3 Year Anniversary, Not Doing Well

[mytai]

Today is the 3 year anniversary of my miscarriage, which was caused by being sold for sex by someone I trusted. So it has flooded my head with the memories of how I got pregnant, the night I miscarried, the aftermath. Oh and to top it all of with a lovely freaking cherry I got my memory back about what happened to me during the two assaults at the end of December. Great. Mostly from the assaults, the second one is really foggy and muffled, but I'm just loving the fact that I can enjoy all the dirty details from assault number one.

Oh and my T doesn't know that today is the anniversary day because I haven't talked about when it happened, just that I miscarried. So I didn't get myself the support I needed before today. Now I have to wait until Friday.

I'm really low today. Bordering the level of low I was the night I overdosed less than a month ago. Can't cry, it's all building up like a volcano getting ready to erupt.

 

[TimeToHeal]

@mytai, I'm so sorry you're hurting right now - and so very sorry for all you have been through.

You made a big step though, just by posting this and reaching out for support and understanding!

Do you have a way of communicating with your therapist between sessions? I email my therapist - quite frequently at times. Or could you call first thing in the morning and see if there is any way they could get you in for an emergency appointment earlier than Friday? Friday is such a long way away - especially when you're so down. I know when I'm down and depressed time seems to crawl by every so slowly, making each miserable moment so much worse.

In the meantime, do you have someone you can talk to, even just on the phone, to distract your mind for a bit? Please take good care of yourself, especially right now. I know you're still having some issues stemming from your suicide attempt and I'd hate to see those worsen because you weren't taking proper care of yourself. (Easier said than done, I know).

Hang in there and post as much and as often as you need!

:hug: If you'll accept them!

 

[billie]

Can you ring a hotline? Please be safe

 

[SeanCharles]

I am going to echo these words too! Please do be safe and seek help sooner if you're able. I know therapy isn't always easy when you have information you withhold from your therapist for whatever reason. Being the three year anniversary of a traumatic situation is still too fresh and the wounds from said trauma are merely scabs. Hopefully you can seek help and work through this rough patch. I offer :hug: too if you are accepting.

 

[mytai]

@TimeToHeal, I can email my T in between sessions, or call. I just rely on it too much sometimes and I'm trying not to email her. I use it to avoid bringing things up in sessions with her.

There are numbers I can call to talk to someone, but I don't trust anyone aside from my T with the details of what is going on. I also don't want to email her and tell her how low I am in case she thinks that I might make another attempt. If therapy didn't cost so much I would ask for an additional appointment sooner. Thanks for the hugs.

@billie, I promise if I get suicidal to the extent I was at a few weeks ago I will call someone prior to making an attempt - and tell them about it.

@Geordie, looking back it would have been smart if I told her this past Friday that today was the anniversary... but the session was going well and we were talking about productive stuff so I just didn't. Big mistake on my part. Thanks for the hugs.

 

[SeanCharles]

@mytai, I can understand how it's easy to avoid the negative when having a positive discussion especially where productive stuff is concerned. Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up over this mistake. Being it was a mistake means that you have a chance to learn and grow and become stronger. :)

I hope you will keep us informed as to what happens in the coming week and again I will remind you to take care of yourself and do what you need to be safe until you can see your therapist. :hug:

 

[TimeToHeal]

I totally understand the feeling of relying on the email too much, but it sounds like this is one time that it really might be necessary. I would hate for you to suffer alone and needlessly because you were worried about relying on your therapist too much, and so you didn't reply on her when you needed her the most. (I hope that made sense)!

You could even make a point to reassure her that you aren't to the point of making another attempt, but are reaching out in the hopes that you won't get to that point. I would think that would show some growth - to recognize when you are nearing a crisis point and reaching out for help instead of isolating and sinking lower and lower. Just a thought.

I also think our therapists - the good ones at least - would WANT us to tell them when we are struggling and offer them the opportunity to help us through.

I'll be thinking of you and sending positive energy. :happy:

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I can't imagine what you're going through, in so many ways I'm glad I was so dissociated during the time of my abuse and after, I also had a miscarriage but I have no recollection to dates except it might have been spring/summer. I see so many of us here haunted by dates and I'm so relieved not to be, even if that does make everything more difficult to understand.

I think in this circumstance it might not be a bad thing talking to your T in an email first about this. That doesn't mean you won't talk about in a session just that you'll have protected yourself a little both from what's you're feeling right now (hopefully an ease up of the burden you're carrying) and from what it is you fear of sharing this in a session, hopefully allowing your Friday session to not be a repeat of today and to be more therapeutic.

 

[HelenB]

I am sorry to hear you are going through a really hard time at the moment. I do not really have a lot I can say at the moment, but wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and really hope you are able to find that safe space to let out all the emotions which do need to come out, knowing that there can be freedom and safety the other side. You are worth working through this, and can find freedom, and though it feels so hard when all the emotions are coming up, I have seen so much how courageous you are, and really do believe you can get through this and will find the freedom you deserve.

God Bless
Helen

 

[Ryn]

I'm so sorry for all this pain... you've really been through it. :( Sending gentle hugs and prayers. Hope you're doing okay. Stay safe.

 

[mytai]

Saw my T today while I was walking my dog. She drove past me and slowed down, honked, rolled down her window and waved at me. We live very close to each other, a few blocks away. I'm surprised she did that. It doesn't bother me that she did, I'm just surprised that she acknowledged me when she was driving. Just to clarify, I purposely walk in the opposite direction of her house because I want respect her private life.

I'm really struggling today. Wish I could talk to my T earlier than Friday, but her and I talked about not using email as much. So I'm going to make sure I don't this week even though I want to. I am hurting and missing and I feel like I just lost the baby all over again. I had vivid dreams about it last night.

And I'm hooked up to the heart monitor as of this morning.

 

[TimeToHeal]

I'm glad you've gotten the cardiac monitor.

I understand wanting to follow through with your previous discussions of not using email as much as you had been. But @mytai, if you can't use it when you are really struggling and near crisis, when CAN you use it?