C
confused_minded_girl
Well here goes....I have PTSD. It has taken me six months to actually say that out loud but after last weekends events I can finally say it and can actually say I think I am understanding it....a little at least. Although I feel it is actually getting worse instead of better and this is with intensive weekly therapy including medication, medical Dr., psychologist, psychiatrist, and a therapist.....so no lack of professional support.....I have looked at this site so many times but it has taken me this long to actually register and get the courage to tell my story. I am not sure why I am here except that I feel desperate for some understanding because no matter what designations these professionals have and no matter how much love my friends and family have for me NOBODY UNDERSTANDS WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME....so I am hoping, praying and just desperate for somebody to understand what I am going through. So hopefully you wont get bored because I am going to let it all out right here right now once and for all....and yes I am angry, and I am crying and yes I am feeling sorry for myself because I don't understand WHY THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME, all my life I have dedicated myself to helping others and this is what I get in the end at 43 years old? A brain that is so confused? A person who once could stand in front of hundreds of people and speak with no worries and without being nervous, who now cant even go to the grocery store unless its 7 am and I take an Ativan to ensure I don't end up curled up in a corner having an anxiety attack? Or that I don't get angry and agitated at the person in line in front of me or behind me or the poor teller?
So typical 70's child, molested from 5 to 7 years old, dealt with that and prided myself as a survivor. Married and had one child at 21 years old, divorced at 26 as he was physically abusive, jumped into another marriage that lasted 12 years....at the time of my second divorce he had a 4 year old child. Chalked it all up to experience and moved on as I am / was a strong person, a survivor, the girl who has always been there for all my friends, spent 30 days with my BF when her son committed suicide 7 years ago, did the eulogy, always the smiling one, always positive, always the one people trusted and came to with all of their problems....
I chose the career of a paramedic in 1996 and was great at it but in 2008 retired as I felt that it was time. 2010 after the second divorce was final and I was in a new relationship (still in this one, although he is a raging alcoholic, I am so great at picking dysfunctional men). I moved to the beautiful province of BC. Not so great when it comes to finding employment so after a year of trying to find a job I went and did my Level 3 First Aid and scored an amazing job with an amazing construction company...a two to three year project. Being a paramedic in the past for so many years I was well qualified and the job was great. I was happy, I loved going to work everyday. I worked a lot of hours....Six days a week, ten to twelve hours a day and I mean I worked these hours, I believe I took 5 days off in the summer when my current spouse crashed his bike and almost died (impaired) in the summer of 2012, but that was about it. I was the one they counted on, even at xmas time, I checked the site daily, did what needed to be done....over achiever, and the happy, smiling girl, the one everyone could trust and come too.
In March of this year that all changed. My GF needed a job. I found her a job. Two weeks later that job almost killed her. I had to take care of her. I cant quite say anymore right now as I feel sick and dizzy so I am going to jump from this point.
The accident happened on April 13/13. I did what needed to be done with her. And then I took care of the crew. I did all the right things for everyone. I called WCB, I assisted with the investigation. I arranged a debriefing, this all went on for over a month. I remember I started not sleeping much, I remember people saying I was changing and asking me what was wrong. I remember I felt grumpy and didn't want to talk about it. I knew something was wrong but didn't want to say anything....I am the strong one, I help people. Then it all changed in June, when a call came over the two way radio that a semi had rolled on the job site and they needed me to respond. I froze. I started shaking. I started to see her that day laying on the embankment. I don't remember much after that. I was able to respond....I still have no idea how I did, I think by the grace of God. The driver was fine, and I am so thankful because I don't know what I would have done. I knew at this point I was not right...this was on a Wednesday. I called my boss - head office is 6 hours away from our work location. He told me to just go hide until the next week and to relax I would be fine. Friday I emailed him. I had not slept since Tuesday night. He did not respond and would not return my calls. I don't remember anything until Monday morning. I remember making deals with myself to get to work....okay if you can just get down the driveway...now to the mailbox....now to the corner.....made it to work...called my boss again. He became irritated and said he would be there Wednesday to cover and basically to suck it up and that if I was getting "burned" out then he should hire someone to work 3 days a week and I could work the other 3. I said I was sorry but I honestly had something wrong. He once again told me to just go hide on site somewhere unless someone needed me.
Again I don't remember much until Tuesday morning around 11 am. I found myself beside the embankment where my GF rolled her piece of heavy equipment. I remember wondering if I drove my truck over it, would it end this craziness I had been feeling. I believe I had only slept maybe 10 hours since the previous Tuesday so was exhausted. Then I thought of my daughter and what it would do to her if I was to die. Then I started to cry, and cry, and cry, and cry, I couldn't stop. I didn't know what to do. I remember looking up and seeing a business card that I had stuck on my visor of my work truck from the WCB Officer, so I called him. I didn't know what else to do. I remember him putting me on the phone with his co worker at that point, then I remember him getting to me on site, then he brought me home. He sat with me for hours and let me cry, he called and helped me start a claim......he saved my life.
Since then I have become a shell of who I once was. I have night terrors that are so real....at first they were like I was looking down at them, now they are like I am actually in them. At first they were just of the actually April accident. Now they are of the accident and other accidents I responded to years ago as a paramedic. Sometimes after a bad night, I actually drink coffee so that I don't sleep because I don't want to dream, although I am getting better as I am learning that I am worse without sleep so sleep is important.
I also have flashbacks that are pretty intense. At first they were pretty short and just like the word...flashbacks, quick, and it would take a few minutes of deep breathing and shake my head and move on. Now they seem to be longer and I find myself actually reliving certain accidents that I have experienced but they are all confused.....like I see my GF from the April accident involved in accidents from years ago....so confusing although my Dr's say my brain is just putting all the fragments together????
I now have anxiety attacks that debilitate me to the point I cant drive or leave my house at certain times although I am learning to breathe through them and there is always Ativan when necessary. Sometimes I feel them coming on and sometimes I don't. I know that sirens, trigger me, and lack of sleep seems to bring them on. Other than that sometimes they just come on for no reason.....my brain is so screwed up I guess. Its hard though as I am just not the person I used to be and that is so hard for me to accept. I used to be so strong and so in control...now I feel so weak and out of control.
I also cant concentrate on more than one thing at a time. This to some is normal but not me and its very hard for me. I used to be such a great multi tasker and now I cant even hold a conversation and eat at the same time. And then I get angry and snap at whoever is there at the time. I say awful things and get angry and I don't mean it and feel awful afterwards.
I thought I was getting better. I was learning to live with my new "normal", loving my safe place, which is my home and my wonderful animals - I have two dogs and two cats who are truly my saving grace. Then I decided to fly to AB to see my daughter for a weekend.....worst thing but best thing in a way I could have done. I was a complete wreck. I was snappy, angry, I cried, I had major anxiety, we drove by an accident and I had the worst flashbacks I have ever had. My daughter was completely freaked out....it was absolutely horrible and all I wanted to do was come home. By the end my daughter thought I should be committed, thought I was crazy, neurotic, schitzo, bi polar, you name it she thought it. Thank goodness my mom knows all about PTSD and was able to help us through over the phone. By the time Monday rolled around and I got home I was emotionally exhausted and my daughter was as well. But she is now researching and is understanding that I have PTSD....these are her words????? Even suggested maybe not to take my cell phone with me when I have to do other things such as check into a hotel (this was an issue as my phone rang when I was checking in and I ended up having a panic attack at the desk...cant handle more than one thing at a time).
Me...well I learned a lot this weekend. As I started out in the beginning of this post....I have PTSD, and as much as that hurts and it sucks it is what it is. But its not my fault. I guess its my turn to seek help. I have spent my life helping others and I would do it all again. I don't know what my future holds, I am terrified of each and every day as I never know what to expect anymore. I am like this little girl in a great big scary world. I am confused and feel so alone. I don't know why I am on this board or telling my story. I just know I need people that are feeling the same because although I am fortunate to have support professionally and love of my family and friends, they don't get it because unless you have it I don't think you will ever get it.
So there you have it. Don't know what else to say and I am crying so hard now I think its time to quit for now. I hope I find some friends on here and I hope that I can help someone out there as well as get some help for myself. Sorry for being so wordy on here, I promise to never write so much again, lol. PTSD....IT SUCKS!!!!
So typical 70's child, molested from 5 to 7 years old, dealt with that and prided myself as a survivor. Married and had one child at 21 years old, divorced at 26 as he was physically abusive, jumped into another marriage that lasted 12 years....at the time of my second divorce he had a 4 year old child. Chalked it all up to experience and moved on as I am / was a strong person, a survivor, the girl who has always been there for all my friends, spent 30 days with my BF when her son committed suicide 7 years ago, did the eulogy, always the smiling one, always positive, always the one people trusted and came to with all of their problems....
I chose the career of a paramedic in 1996 and was great at it but in 2008 retired as I felt that it was time. 2010 after the second divorce was final and I was in a new relationship (still in this one, although he is a raging alcoholic, I am so great at picking dysfunctional men). I moved to the beautiful province of BC. Not so great when it comes to finding employment so after a year of trying to find a job I went and did my Level 3 First Aid and scored an amazing job with an amazing construction company...a two to three year project. Being a paramedic in the past for so many years I was well qualified and the job was great. I was happy, I loved going to work everyday. I worked a lot of hours....Six days a week, ten to twelve hours a day and I mean I worked these hours, I believe I took 5 days off in the summer when my current spouse crashed his bike and almost died (impaired) in the summer of 2012, but that was about it. I was the one they counted on, even at xmas time, I checked the site daily, did what needed to be done....over achiever, and the happy, smiling girl, the one everyone could trust and come too.
In March of this year that all changed. My GF needed a job. I found her a job. Two weeks later that job almost killed her. I had to take care of her. I cant quite say anymore right now as I feel sick and dizzy so I am going to jump from this point.
The accident happened on April 13/13. I did what needed to be done with her. And then I took care of the crew. I did all the right things for everyone. I called WCB, I assisted with the investigation. I arranged a debriefing, this all went on for over a month. I remember I started not sleeping much, I remember people saying I was changing and asking me what was wrong. I remember I felt grumpy and didn't want to talk about it. I knew something was wrong but didn't want to say anything....I am the strong one, I help people. Then it all changed in June, when a call came over the two way radio that a semi had rolled on the job site and they needed me to respond. I froze. I started shaking. I started to see her that day laying on the embankment. I don't remember much after that. I was able to respond....I still have no idea how I did, I think by the grace of God. The driver was fine, and I am so thankful because I don't know what I would have done. I knew at this point I was not right...this was on a Wednesday. I called my boss - head office is 6 hours away from our work location. He told me to just go hide until the next week and to relax I would be fine. Friday I emailed him. I had not slept since Tuesday night. He did not respond and would not return my calls. I don't remember anything until Monday morning. I remember making deals with myself to get to work....okay if you can just get down the driveway...now to the mailbox....now to the corner.....made it to work...called my boss again. He became irritated and said he would be there Wednesday to cover and basically to suck it up and that if I was getting "burned" out then he should hire someone to work 3 days a week and I could work the other 3. I said I was sorry but I honestly had something wrong. He once again told me to just go hide on site somewhere unless someone needed me.
Again I don't remember much until Tuesday morning around 11 am. I found myself beside the embankment where my GF rolled her piece of heavy equipment. I remember wondering if I drove my truck over it, would it end this craziness I had been feeling. I believe I had only slept maybe 10 hours since the previous Tuesday so was exhausted. Then I thought of my daughter and what it would do to her if I was to die. Then I started to cry, and cry, and cry, and cry, I couldn't stop. I didn't know what to do. I remember looking up and seeing a business card that I had stuck on my visor of my work truck from the WCB Officer, so I called him. I didn't know what else to do. I remember him putting me on the phone with his co worker at that point, then I remember him getting to me on site, then he brought me home. He sat with me for hours and let me cry, he called and helped me start a claim......he saved my life.
Since then I have become a shell of who I once was. I have night terrors that are so real....at first they were like I was looking down at them, now they are like I am actually in them. At first they were just of the actually April accident. Now they are of the accident and other accidents I responded to years ago as a paramedic. Sometimes after a bad night, I actually drink coffee so that I don't sleep because I don't want to dream, although I am getting better as I am learning that I am worse without sleep so sleep is important.
I also have flashbacks that are pretty intense. At first they were pretty short and just like the word...flashbacks, quick, and it would take a few minutes of deep breathing and shake my head and move on. Now they seem to be longer and I find myself actually reliving certain accidents that I have experienced but they are all confused.....like I see my GF from the April accident involved in accidents from years ago....so confusing although my Dr's say my brain is just putting all the fragments together????
I now have anxiety attacks that debilitate me to the point I cant drive or leave my house at certain times although I am learning to breathe through them and there is always Ativan when necessary. Sometimes I feel them coming on and sometimes I don't. I know that sirens, trigger me, and lack of sleep seems to bring them on. Other than that sometimes they just come on for no reason.....my brain is so screwed up I guess. Its hard though as I am just not the person I used to be and that is so hard for me to accept. I used to be so strong and so in control...now I feel so weak and out of control.
I also cant concentrate on more than one thing at a time. This to some is normal but not me and its very hard for me. I used to be such a great multi tasker and now I cant even hold a conversation and eat at the same time. And then I get angry and snap at whoever is there at the time. I say awful things and get angry and I don't mean it and feel awful afterwards.
I thought I was getting better. I was learning to live with my new "normal", loving my safe place, which is my home and my wonderful animals - I have two dogs and two cats who are truly my saving grace. Then I decided to fly to AB to see my daughter for a weekend.....worst thing but best thing in a way I could have done. I was a complete wreck. I was snappy, angry, I cried, I had major anxiety, we drove by an accident and I had the worst flashbacks I have ever had. My daughter was completely freaked out....it was absolutely horrible and all I wanted to do was come home. By the end my daughter thought I should be committed, thought I was crazy, neurotic, schitzo, bi polar, you name it she thought it. Thank goodness my mom knows all about PTSD and was able to help us through over the phone. By the time Monday rolled around and I got home I was emotionally exhausted and my daughter was as well. But she is now researching and is understanding that I have PTSD....these are her words????? Even suggested maybe not to take my cell phone with me when I have to do other things such as check into a hotel (this was an issue as my phone rang when I was checking in and I ended up having a panic attack at the desk...cant handle more than one thing at a time).
Me...well I learned a lot this weekend. As I started out in the beginning of this post....I have PTSD, and as much as that hurts and it sucks it is what it is. But its not my fault. I guess its my turn to seek help. I have spent my life helping others and I would do it all again. I don't know what my future holds, I am terrified of each and every day as I never know what to expect anymore. I am like this little girl in a great big scary world. I am confused and feel so alone. I don't know why I am on this board or telling my story. I just know I need people that are feeling the same because although I am fortunate to have support professionally and love of my family and friends, they don't get it because unless you have it I don't think you will ever get it.
So there you have it. Don't know what else to say and I am crying so hard now I think its time to quit for now. I hope I find some friends on here and I hope that I can help someone out there as well as get some help for myself. Sorry for being so wordy on here, I promise to never write so much again, lol. PTSD....IT SUCKS!!!!
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