1% chance of success

[GoldenSnakeGentleman]

Recently a Taiwanese writer committed suicide by hanging, because of her childhood sexual abuse, her death prompted me to realise that: If I continue to be in my depression and PTSD avoidance (6 years of unemployment, cropped up in my house, coming to 3 years without going out), I have a high percentage of following her footsteps.

I too am a victim of sexual abuse by my mother, and due to my high pressure job at that time more than 15 years ago, I developed severe depression and PTSD.

After experiencing a radical change in my thinking, now instead of constantly thinking of the 99% chance of failure, it's a fight for the 1% chance of success.

Because it is either victory, or death from depression, PTSD or heart disease. (I developed angina after over a decade of depression and PTSD).

So instead of writing at my journal in the PTSD diary, let me start to write here.

For a start, this is me, and I want to tell myself "I can do it.

 

[ladee]

Yes, you can do it... many here are doing it... I am doing it... a lot of support here.... happy you posted and hope that percentage goes up as time passes. Welcome.

 

[GoldenSnakeGentleman]

Yes, you can do it... many here are doing it... I am doing it... a lot of support here.... happy you post...

Thanks :) I will try my best for the 1%.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Learning different ways to redirect my thoughts towards what I could do to healthily enrich my life vs. continually focusing on what I had been robbed of at the hands of others finally helped a good shift happen in my world. May it do the same for you. Pre-programmed and trauma-induced fears are some stubborn beasts to work our way around.

 

[The Albatross]

Dunno if the 99 to 1 is really statistically valid or accurate --- or is a distortion but go you, and welcome.

 

[GoldenSnakeGentleman]

Thanks for all your support, I will try my best. :)

 

[GoldenSnakeGentleman]

This is a good video that I watched:
Cognitive Dissonance and Childhood Abuse

About cognitive dissonance, and it made me realise that due to my long years of childhood abuse, i too will also allow myself to be abused because "it is not as bad as how my parents did to me". But then people will interpret it as "he feels it's ok because he's guilty", I think.

And no I'm not allowing myself to be sad or rewrite those abusive stuff which are already written in my diary.
So yes this thread will be about aid and tools to help with healing, and no diary stuff.

 

[GoldenSnakeGentleman]

The local government agency for Family and Social services have got back to me regarding counselling and therapy for my CSA :)

 

[Gamera3000]

Good for you! You're standing up and fighting for yourself, and that's very brave! My mom was inappropriate with me and my three older brothers. I don't know for sure, but I think she has been sexually abusing my younger brother for some time. He is autistic and has a limited ability to defend himself. We all have a limited ability to defend ourselves against our mothers, to be honest. My brother is 30 and he is still living with her. So don't look at being in your home fortress as necessarily a bad thing- you have escaped and are able to self advocate!

 

[GoldenSnakeGentleman]

@Gamera3000 Thanks for the encouragement :) All the best to your healing journey too.
I really want to thank this forum, and wow time flies and I just got my 2nd anniversary here, and it took the death of the taiwanese girl author (She had CSA too), to make me go get help.

And it was Moberg and Bobbi from Trauma Recovery University who made me decide to go get counselling & therapy help (Moberg mentioned she had many years of therapy). It's being able to relate totally with people from the same background that you can actually take their advice, more so than what a doctor can influence, I think.

Previously, I was googling and watching tons of videos on PTSD, and almost all are veteran and combat related, I can't actually relate 100% to them, although I know what is like to have what they are having. e.g. Hypervigilance, Anxiety, Depression, Anger and so on. But they got PTSD from combat which is honorable of course, but i got it from CSA, so it's hard to open up and relate and trust, until I don't know how I discovered recently, like last week, the Trauma Recovery University.

And I know I'm repeating myself at some parts, is it a bad habit? :) My wife says I like to do that.

 

[GoldenSnakeGentleman]

I'm awaiting help from the government with regards to my child sexual abuse ptsd, although I am feeling hopeful but I try to not get too hopeful.

So that if I don't get 100% help, I am still happy to get 1% help, although this sounds bad. I think because of my ptsd and depression for my whole life already, i always think i get the worst outcome.

Jobless for 6 years and hiding in my house for 3 years, enough time for anyone to complete their university and masters degree.

 

[GoldenSnakeGentleman]

My local suicide prevention center (Samaritans of Singapore) has also contacted me, and I'm glad for their response. :)