Sexual Assault Covert (even overt) maternal incest

Long story shot parents divorced when i was 5 ... bad divorce, just that was traumatic.

After that mother made me her emotional support = parentified me and more . Our relationship felt like we were some couple , now that i look retrospectively. We spend a lot of time together, going on walks , talking, cuddling too much , sleeping i same bed together until i was around 10-11, bathing(she bathed me until i was i guss 8/9 BUT she always came at the end to scrub me "proper" and clean my back . Its so weird like i was unable to clean myself properly... she would come and scrub and there would be some dead skin she showed me that ;like see i have to come; ofc you can do that almost indefinitely until you injure yourself there will be always some skin ... soo that tipe of bathing continued until i was around 12 but she never had problem just to enter bathroom if she needed even after. Generally she had no boundaries my privacy was optional she would just enter my room no knockings' or anything... In summer she would sometimes sleep fully nude i saw everything multiple times. One of our "activities" was plucking her legs hairs with tweezers, she showed me how to do it and from then on every day or every other day she would lie on couch and i would be plucking her hairs . Crazy crazy i know . When we cuddled in bed at night she would spoon me sometimes and i felt those same hairs prickle me on my thigh or butt. There lot of intense moments like that with her. Sometimes she asked back massage ,there was a time she would lay on stomach remove shirt and unbutton her bra.... We were so enmeshed and codependent its unbelievable even to me that went through it . , i knew her body too well, but as i say we were like a couple. Next when she would bathe she would call me to scrub her back ... I can go on and on a million situations but this paints the picture of our physical closeness over every border for son and mother relationship...

She would sometimes really on occasion, complain about her friends to me how they are like this and like that... she avoided real "adult" talking more or less but i think she regulated herself by our closeness and how good i was to her . I would bring her flowers for occasions or sometimes randomly to make her happy. There were definitely romantic undertones so my conclusion was she was happy when with me,

but she also had mood swings and anger issues that she would expel from time to time or when things were not as she wanted them to be. She could get really angry, aggressive, and she would not hesitate to hit if she wanted . I was kinda like an extension of her because I was just a kid she knew she could do with me as she wanted and she would even use manipulation sometimes to get her way like crying to make me feel bad ...

I'm just coming to terms with all of this a lot was kind of repressed and its heavy on me extremely , my life feels like is falling apart at the moment.
This is just a part that i wrote quickly i had to share with someone i cant keep it inside any longer

Welcome. I'm sorry for what you went through.
This site really helps as there are lots of us with similar experiences.

My mum was/is very similar to yours. The bathing, the lack of privacy, the knowing her body too well. Yep to all of that.

It's difficult to process.
But you're amongst people who understand.

Movingforward10 said:

Welcome. I'm sorry for what you went through.
This site really helps as there are lots of us with similar experiences.

My mum was/is very similar to yours. The bathing, the lack of privacy, the knowing her body too well. Yep to all of that.

It's difficult to process.
But you're amongst people who understand.

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Thank you . I will need all the support i can get, I was living in denial , never wanted to admit to myself all this and when i did it felt like im going to drown. But i hope things will be better !
How are you doing now , do you go to therapy or been to therapy?

mako said:

Thank you . I will need all the support i can get, I was living in denial , never wanted to admit to myself all this and when i did it felt like im going to drown. But i hope things will be better !
How are you doing now , do you go to therapy or been to therapy?

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I was exactly the same.

Didn't examine any of that stuff until my 40s.

I have had therapy for over 6 years. And am just ending my therapy at the moment as I am in a much much better space.
I no longer see my mum's body when I look at mine. Or if I do, on the odd occasion, then I can believe myself when I say "this isn't her body, it's mine and I'm alright".
I also am low contact with my mum. At the moment I have blocked her (I do this every now and then when it gets too much for me - I haven't ever made the decision to go no contact).

It does get better. But exploring it is hard so do be gentle on yourself as you process.

Movingforward10 said:

I was exactly the same.

Didn't examine any of that stuff until my 40s.

I have had therapy for over 6 years. And am just ending my therapy at the moment as I am in a much much better space.
I no longer see my mum's body when I look at mine. Or if I do, on the odd occasion, then I can believe myself when I say "this isn't her body, it's mine and I'm alright".
I also am low contact with my mum. At the moment I have blocked her (I do this every now and then when it gets too much for me - I haven't ever made the decision to go no contact).

It does get better. But exploring it is hard so do be gentle on yourself as you process.

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That sounds good!
Now this is going to look awful, but that how it is , if i could i would make it all disappear:
Can i ask you were you sexually attracted to your mother or that whole taboo . For me all those events when my mom exposed herself and been sexually suggestive are burned into my mind and its feels wrong but also incredibly arousing . I was her validation and attention "machine" as she gave up on dating not even 2 years after divorce. Thats how she managed to be "alone" she made me into her perfect partner when she needed one - minus "sexual intercours". She even took a photo of me naked in the bath, i was 12 years old it was when i started to develope or i think that's the reason , Extremely confusing and hard to deal with but now it's starting to make some sense . Its is not my shame to carry i didn't choose to be abused and to experience those feelings.

mako said:

That sounds good!
Now this is going to look awful, but that how it is , if i could i would make it all disappear:
Can i ask you were you sexually attracted to your mother or that whole taboo . For me all those events when my mom exposed herself and been sexually suggestive are burned into my mind and its feels wrong but also incredibly arousing . I was her validation and attention "machine" as she gave up on dating not even 2 years after divorce. Thats how she managed to be "alone" she made me into her perfect partner when she needed one - minus "sexual intercours". She even took a photo of me naked in the bath, i was 12 years old it was when i started to develope or i think that's the reason , Extremely confusing and hard to deal with but now it's starting to make some sense . Its is not my shame to carry i didn't choose to be abused and to experience those feelings.

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I didn't have that with my mum, no. But I did with others. I was sexually abused/raped by others so I did (sometimes still do) have fantasies about those. It did cause me a lot of distress to think like that. I'm now aware of what it means for my mental health if I am thinking that way.
I also acted out things trough kink, which makes me upset because some of that was also with my partner. But, that was all a very long time ago now.

There is no shame. It's no ours to hold. That was a revelation for me as I always felt it was 'me'.

It is extremely confusing. Unpicking what is yours and your desire and what is the impact of abuse.

seeing you.

+1 on the whole "attraction" thing. I have that unravelling a bit at the moment. dissociative parts attracted to my dad and/or stepmum. I think a lot of it is tied to the belief/feeling that sexual interaction/approval from them defines love and affection. and also purpose, people need purpose and if you're abused you get given one, and degraded in a way that you feel you can't have any other.

Dark.Green.Feathers said:

seeing you.

+1 on the whole "attraction" thing. I have that unravelling a bit at the moment. dissociative parts attracted to my dad and/or stepmum. I think a lot of it is tied to the belief/feeling that sexual interaction/approval from them defines love and affection. and also purpose, people need purpose and if you're abused you get given one, and degraded in a way that you feel you can't have any other.

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Are you female ?
Look like we are in a similar situation regarding attraction just reversed genders(plus unfortunately you say you also were abused by both parents) if you are female .
Really well said i felt that : we were given "purpose" when our caretakers crossed boundaries , false purpose.
In last few days i started educating myself on the topic ,and i read a few experiences from men with inappropriate mothers; its crazy how similar stories are, many of them
sound just like mine to the point that it felt like i wrote them. I was like "did i post somewhere else? no, i know i didnt" It creeped me out how that experience has kind of scheme; usally starts with divorce, death of a father(or basically absent father}, then mother spends a lot of time with son , there is mother bathing son and cosleeping pass the appropriate age , emotional codependency/emeshment, inappropriate physical closeness and things progress more and more sometimes to full incest but that is rear most of it is couple like dynamic but without intecors but as i understood consequences are can and are same as full on incest.

From one the other forums comment to someone's experience highlights it; "Been on here over 10 years now and I have read almost the same post about three times before. I actually had to check the dates it was so similar. No expert but from that experience apparently socially isolated women who care for their sons, who have been abandoned by their husband or in this case not been emotionally supported as she needed to develop a relationship like yours. In some cases it goes further, much further..."

To come back to your comments ; we are given "purpose" ,and may i add, that no child should ever have, its a corrupt burden that produces really confusing and deep trauma as it transpired in formative years by people that should be safe. Not that my mother is some monster she is not , she was lost and unfortunately did many selfish and stupid actions , hurt people hurt people .I still love her but i dont know if i will ever be able to fully forgive her , really confusing and hard to comprehend it all.

Movingforward10 said:

I didn't have that with my mum, no. But I did with others. I was sexually abused/raped by others so I did (sometimes still do) have fantasies about those. It did cause me a lot of distress to think like that. I'm now aware of what it means for my mental health if I am thinking that way.
I also acted out things trough kink, which makes me upset because some of that was also with my partner. But, that was all a very long time ago now.

There is no shame. It's no ours to hold. That was a revelation for me as I always felt it was 'me'.

It is extremely confusing. Unpicking what is yours and your desire and what is the impact of abuse.

Click to expand...

mako said:

Are you female ?
Look like we are in a similar situation regarding attraction just reversed genders(plus unfortunately you say you also were abused by both parents) if you are female .
Really well said i felt that : we were given "purpose" when our caretakers crossed boundaries , false purpose.
In last few days i started educating myself on the topic ,and i read a few experiences from men with inappropriate mothers; its crazy how similar stories are, many of them
sound just like mine to the point that it felt like i wrote them. I was like "did i post somewhere else? no, i know i didnt" It creeped me out how that experience has kind of scheme; usally starts with divorce, death of a father(or basically absent father}, then mother spends a lot of time with son , there is mother bathing son and cosleeping pass the appropriate age , emotional codependency/emeshment, inappropriate physical closeness and things progress more and more sometimes to full incest but that is rear most of it is couple like dynamic but without intecors but as i understood consequences are can and are same as full on incest.

From one the other forums comment to someone's experience highlights it; "Been on here over 10 years now and I have read almost the same post about three times before. I actually had to check the dates it was so similar. No expert but from that experience apparently socially isolated women who care for their sons, who have been abandoned by their husband or in this case not been emotionally supported as she needed to develop a relationship like yours. In some cases it goes further, much further..."

To come back to your comments ; we are given "purpose" ,and may i add, that no child should ever have, its a corrupt burden that produces really confusing and deep trauma as it transpired in formative years by people that should be safe. Not that my mother is some monster she is not , she was lost and unfortunately did many selfish and stupid actions , hurt people hurt people .I still love her but i dont know if i will ever be able to fully forgive her , really confusing and hard to comprehend it all.

Click to expand...

I just saw that you are a male, sry about that i got confused