How Do You Trust Your Abuser?

[Friday]

Saying you trust someone who beats you up doesn't sound like it is a good idea in my opinion.

You don't think it's a good idea for me to trust that someone who beats me up is going to beat me up? I'm pretty sure that's something I can take to the bank. He's extremely reliable in being a complete and utter prick.

I am absolutely confident in, have complete faith in, total certainty, utter conviction, & am quite assured... That my ex is abusive. I trust him to be abusive. I do not trust him to be safe.


***

trust
trəst/
noun

1. 1.
   firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.
   synonyms: Link Removed, Link Removed, Link Removed, Link Removed, Link Removed, Link Removed, Link Removed;
   Link Removed
   "good relationships are built on trust"

 

[EveHarrington]

I think a heathy dose of mistrust is quite warranted!

Mistrust anything good; trust them to continue with the shenanigans.

 

[glass half full]

Sorry, but this is a silly agreement. Trust is earned and it sounds as though not only has your supervisor squandered any trust she might have earned in the past, but she's unlikely to earn it back in the future. Messing with the definition of words to come up with something that sounds good, but is meaningless is one of my pet peeves. Anyway- I agree with all those who said you don't trust her, but play the game by being courteous and professional, but say nothing more to her than is absolutely necessary.

 

[joeylittle]

part of what the company wrote was starting over with trust, cooperation and mutual respect.

I agree with others, that 'trust' does not equal 'like' or 'forgive'.

Also, this sounds like very boilerplate language - if I were you, I'd not get too hung up on it. The intention of the phrase is that you will leave the grievance in the past, as will they. A sort of 'clean slate' thing. Which you can do without specifically needing to invest in this person emotionally as being anything other than a person at your workplace. A little like saying 'fight's over, no grudges, back to your tasks you go'.

If you were to get up and abruptly leave the room every time she entered, tell people she is a snake, and/or refuse to accept direction from her - that last part is probably the most relevant, since she's a manager - then you'd be breaching those terms.

So, she seems phony. That's fine. You don't have to like her so long as you can work under her and behave as one generally would based on what's appropriate in your workplace.

 

[Notsowild]

Well sh!t, getting a settlement cheque AND watching her get the boot - that may well be worth sticking around for!

I'm sure all my co-workers will be dancing the gig too. But so far the company seems to be keeping her.

Be careful about looking too soon and there is no way I would use her letter of recommendati...

They say it will be a generic letter saying what my job is and how long I've worked there. I don't intend on quitting yet but I have been looking around. Don't want to make my managers life too easy. Being a "thorn in her side" makes me very happy.

I get the feeling you "trust" (trust-trust) your company at some kind of gut level. Only because you're taking buzz words as edict (thou shalt trust, respect, blah blah blah moving forwards blah blah blah), and taking them really personally. I doubt in the extreme that your company &/or the higher ups & anyone else expects you to *actually* trust-trust your abusive boss. Much less expects you to expect it of yourself because they say so. I could be wrong (in thinking you trust your company, or feel compelled to do as they say because you trust them). Often am. It's just a feeling I'm getting.

So true. Great gut feeling you have. I could like your post 1000 times. Can you be my manager?

Be professional and courteous but that doesn't mean you trust anyone...... Good luck!

The first few days after the settlement I was feeling a little leery about the whole thing. I don't want to be her best friend. So I was quite cold to my manager. But the last few days I've been professional and courteous. Takes time, but we'll see how it goes. Thanks.

 

[Notsowild]

I think a heathy dose of mistrust is quite warranted!
Mistrust anything good; trust them to continue with the shenanigans.

I'll never never totally trust her. I have this sixth sense about people. Maybe it's from being abused most of my life. I'm am hoping though she'll leave me alone and let me do my job.

@glass half full...

I agree the word "trust" could have been changed. Never thought about it when I signed it. My Union pre approved it. But I agree with others I don't think the company expects me to honestly trust her. Trying to think what word they should have used? What do you think?

@joeylittle...
Yes I agree I'm getting too hung up on the word "trust". I'll see how it goes. I still have my accomadation so shes not allowed to speak to me without a co-worker present. Plus our weekly meetings with HR and my union. I'll try to think of it as a "clean slate". Thanks
Btw... I think you're doing a wonderful job as our new admin.

 

[glass half full]

I'll never never totally trust her. I have this sixth sense about people. Maybe it's from being abused...

I used to do labor relations work and always drafted agreements myself for this reason- I didn't like others' inexactitude with language... So- IMHO- cooperate with, or be cooperative seems to be more refective of what's realistically possible than "trust".

 

[deleted]

You dont. The end.

 

[Notsowild]

I find that whenever she comes in the room my anxiety heightens. She is a stressor to me after all. Don't know how to get over that.

 

[tacit]

I used a combination of relaxation & exposure therapy techniques with mine.

I only ever came across one technique where I was ever able to truly reach the state of relaxed – both mentally, physically & emotionally. I also realised that the real benefit of practicing relaxation was in the creation of a reference point of calm/relaxed that can be recalled when times get tough.

For me, or how I was shown, exposure therapy was less about desensitisation & more about actively & deliberately training my body to respond to certain situations or circumstances differently. At the time the two main steps I took from it were lessening my anxiety levels & being detective. Although exposure therapy has preparation steps & I was only plucking out a couple to use at the time, I have no doubt that by even just using these two I was still recalling on my whole experiences with it in the past. So the thing I focused on was my anxiety to be less than when it started & to hang around long enough for it to do so. Not for the anxiety to go away…just had to be less. It could still be there..just had to be less. And to assist in that, I would be a detective & source out all the evidence I could find to support that I was safe. Of course being able to recall calm/relaxed helped with this a lot, as well as staying present, but basically I would look for all the reasons I could find that supported that I was safe & ok. In return my anxiety would lessen slightly & that would be good enough to end on.

However my situation was also similar in the case that there are only so many times that I could walk out to get a drink or go to the toilet & leave the situation & it seem appropriate. So instead of leaving the situation once my anxiety levels had lessen, I focused all my energies on being completely present with whatever it was that I was doing. When I felt my anxiety levels rise again, I would just repeat the exercise.

It definitely worked. In fact I was even a bit greedy. When I no longer felt anxiety & instead only a little discomfort, I was still not content. I didn’t see why anyone or anything should have any power over me, even if it was only uncomfortable. So I modified the exercise slightly & continued until they could literally be anyone. Pretty cool feeling that was. :tup:

Not knowing what you already know or practice, I hope you can find something interesting in that. It certainly helped me. :)