Toxic Shame

[mary1979]

Am I the only sufferer on the planet who does disgusting and stupid things when in a full blown panic state?

I suffer mostly these days with abandonment issues, and any perceived rejection (some real but many imagined) or even critical language from my husband launches in me into various flash back states that leave me with symptoms ranging from withdrawal and self isolation, pushing him away to tears and guilt where i try to draw him in usually without just asking for it, it tends to be more manipulative than anything, or to full on rage where I act out in 'revenge' where I have this idea I can make him feel like he made me feel like he has made me feel (ridiculous since half the time I've made MYSELF feel like I feel)


This serves only to feed my shame and guilt once I come out of the state hours or days later and just exasperates my self loathing creating a circular affect which is currently making me sicker and sicker and him resent me more and more..


I haven't been in treatment for many years and when I did, I was still very much in denial about being abandoned so this has not been addressed in a healthy manner yet in the almost 20 years since my diagnosis.
I'm awaiting my therapy appointment and I just feel so alone in this, like I'm the worst human ever and deserve my misery ten fold :(

Anyone else this bad?

 

[Tinyflame]

I have the toxicity sometimes, but I guess I pre-suppose abandonment, or more so deserving abandonment, so other than feeling hurt I don't feel it's correct to turn it on others, those times I'd turn it on myself.

 

[mary1979]

I have the toxicity sometimes, but I guess I pre-suppose abandonment, or more so deserving abandonment, s...

Yes I am very similar.

The disgusting and cruel things I have done started when my husband told me our marriage was over, I'm not totally sure if I was trying to replace him before I lost my crap, or hurt him like I felt hurt

The second time was definitely spite, we were supposed to be working on things and he said he was breaking up with me again because id become so insecure about him leaving that I was a nutter, I over reacted to some things he said and did and slept with the first guy to come along

Then it became a terrible back n forth of he hurts me, threatens to give up or shuts me out, I talk to guys online and arrange dates and even tell him about

It only happens when I drink but comes from a place of uncontrollable rage so the alcohol is no excuse

I'm like a wounded bull.


The other stuff i do is totally just self destructive but naturally it hurts my loved ones along the way unintentionally

And i don't think i know how to ask for what I need at the best of times, let alone in a state, I had to learn to scam whatever I wanted from a very young age..

Basically I am one fully grown toddler with no freaking clue.

 

[Tinyflame]

Best wishes to you @mary1979 . :hug:

 

[Kintsugi]

I identify greatly with a lot of what you've written, though to a probably lesser degree. However, I've been (inconstantly) treated for years and began treatment young.

 

[angrypanda]

I think you've found a great place and I commend you for returning to treatment. I deal in deep levels of shame also and constantly fear abandonment real or perceived. Your self awareness is great and hopefully will allow lots of growth in therapy. :)

 

[Go Hungry]

It only happens when I drink but comes from a place of uncontrollable rage so the alcohol is no excuse.

This right here shows a massive red flag to me. Alcohol can be trigger in itself, add that to its deleterious effects (no inhibitions or verbal filter) and it's a hell of a dangerous drug. I would avoid it if I were you. I have to...

Also I totally get what your talking about with toxicity. I came very very close to losing my girlfriend because I was flashing back to one of my traumas. I was so dead set against getting hurt again that I was projecting my fears onto her, accusing her of things that weren't actually happening, etc. It was really hard for both of us, until I saw the light.

 

[mary1979]

This right here shows a massive red flag to me. Alcohol can be trigger in itself, add that to its dele...

Oh definitely the alcohol triggers me into my most self destructive states.
But ironically it also calms me in an anxiety attack lol

I've been self medicating for way too long, and it took an alcohol fueled weekend where I took illegal drugs for the first time in my 37 years and thought it a great idea to hang out with a drug dealer for the night to realise id hit rock bottom again and it was time to start crawling back before I got myself killed.

Self destruct seems to have been a career option for me aha

 

[Celtic]

Am I the only sufferer on the planet who does disgusting and stupid things when in a full blown panic s...

Mary,

I relate a great deal to your post...I went through the same vicious cycle forever it seems like..unlike you, I was not able to see it or unravel it.. seemed like I was my own worst enemy. the actions and behaviors I brought on seems to come from nowhere and I could not control it or did not know how to stop it. I was in therapy for years and did a ton of self help stuff and the episodes lessened, but I still have them they are much less blustery then they used to be. The guilt and shame I felt after the episodes was unbearable. learning through this site it may be a combination of dissociation along with our bodies way of coping with current and past stress. signal to get back into therapy as you indicate. I would be interested to learn if your self destructive states lessen after you enter therapy. I wish I had an answer for you or a solution, but alI I can offer is ; you are not alone in this. I am sending you a tremendous amount of positive glowing healing white light!

hugs to you if you accept them.

 

[mary1979]

T

Mary,

I relate a great deal to your post...I went through the same vicious cycle forever it seems like.....

Thanks @Celtic :)

I wad really lost when I got here, in a bad bad state.
My therapy begins this Thursday so ill be sure to keep you posted x
Hugs right back at ya

 

[Thinkbig]

What helped me was to study about emotional flashbacks that can be just as debilitating. It's like getting stuck looking at the world (for me) through a child's eyes and all these overwhelming emotions are happening that no child can deal with! But once I realized that it was actually a flashback I was able to start listening to the voice of that child that wanted so badly to be seen, heard, held.

I'm 1980 by the way!!! :)

 

[Celtic]

What helped me was to study about emotional flashbacks that can be just as debilitating. It's like gett...

Thinkbig

you are very brave.