hi me again, I just finished watching "maid" on netflix, a show about DV. My therapist would give me a sideways glance, not in a mean way but cause I can be a bit reckless when it comes to watching things that trigger my flashbacks (I think some part of me finds it comforting.) I'm glad I did though, I recognize right now how much I derealize from my own past. It's hard to stay aware of what happened as if it was real. My ex boyfriend abused me, a lot, all the time at the end. And I had completely lost my mind, I was delusional like the mother in the show. I would see things in the dark, I was living and spending most of my time. I talked to the trees and sang, his family watching me from the window. I find now those moments felt the most haunting, when he was around I was in too much of a daze to really remember much at all. I stopped eating near the end, I was bed bound, would crawl on the floor to the folding table and the mini fridge I set up. I would cry and make food for myself. Often a huge plate of bacon or something the like. I never ate back then till I was really starving. When we were i college together I started finding white powder in my drinks. I think that's when he started drugging me, in the end I stopped eating anything he gave me. I remember having a panic attack and he held me in his arms till I fell asleep. I remember he would punch concrete walls till his knuckles bled. When we met I felt like- he was suffering like me. I romanticized my suffering because I had to, how else could I survive. I see so much of myself in the lead girl, I got out, I got away, but I slip, less now, hopefully never again. I see my father in me, his desire to tirelessly work for the love of someone who can never truly appreciate him. I was abused as a child, I was abused by my ex boyfriend, I was even abused by my ex girlfriend- not nearly as bad- but the people I seem to attach myself to are often so absorbed in their suffering they can't see me even though I'm right there. I realize now, they never loved me, they never could, and they never will. They may want me they may not, I may be messy and crazy and I may be f*cked up but J would never treat anyone the way I've been treated. It repeats in my head over and over my therapist relaying to me that I don't believe I can be myself, my truest most authentic wild self unless I'm with someone who warrants that behavior. She didn't use those words, she said more that I don't feel worthy of stable love, that I don't want to hurt someone but I still want to be love. So I bank on people who hold no guarantee of showing up for me in any way. I know really I shouldn't date, but I can't help it, I'm human and I love that love. I just need to- be less silly about it all. stop the cycles, I know when I struggle more I start thinking I should find a girl to be with, that I should go back to her, she doesn't want me anyway and I knew that for a long time. She wouldn't let me break up with her. I look at her profile, texted her today asking if she got her stuff I sent back and she said she did, it was nice she was nice. I told her I would still like to be friends if she ever wants to, she loved the message and didn't reply. It's for the best I have got to let go. It's hard when I struggle- I just want to suffer again so I don't have to remember what happened, I can just give myself new less bad trauma to focus on instead. It feels more manageable that way. I don't know what to do it's so compulsive. Finding myself in bad situations I put myself in, with people I don't even like, and yet I must get them to like me- to want me- it goes back to my trafficking. To the way I was raised to live for the pleasure of others. I don't want to anymore. But when I think of what I want? Even years later, even when I know what's right for me, when I have these plans and dreams and big aspirations. The hole is still there, the constant aching painful reminder that I am alone, I'm not alone, I have lots of love, support and care, so many good good people who love and cherish me, who think I'm a really good person who deserves the peace I'm giving myself. but still, no one can carry what I've been through with me, no one can take it and hold it for even a second, it's mine, the horrible gift of my youth. I am tired, I ache, physically, I have so little energy left in me after everything I went through. I got 4-5 hours of sleep almost every day since I was- I don't know feels like since I was born. Of course I'm tired of course I ache. I cry out in pain some days. I was hurt so badly, and for a long time I let myself be hurt to. I choose peace now. I choose me now. And I'll slip again, a little less bad than the last time, and I will feel and I will do something probably not good for me and I will pick myself up off the floor and I will eat my big meals I will take my showers I will do my yoga and brush my teeth. I will take my dog out to walk and cuddle with him while he licks my face and makes me burst into uncontrollable laughter. I will say dumb things to my friends, I will reach out for help, I will go to therapy, I will wake up in the morning to my cats gentle tapping. I will peel myself from my musery every time. Even when I want to disappear forever- in the bad way- I never have- I doubt I ever will. I'll do anything and everything else instead. I will begin to take up space, no more being mousey, I will be bold and do scary things and create and share and be a person in the world and I will do it all for me, and for love, and for peace. I don't know how I'm still alive, I don't know how I wake up every day and keep living. I'm glad I do, I'm glad I can listen to the trees, I can drink lemonade and eat mangos, I can experience these small pleasures. Which to me are the only thing I find pleasurable really. These peaceful wholesome moments where I can connect to my body and the earth and it isn't like scribbling biolently on a papawr with a black and red crayon. I'm drawing little flowers with glittery crayons now, gently and softly building a little world where I can be peaceful and free. Where I don't have to worry where my next meal will come from, where i need never doubt that I am loved. So anyway, for a moment I recognize fully and grounded how much I suffered through and fought through to get here. I'm glad I watched it even though it triggered me quite a few times, I did that. I fought so hard, so hard, and yes I will carry it, but what a gift I am such a loving person, and can turn that love in on myself. I set myself free. I save myself. I protect me. I ache to be protected, to be cherished the ways my inner child imagines I could be. And maybe one day I will be by some special person. But I don't want to be in that situation ever again. I don't wanna put myself there again. Sometimes I do- but I can't, I've come to far to be a victim anymore, I have become uncontrollable, cannot be gaslit or manipulated or hurt. As my therapist said I am a swan, an angel but I am also a dragon. I am a dragon!!! I love myself, I love everything, I am everything, I am as all things are.
