Sexual Assault I Know I Have Trauma--but I Don't Know If It's My Fault

[bug]

Hi all.

Here goes: I was fourteen, and I had a boyfriend who would pimp me out to other men for money. If I came back emptyhanded or I made him mad in any way, he'd hit and/or rape me. I know that is clearly nonconsensual. What I'm more confused about is, I'm not sure whether to call my experience prostitution or trafficking. I know that legally, there's no such thing as child prostitution, but at the same time, I feel like I put myself in that position by initially getting in his car the first day I began having sex for money. I feel really guilty and ashamed about this, and my therapist refers to me as a "former prostitute", not a victim. I don't want to be a victim, but I don't want to believe I was a prostitute either.

So I was hoping I could get some help from you all. Was this (my PTSD) my fault? Can I even consider it a sexual trauma if I didn't run away or leave my pimp? Thank you for taking the time to listen.

 

[Casey_03]

Not your fault at all, and your therapist sounds pretty ignorant. You were 14!!! You were a child. You did not put yourself in that position by getting in the car, or even by having sex for money -- a predator manipulated you and took advantage of your young age, end of story. That's sexual abuse. It's not any different than if a male relative had molested you. Do not blame yourself, that's how predators like your ex-boyfriend learn to manipulate girls and women -- by making them feel as if it's their fault and breaking their self esteem. Don't let him win, and don't blame yourself. You did not deserve any of this, you were not asking for it, and you didn't put yourself in that position. You were abused.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I think 14 is young, and don't think you could have fully understood the consequences it would have on your mind. You were abused. Your T should not be calling you a former prostitute.

 

[bluebird]

I agree with others... You were a child - fourteen years old is very young and vulnerable. (And sadly, something called child prostitution exists - not because of the child´s choice, but because the child is forced to do so - it´s a form of child abuse, a very cruel one and definitely not the fault of the child - as no form of abuse is the fault of the victim).

The people who organize something like that are manipulating their victims. This is also not your fault. Many people do not run away from their abusers, because they are being constantly lied to about them not being able to survive on their own, about the abuser being the only one who cares, loves them, that they just have to try harder to please him... You are not the only one who believed these lies. It´s difficult to stop believing them, even years after, when lies were all you had known.

It´s hard to see yourself as a child who was deceived, manipulated and hurt by somebody you trusted. It´s a painful process, that does not happen overnight. But please, remember, that it was not your fault. You were good and you still are! (virtual hug if ok)

To me, calling you the way your therapist does sounds very insensitive and unprofessional and I can understand why it is bothering you. She should not say such things. Did you tell her you mind?

Take care

 

[Suzetig]

You were sexually exploited, which is a form of child sex abuse. It wasn't your fault. I wonder if you could tell your therapist to stop calling what happened child prostitution - that's a very out dated phrase now and a label that isn't helpful to you.

 

[EveHarrington]

It's not you're fault in the least. I hope you can soon move to a point where you can place the blame where it belongs-----on those who abused you.

 

[bug]

I'm completely sobbing over all of these responses, thank you so so unbelievably much. I think believing (understanding?) that I was a victim/abused makes the pain and trauma that much more real--and I want to avoid it if I can! but I know that I have to stop believing i did something wrong if I ever want to get better. Thank you again--I can't even express how much this means to me to hear all of this.

 

[bug]

It's not you're fault in the least. I hope you can soon move to a point where you can place the bl...

Thank you.
I really want to be angry towards him, but I don't think I ask yet. Baby steps, right? Thank you for your words and kindness.

 

[bug]

Not your fault at all, and your therapist sounds pretty ignorant. You were 14!!! You were a child. You...

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I want you to know I took a screenshot of this, and I think I'll start reading it regularly. I really needed to hear this tonight.

 

[bug]

I agree with others... You were a child - fourteen years old is very young and vulnerable. (And sadly,...

The virtual hug is accepted and returned (if ok)! I really appreciate how thoughtful your response was, thank you! Logically, I know I was manipulated--but part of me wants to completely dissociate from that reality, if thst makes sense.
Re child prostitution, I meant to say that child prostitution doesn't exist bc a child can't give consent--but that trafficking and exploiting children sexually definitely does--sorry for the confusion!

 

[bug]

You were sexually exploited, which is a form of child sex abuse. It wasn't your fault. I wonder if you c...

I hope and want o believe you're right. Just last week she said I put myself in a traumatic situation, and ever since, I've been feeling so guilty and dirty and suicidal and intrusive thoughts have been creeping in. Thank you for being so kind.

 

[Fadeaway]

There is a reason that statutory rape is a crime, the court of law does not consider a 14-year-old, mentally or emotionally old enough to consent to sex. Now, let's take into account forced prostitution.

In the eyes of the law, and in our eyes, you are 100% innocent. Be gentle with yourself, you have our support. And get a new therapist if you can. You were not a prostitute but a victim of human trafficking.