2 Days In A Row

[BoN-bOn]

Had my second appointment with the EMDR therapist yesterday. Things I hate about therapy already:
1. You only have an hour...do you talk about ALL the bad stuff the whole time & risk looking insane, or do you throw some good stuff in there too? I feel like she should know all of the good things about me before I start talking about the bad?
2. Spending the rest of the night over-analyzing everything that I said or didn't say, or everything that she said. This is really hard & uncomfortable.

Yesterday we started working on my "timeline," starting with my earliest memory & going through each stage of my life....we only got through half of it & it was awful seeing it all in writing on a white board..I couldn't even look at it or watch her write it. She wants me to come back today because she had an open slot. I feel like such a loser right now...like I'm desperate for sympathy or something & I'm not, but I'm not sure how she feels about everything that I talked about, which is not even the worst of it yet. I guess I just feel vulnerable & exposed & I don't like the feeling at all. She did say that I'm one of the nicest people she's met in a long time & it seems that "I'm the most sane one in the bunch (out of all the family members/ adult role models I had)." I feel sick knowing I have to go back in a few hours & talk about hard stuff & be uncomfortable. She is doing her best to make me feel comfortable, but I don't think there's anything anyone could do to make this easy. Does this part get easier??? I WANT to trust her, but I question myself about opening up the minute I leave!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Yesterday we started working on my "timeline," starting with my earliest memory & going through each stage of my life....we only got through half of it

It took me approx 10 sessions before we were both satisfied that that was all or most of it so don't rush. That could take a while.

it was awful seeing it all in writing on a white board..I couldn't even look at it or watch her write it

I don't blame you. I'd freak of I saw that. Any reason she is writing on a while board and not on notes in a chart?

Does this part get easier???

Yes and no. Trust got MUCH better with my therapist over time and today we speak almost as friends and not as much as clinical. But therapy always has its ups and downs. An hour never seems long enough but most of my work is done away from sessions as homework. My therapist only guides me.

 

[AlohaDreaming]

First, you aren't a looser. You're amazing. You're strong enough to go through this process to heal for yourself over the things that happened to you.

Just remember, you're in a safe place when you talk. Your Therapist is there for you, to support you. It feels alittle like having your guts all over the table when you first start, but it gets easier. I question myself every time I share with share with someone. Can I trust them? Will they use it again me? This is pretty normal for us with PTSD. Just breathe, Hun. You are so brave for doing this. So brave for wanting to be healthy again. So brave, to know that the pain isn't worth keeping, and the only way we can let it go, is by looking at it.

I know you don't know me, but I am so proud of you for doing this for yourself. You're going to look back one day and say 'Why was I scared?' You're scare of what you've been hiding, and the hurt you've been carrying, but just know, letting someone see it, and trusting them to help you, is the start of process.

Deep Breathes. And this too shall pass, as you heal from it. Big hugs. Big Big Hugs.

-Nine

 

[BoN-bOn]

@lostforgottensoul , I think she is just trying to get me comfortable with how I feel about all of it...once we get done, we are going to sit and look at it for a while. :meh:

 

[BoN-bOn]

First, you aren't a looser. You're amazing. You're strong enough to go through this process to...

Thank you so much for your encouraging words @NineFiftyFour ! :) :hug:
I think I might need to read them again while I'm sitting in the waiting room having a panic attack.

 

[AlohaDreaming]

Always. We all need a bit of sunshine on those cloudy days. <3

 

[lostforgottensoul]

once we get done, we are going to sit and look at it for a while.

Oh joy! Well, just remember that this is all for good. Always keep that in mind. That all of this is to help you!

I am sure that you have a ton of anxiety about this. My therapist and I toss a ball back and forth slowly when i get locked up, too anxious, or start to dissociate. It helps ground me, calm me as we are tossing it slowly, focus me and helps me think and/or think better or think when I was locked up in my mind usually. I do better much better in everything when focused. So not sure that would help others but it does me.

 

[AlohaDreaming]

How did it go today Bon?

 

[BoN-bOn]

How did it go today Bon?

It was okay...finished my "timeline." She did write it on paper this time because she thought it upset me a little to see it on the board. All of these years I've tried to minimize all the bad stuff. Seeing it in writing (adding up all of the years full of trauma & the number of traumatic events) is so overwhelming. I can't help but feel like I'm broken beyond repair, but I'm not giving up! Thanks for asking!

 

[AlohaDreaming]

It was okay...finished my "timeline." She did write it on paper this time because she thought it upset...

Not broken, in the processes of fixing yourself :) Change the language. ;)