5 Things I'm Thinking Today

[The Albatross]

1. My f'ing teeth hurt and I'm afraid of a crown from a new f'ing dentist that I don't have any prior experience with for specific reasons..... but I have to do it anyways.

2. I'm pissed because mister got me hoping for a week respite, though I tried to discount it because of MIL and BIL shit... and he's going home in November. f*ck him and no respite for me cuz my brother can't do it. Insincere ass wad... AND he wants me to buy a gift for the person he stays with to boot. F that he can buy a prepaid Visa.

3. I'm a quarter of an inch away from restarting either valium or anti depressants. I have a rash, and am starting to act out when passive aggressive mister or mom, or both are unhappy and try to f' my day or steal my peace. I just want to hide or go away for awhile.

4. Scary as f*ck knowing that you're looking at about 12 K in dental bills and your cap is $1500 a year. Lot of private pay and I heard myself tell a friend... I don't have anything to sell except the camp for very much and mister won't sell. Just a weird way to understand the depth and breadth of your stress. I don't "feel stuff" unless or until the truth comes out of my mouth when I'm talking with other people more often than not. Still.

5. Pain... pain... physical pain. Won't see new doctor til October and don't even know what to say when I do.

But hey... it's just a thing... keep moving... over, under around or through as best as you can or the whole thing will log jam. Log jams f*ck me up in a major way... feeds the helplessness beast in ways that are dangerous.

 

[whiteraven]

1. I can't believe she is gone.
2. I can't believe she is gone.
3. I am so sad.
4. I don't trust anyone.
5. I am completely alone.

 

[Ronin]

1) ZL. Dg can't tell me, never heard of it. :facepalm:
2) Said he miighta be able to swim. :facepalm::D
3) Not less shitty, me. On top of that 1. is driving chibi me's nuts and offices crap drive bonkers *me*.
4) Bunker at S +- 20mi just cos.
5) Bc camping and other Away = Good.

 

[Ronin]

1. Cha. Pilots leaked it, ga.
2. The rest later.
3. Blerhious. But Saint had '... we riot' and that TWD slash current ref was so bad Sainter threatened to sell him to slavery on the nearest pirate ship...
4. ... and if I, of all people, don't know something about that? ;)
5. So nawh. In case of anything, I ain't heard a thing. Just a parrot. We don't speak ship. ;)

 

[Tinyflame]

Got up, sick because of back pain. Got up again, can't rem if I took Tylenol, which I intended.. :confused: Should I possibly double dose or hope I did?

Talking with sis for an hour was hard. Hard to muster words when ? is, "What are you doing with your life?" on a sh*t day (internally) and haven't barely communicated. Reminded me tonight too that talking about (her) pain is entirely different than living/ experiencing it.

I recall past deaths that were peaceful, still felt like going through them and what was seen for someone you love left me feeling God is abusive. I don't believe that, but do rem that.

Thought about dad the other day hearing people complain, not understand burdens of others, of for one (& that was the least of things to describe), having a rare genetic form of glaucoma and going permanently blind within hours.

Thought of his relative with it, on a 'family tree' they described her somewhat (well, a lot) like me, same height, long curly brunette/ auburn hair, sweet with a temper, always had a rosary with her. Family blamed her for leaving H, said he died and if she had come back (too stubborn) he wouldn't have. Never mentioned what he was like though, why she left (not common in that day) or that she went blind and lived on her own (also not common). My sister said when she met her she was fantastic and sweet, and her cat had the cutest name.

I would cut the grass now if I could (must have taken the Tylenol?), but would be arrested/ middle of the night. :rolleyes: Would this be considered 'yesterday' or 'today'? I have errands to run today.

Sad to hear person's bro died, prayed for him a long time. Sad to hear woman I knew before died, I was the only one I know of who she told she had cancer.

I rem what feels good about apologies, they're not about who's right or wrong (even if they are to an extent or greatly), but about caring about other's feelings.

Don't know what to do. Knowledge of not wanting to hurt others' feeling,s and demands needed to be accomplished and, do I have my own feelings? Idk, having feelings was a luxury, & I don't feel others care about mine. Which I don't mean in a nasty way, just factually, which isn't a big deal because I don't know how to care about mine, but should logically be just a source of shame, confirmation and avoidance . 'Mental defeat' (& otherwise), as the article I read just stated- 'yes'.

Should get in my bed, was only on it last night. Fresh sheets. :inlove: . Maybe I didn't take the Tylenol? :sick: > Oops 10, Is x2 days, I guess. :rolleyes: :laugh:

 

[Ronin]

1. Don't think people dream in Marseille.
2. Possibly because some waves since drowned a man too many times.
3. And the other (hi)stories.

 

[The Albatross]

1. Once a man is drowned he's drowned... there's no such thing as "too many times... it's final.
2. Free speech is not for the faint of heart... it can be cruel and hard... but it's based.
3. Dark places are too familiar to scare me. I have had three friends now that are Satanic ritual abuse victims. It's an uneasy but an informed perspective to have.
4. No more father's voice... for now. He'll be back, he always is/was.
5. I want to drive til I can't anymore sometimes as long as it's outside of a major city.

 

[Survivor3]

1) Why don't I have Superpowers?

2) How come if I'm really intelligent , I don't have any friends or social life?

3) it's too hot in my room.

4) I'm overweight.

5) I'm a good person and deserve respect and kindness.

?

 

[Ronin]

1) I'm thinking the clearest I have for a goddamn long time
2) About time
3) Happy childhood memories - she wore a red skirt
4) This music is tripping me up
5) Something about bunnies eating boats

 

[RussellSue]

1. How long is it going to take these people to review my job applications?
2. Should I change out the insoles in these shoes?
3. I could look at silverware at the mall on my way out of town. (Because that's the thing I am obsessing on right now - flatware. Wahoo.)
4. Do I still have money in my purse?
5. I hope my sister is alright.

 

[Recovery4Me]

1. Prayers...are You listening?
2. Wings...may they flutter where you are.
3. Is my gratitude ever enough for so many blessings, which taste hallow as they slip away?
4. My adrenaline builds day after day: toxicity.
5. Living in this moment, a little more with... a little less.

 

[RVA21]

1. I can't believe she is gone.
2. I can't believe she is gone.
3. I am so sad.
4. I don't trust anyone.
5. I am completely alone.

I'm sorry for your loss.