times in a year and he risks loosing his volunteer job cause he also just walks out. I am hoping this may push him to get help which he has refused and needs. Other than an hour a week there has been no contact. He blames me for the outbursts although he does not tell me what he is upset about. I told him from the beginning that I would not be bullied away from my hangout and his boss is quite lenient and understanding. However, the patience is running thin so I am curious as to whether he will be able to show me the respect he shows his co-workers. No one understands why I stay. All I know is rage will not work for me.

 

[BlueOrange]

@candor , he seems to have forgotten that his behaviour is his responsibility (and never anyone else's responsibility). It doesn't matter whether you knowingly or unknowingly provoked him, it matters whether he is able to keep his behaviour within acceptable limits. (This rule does not apply to small children, but anyone over the age of 4 who has a tantrum needs to demonstrate that they understand this message.)

 

[Hope_N_Highwater]

It takes the patience of a saint and the skin of a rhino to be a supporter

I BIG thumbs up to this saying Amethist!! I'm going to repeat it to affirm myself when needed... it also makes me smile.... I visualize a rino with wings