General Dealing With The 'explosive' Anger?

[Sweetpea76]

Dr. B, Before you judge us, realize that a lot of the supporters in this forum love and cherish their combat vets. I know I do. I love every scarred and broken inch of him, and I support him unconditionally. However, I don't tolerate him being aggressive or lashing out at me when he is not managing his stressors well. To allow that is not healthy for either of us. When supporters don't know how to handle these situations, they can escalate, and they can escalate badly. That is what this thread is about... how to deal with a symptom of your partner's PTSD in a positive way that is healthy for everybody.

We don't pretend to know what combat is like, but we live with its fallout too.

 

[Eleanor]

Dr. B.

I guess your wife knows a lot about what combat is like. Except the enemy in her war is the guy she loves. When was the last time someone you love tried to strangle you in your sleep? Forgot who you were? Expected you not to be injured because it was them that injured you. Notice I said NOTHING about you in that. You may be a perfect saint in every other respect. How would I know?

Strangling and hitting a sleeping woman (even if you are doing it unconsciously in a dream, even if she is your wife, even if she is kind and forgiving about it) is ABUSE. Consider: if you are doing your best NOT to step on someone's foot, but you can't help stepping on it and their toes are broken, not blaming you for it doesn't make their toes less broken. Blame and damage are two entirely separate things.

I am sorry you have not had success treating your PTSD. More sorry than you can possibly know. And maybe the problem is your unwillingness to do the incredibly hard work, 24/7 of retraining YOURSELF out of the behavior that comes naturally when you have PTSD. You argue above that you should be given a pass. Sorry. Like I said, abuse is abuse. If the person who is out of control is not actively working on themselves and taking responsibility for the damage they do along the path to healing then the relationship is just another garden variety abusive relationship.

I don't judge ANYONE for getting PTSD. No one choses it. I do not look kindly on people who think that having PTSD entitles them to traumatize others. Talking about that damage honestly and openly constitutes criticism of the sufferer. Does it hurt to hear? Hell yes. That's why people work so hard to get BETTER and why it is so difficult to maintain hope in the face of the extraordinary difficulty of doing so.

If you are going on line to find people to say that because the cause of your abusive behavior is having been in combat, I'd imagine you'll be looking for a long time.

 

[Sighs]

Dr B - your pain and frustration are palpable. Like @Sweetpea76 and other supporters on this site, I too love a combat vet. In fact, two because my father and my partner are both combat vets. I don't expect either of them to function like a civvy but asking for help dealing with aggressive behaviour is not the same as judgement.

 

[Eleanor]

This is what I meant to say:

If you are going on-line to find people to say that your behavior is ok, and your wife shouldn't complain because being in combat caused your abusive behavior, I'd imagine you'll be looking for a long time.

And I would add what our couple's T said to my H the first day of counseling - "If you don't decide to change how you behave in your marriage, at some point it will no longer be your choice."

 

[concerned girlfriend]

my boyfriend suffers from ptsd and its hard to deal with. i know he loves me and our kids but lately his anger is hard to handle he is easily angered and i dont know what to do. he will yell at me for random things i didnt say and when i try to tell him thats not what i said or meant he will not listen and theres no reasoning or calming him down, it just gets worse...on top of him saying hurtful things that crosses the line and go to deep. he will not go for help or treatment and is starting to drink every day now. he doesnt see what hes doing as wrong or hurtful and always blames me.....im very lost and dont know what to do or how to help him i could use any advice that you give me. i dont want to give up on him but i dont know how much more i can take

 

[Gadgie]

Has he got any close friends that you could talk to? As sometimes people need to be told that they are doing wrong, by a friend, rather than their partner.

Sounds like he is the opposite to me, as when I "go off in one" rage, I used to isolate myself from my wife, until I was over it, and calmed down a bit.

Even if meant just going into another room, she was so understanding, she knew what I was doing, and why.

Try and get him to seek help, if he admits he needs help, then that's half the problem solved, good luck.

 

[Dilligaf]

Hi NJP

Welcome to the forum.

Some of the answers and replies, may not be what you what to hear at ti...

With your advice this women will be divorced in months. This illness isn't something a veteran can just "control." Don't you think if it were that simple, people would choose NOT to be angry and violent?

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Dr. B, Before you judge us, realize that a lot of the supporters in this forum love and cherish their combat vets.

As not only a Combat Veteran myself, yet a childhood sexual assault (M/M Rape) victim myself I can see the proverbial "coin" from both sides.

I may be a "sufferer/survivor" of a traumatic past but I am also a "supporter of anyone whom may need my help in any everyday critical situation".

As @Sweetpea76 has already stated, please do NOT judge anyone with pre/post diagnosis PTSD ( which unfortunatelly I was) by my entire family, ( I have my blame and shame of which I totally accept was MY fault and no one elses !.

PS, Kevin Bl**dy Wilson coined the phrase DILLIGAF back in the 1970's which stands for ......... "Do I Look Like I Give A F**K

YES I DO GIVE A F**K. As should any bystander supporting ANY sufferer of this horrific INJURY of the mind.

Kindest regards

Laurence

 

[Sweetpea76]

Dilligaf, let me ask you this...

If the veteran can't control it, does that mean it is acceptable for their partner to be the object of aggression, violent outbursts, or lashing out?

I don't care if my vet has PTSD, TBI, a brain tumor, bipolar and DID all together, it is not OK to yell in my face.

 

[Friday]

This illness isn't something a veteran can just "control.

Nope. It's something we learn to control.

PTSD isn't an excuse for bad behavior. It's a reason to learn control over bad behavior.

 

[candor]

It's a reason to learn control over bad behavior.

Interesting. I never thought of it like that. I'm just wondering if control can be learned regardless of the age (ex. past 50). I am also thinking that the more someone has isolated themselves the less practice they have had at using control. Then there is the fact that rage can be either something caused by a physical abnormality, a learned behaviour or trauma. Wouldn't anger caused by a physical abnormality be much harder to control than one that is purely psychological? I'd like to believe that behaviour can be controlled but it always seemed to me that the enormous effort I put into dampening my ADHD symptoms were barely noticeable to the outside world. I guess that is why I find it hard to judge others that may be in a similar situation as myself. The only thing that truly helped me was to keep my stress levels down and the same seems true of PTSD. Is it common for sufferers to deny that they have lashed out and if so why does that happen?

 

[Friday]

I'd like to believe that behaviour can be controlled but it always seemed to me that the enormous effort I put into dampening my ADHD symptoms were barely noticeable to the outside world.

LMAO :roflmao:... I actually use ADHD to juxtapose PTSD all the time... Because ADHD symptoms? Are static. They're always going to be there, at full strength, whatever that strength is, forever. The name of the game with ADHD is learning work-arounds; knowing XYZ is the case, period, and working around it. The symptoms never alter, so one has to alter other things... To bring out the strengths of the disorder & minimize the weaknesses. Coping mechanisms to deal with what is and always will be.

PTSD, on the other hand, is highly fluid/changeable. The symptoms increase & decrease in severity & expression in response to a whole lot of factors.

I originally approached PTSD symptoms the way I approach ADHD symptoms (improvise adapt overcome), and you could have knocked me over with a feather when the symptoms themselves started altering in response to what I was doing :wideeyed: Holy f*ck! This is amazing!

Wouldn't anger caused by a physical abnormality be much harder to control than one that is purely psychological?

I suspect that this would very much depend on the individual. What's hardest for one person being the easiest for another & vice versa.

Is it common for sufferers to deny that they have lashed out and if so why does that happen?

My understanding on this one is, yes, very common. ((Although perhaps as common is overreacting the other way; thinking one is committing some sort of grievous infraction, when in fact, not.)) Why do some sufferers lash out & either not see it as lashing out, or see it just fine but lie/deny/defend? I've heard a lot of "makes sense" explanations, here. A lot of those explanations seem to depend on whether
- they're actually aware they're lashing out (disassociation/ depersonalization/ derealization/ flashbacks/ acting out nightmares / etc. means clarity & awareness isn't always working right, as well as compounding memory issues...so even if one is aware in the moment? They plain and simple don't remember doing so later);
- they agree/see it as lashing out (or are stuck in victim mentality), or
- if it's learned behavior (for lie/deny/defend).

I'm using "they" for this one, because I'm in one of the other boats. Some people don't lash out at all, some people lash inwards, and some people -like me- are both usually aware that we lash out in the moment & own it later as well... Whether we remember lashing out or not, it's is a problem we're very much cognizant of.