Kintsugi
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Yesterday my therapist seemed to come to the verge of tears when talking to me.
She is terrified for me, and she didn't mince words much in telling me how deeply concerned she is.
And she isn't the only one.
Two and a half weeks ago, I picked up my biological brother and his girlfriend from the town they live in to come live in my town. I already had a place I was about to move into, I still had my old place... everything was all paid up for the following--whatever--25 days or so except electricity, which I needed to pay my balance for any which way.
My biological brother and I have had almost no relationship in the time I've known he existed, which has been since I was eighteen. We have four other siblings, two 'full-blooded' siblings and two half siblings. I was the only one who was adopted out, at very early infancy--about two weeks old--and I didn't know I had siblings at all until I was seventeen.
Since meeting him and three of my older siblings, I've been able to spend very little time with them. My brother in particular has been difficult to see, because for most of that time he has lived a very far way away with our biological father (both of our parents are dead now).
His girlfriend had really severe PTSD. You could tell. She was diagnosed and medicated with drugs that were consistent with acute PTSD symptoms from my understanding of what people here are prescribed. I don't doubt she had it. It was pretty apparent.
I landed her a job here immediately. I could have given said job to my brother, instead, but because of her anxiety, I decided she was a better candidate, because it was perfectly suited to someone who didn't want to interact with the general public and an easy job.
Four days into working, she disappeared during a smoke break. Spirited away, back from whence she came.
Their relationship was suspect, though I wasn't expecting that. She'd done it several times before in their short relationship. I know from being here that such random and seemingly extreme disappearing acts are not unheard of. I wasn't extremely sorry to see her go. I was mostly frustrated that she soiled my name at that workplace and that I could have gotten that job for my brother instead.
My brother wants to work. And he is trying. I don't doubt that he wants a job. He has a lot counting against him in some ways, and it's easy but not always outstandingly easy to get a job in this town.
When I go to work, I always let him have my car. Sometimes I let him have it overnight. He has free use of everything at my old place, which again is completely paid for, and I've been making sure he has food and tobacco, even though I swore I wouldn't support tobacco, alcohol, or other substance habits when he and his girlfriend got here, because those are luxuries I wouldn't ask other people to pay for when they're already providing me with every necessity and then some.
Okay. Fine.
I have learned that his perspective socially/interpersonally is completely alien from my own, and I wanted my T's help sorting out if that was a cultural difference, a Simon issue, or a real and valid phenomenon that was indicative of a lack of regard or respect for me.
Unfortunately, my T emphatically extrapolated why she felt strongly that is was the last of these things.
She started bringing up lots of things that made too much sense, and it was really difficult for me to take in.
She told me that
It's not that I don't see red flags. I do. I'm an old hand at certain games. I tend to witness the same shit that my adoptive brother did, and it scares me, too. I have observed
Unfortunately, I'm starting to really panic about whether or not my T is right, and I'm screwing myself over as hard as I possibly could by embroiling myself in this situation.
It's a catch-22, though, because this behavior is insidious, and sometimes I think it's all in my head, because, well, I think plenty of people here can sympathize with being gas lit or feeling that they're seeing the world through abuse-colored lenses, and the very last thing I want to do is estrange someone who has the potential to be so healing for me, especially due to a lack of patience or an alarmist perspective.
But, as my T said, if I come into therapy and say, "Surprise! You were completely wrong! Everything is wonderful now!" she will be thrilled, but she doesn't think that's going to happen, and she really tried to hammer into my head that if she is right about how he ticks, there is nothing I can do to fix it, and trying will only get me into further trouble and further endanger my wellbeing. Most of all, she's worried that this will go south, and all I'll be able to focus on is what I could have done differently to fix everything.
And I hate to admit it, but apparently she knows me pretty well, because that would be a very Simon thing for me to do.
My best idea, which my T seemed to find reasonable, was to give him 40 more days to come up with rent money. It is a bit much for me to handle, it really is, but if I don't deal for at least one more month, I will always wonder what if.
Unfortunately, I don't even have the assertiveness skills in this particular relationship (in which I am so vulnerable and so badly want to please and to do the right thing) to go about telling him that his time will be up after that.
More urgently, he seems to believe that because I've been letting him use my car, he's entitled to use my car whenever he wants to. Like, whenever I'm not explicitly using it or when I'm at work. That seems extremely unfair to me, and I really can't afford to let him continue borrowing it in that manner, because I have a long commute to work, so this practice is burning up more than twice as much gas as I would normally need.
I don't even know how to tell him that much: dude, you can't always borrow my car. I can't afford this.
The guilt-trips are really strong, too, like he guilts me about not having transportation and a social group here. That is totally unfair, isn't it? To claim he gets cabin fever? Especially when he's only stuck for 20 hours or so maximum? I've stayed in that place for three days straight, not interacting with anyone, and been fine, and I didn't have any friends here when I moved here, and I certainly didn't fixate on that aspect of life. I focused on how I was going to make money, and if I wasn't focused on that, I was focused on assisting those who were helping me by letting me stay with them.
I realize this post is imposingly long, and it gives more information than it poses questions, but I could seriously use some sound community feedback on this matter, as I feel at a loss to communicate anything at all, and I can't seem to validate myself enough to empower that communication.
She is terrified for me, and she didn't mince words much in telling me how deeply concerned she is.
And she isn't the only one.
Two and a half weeks ago, I picked up my biological brother and his girlfriend from the town they live in to come live in my town. I already had a place I was about to move into, I still had my old place... everything was all paid up for the following--whatever--25 days or so except electricity, which I needed to pay my balance for any which way.
My biological brother and I have had almost no relationship in the time I've known he existed, which has been since I was eighteen. We have four other siblings, two 'full-blooded' siblings and two half siblings. I was the only one who was adopted out, at very early infancy--about two weeks old--and I didn't know I had siblings at all until I was seventeen.
Since meeting him and three of my older siblings, I've been able to spend very little time with them. My brother in particular has been difficult to see, because for most of that time he has lived a very far way away with our biological father (both of our parents are dead now).
His girlfriend had really severe PTSD. You could tell. She was diagnosed and medicated with drugs that were consistent with acute PTSD symptoms from my understanding of what people here are prescribed. I don't doubt she had it. It was pretty apparent.
I landed her a job here immediately. I could have given said job to my brother, instead, but because of her anxiety, I decided she was a better candidate, because it was perfectly suited to someone who didn't want to interact with the general public and an easy job.
Four days into working, she disappeared during a smoke break. Spirited away, back from whence she came.
Their relationship was suspect, though I wasn't expecting that. She'd done it several times before in their short relationship. I know from being here that such random and seemingly extreme disappearing acts are not unheard of. I wasn't extremely sorry to see her go. I was mostly frustrated that she soiled my name at that workplace and that I could have gotten that job for my brother instead.
My brother wants to work. And he is trying. I don't doubt that he wants a job. He has a lot counting against him in some ways, and it's easy but not always outstandingly easy to get a job in this town.
When I go to work, I always let him have my car. Sometimes I let him have it overnight. He has free use of everything at my old place, which again is completely paid for, and I've been making sure he has food and tobacco, even though I swore I wouldn't support tobacco, alcohol, or other substance habits when he and his girlfriend got here, because those are luxuries I wouldn't ask other people to pay for when they're already providing me with every necessity and then some.
Okay. Fine.
I have learned that his perspective socially/interpersonally is completely alien from my own, and I wanted my T's help sorting out if that was a cultural difference, a Simon issue, or a real and valid phenomenon that was indicative of a lack of regard or respect for me.
Unfortunately, my T emphatically extrapolated why she felt strongly that is was the last of these things.
She started bringing up lots of things that made too much sense, and it was really difficult for me to take in.
She told me that
- He was acting like someone at least seven years his junior
- He did not seem to emotionally/interpersonally develop past adolescence
- He was a user, and he was bringing to the table a set of tricks and trappings that I was not equipped to cope with or address, that no one was equipped to cope with or address
- He did not want to further his relationship with me; he wants to find a new person to enable his lack of responsibility and maturity
- I was perfectly ripe for being taken advantage of by such a person
- I am in severe and imminent danger of retraumatizing myself (because my primary abuser is my [adoptive] older brother)
- The only way in which she realistically sees this situation being an emotionally corrective experience is that those around me are willing to point out, name, and call for action on my brother misusing me
- We had already established a faulty and abusive dynamic wherein I was being put in the very unfair position of a parent figure to my older brother
It's not that I don't see red flags. I do. I'm an old hand at certain games. I tend to witness the same shit that my adoptive brother did, and it scares me, too. I have observed
- A short, hot temper
- A sense of entitlement
- Verbal disregard for my feelings, UNTIL it is completely obvious I'm upset, at which point I see
- Backpedaling
- Showering me with trivial gifts (this is a red flag from my abusive boyfriend: "Look how nice I am!")
- Extremely defensive toward anything nearly brushing against criticism
- An instant "buck" response to being told no--disproportionate pushback
- A lack of focus on what is actually necessary to further his situation, seemingly favoring building new relationships with primarily women (perhaps his next stop?)
- Guilt-tripping that I find completely inappropriate given the situation, as if I don't do enough
- And, finally, perhaps worst of all, something I experienced with sadly a dear friend I let stay with me in a similar fashion, seeming to always, always "scrape together enough money" for anything I don't provide, which I find extraordinarily suspect
Unfortunately, I'm starting to really panic about whether or not my T is right, and I'm screwing myself over as hard as I possibly could by embroiling myself in this situation.
It's a catch-22, though, because this behavior is insidious, and sometimes I think it's all in my head, because, well, I think plenty of people here can sympathize with being gas lit or feeling that they're seeing the world through abuse-colored lenses, and the very last thing I want to do is estrange someone who has the potential to be so healing for me, especially due to a lack of patience or an alarmist perspective.
But, as my T said, if I come into therapy and say, "Surprise! You were completely wrong! Everything is wonderful now!" she will be thrilled, but she doesn't think that's going to happen, and she really tried to hammer into my head that if she is right about how he ticks, there is nothing I can do to fix it, and trying will only get me into further trouble and further endanger my wellbeing. Most of all, she's worried that this will go south, and all I'll be able to focus on is what I could have done differently to fix everything.
And I hate to admit it, but apparently she knows me pretty well, because that would be a very Simon thing for me to do.
My best idea, which my T seemed to find reasonable, was to give him 40 more days to come up with rent money. It is a bit much for me to handle, it really is, but if I don't deal for at least one more month, I will always wonder what if.
Unfortunately, I don't even have the assertiveness skills in this particular relationship (in which I am so vulnerable and so badly want to please and to do the right thing) to go about telling him that his time will be up after that.
More urgently, he seems to believe that because I've been letting him use my car, he's entitled to use my car whenever he wants to. Like, whenever I'm not explicitly using it or when I'm at work. That seems extremely unfair to me, and I really can't afford to let him continue borrowing it in that manner, because I have a long commute to work, so this practice is burning up more than twice as much gas as I would normally need.
I don't even know how to tell him that much: dude, you can't always borrow my car. I can't afford this.
The guilt-trips are really strong, too, like he guilts me about not having transportation and a social group here. That is totally unfair, isn't it? To claim he gets cabin fever? Especially when he's only stuck for 20 hours or so maximum? I've stayed in that place for three days straight, not interacting with anyone, and been fine, and I didn't have any friends here when I moved here, and I certainly didn't fixate on that aspect of life. I focused on how I was going to make money, and if I wasn't focused on that, I was focused on assisting those who were helping me by letting me stay with them.
I realize this post is imposingly long, and it gives more information than it poses questions, but I could seriously use some sound community feedback on this matter, as I feel at a loss to communicate anything at all, and I can't seem to validate myself enough to empower that communication.
