A Bit of a Weird One

[Eliza]

Ok. So I'll start by saying I don't think I'm suicidal. I know I would never go through with it. I couldn't put my family and friends through that.

I wouldn't want my family and friends to go through the pain and guilt of me committing suicide, because I've known people who have done it, and it is hellish for the people left behind, all the questions, "Could I have done anything to stop it?" All the "what if"s. But an accident, or aneurysm, or something that was sudden, then although it would upset people - they wouldn't have the same lasting guilt. I find myself looking at cars going by and thinking, if that hit me and I died, that would be ok. I wouldn't want to walk out in front of one because again, that driver's life would be ruined. But if it was a drunk driver, or another terrorist attack and I died in it. It would be nice to not have all this pain anymore.

I also think about "last conversations". So for example - when I leave work, if I have a nice conversation when I leave, would people look back on that and think about it. Or if someone was rude, would they feel guilty if that was the last thing they ever said to me? I know that is a really selfish way of thinking. But they are just thoughts that pop into my head.

Or things like, what song would play at my funeral. Who would turn up? Would my workplace make a book of condolences? Would anyone actually care?

These thoughts - whilst intrusive and not overly nice. Thinking about people caring, and grieving stops me from doing anything stupid.

Does this make any sense?
Does anyone else have thoughts like these?

 

[Ronin]

It makes sense and I think is pretty common, or may be with depression, at any rate.

Thing is, those what ifs aren't reality. They're not what things would be like if you got injured or worse. They're telling a lot about your relational and other needs, in life, right now.. but not about death or close, much less the after.

 

[blackemerald1]

I reckon almost all of your post is indicative of a good mix of curiosity and depression. But I cannot decide how much of each.

if that hit me and I died, that would be ok.

^Yeah but that's accidents all over really. Not planned at all.

It would be nice to not have all this pain anymore.

^True being dead would render your life painless but also you would be lifeless. So not much gained from a rather substantial loss. It doesn't balance out imo.

would people look back on that and think about it.

^I've pondered my last conversations with a few people who subsequently died. None were really big philosophical discussions, angry or in any way eventful or memorable. I've had to think hard to remember the last time I saw some of them. I didn't regret anything much about what was said. I think that is romanticised just a little.

what song would play at my funeral. Who would turn up? Would my workplace make a book of condolences? Would anyone actually care?

^This is interesting. I ponder this. But more extreme. Like no funeral, no gathering at all, no gravestone - nothing. Sort of end of the world and I will be dead so who the hell cares anyway... ?? I try not to worry about who might miss me. I fear I might be disappointed lol. That's strange isn't it... worrying about being disappointed in advance of nobody missing me??? Ugh.. :rolleyes:

For songs - well I keep changing my mind lol...

Who gets to keep the condolence book and does it end up on a shelf gathering dust until someone completely unrelated and unconnected pulls it down and throws it out in the trash?

Does this make any sense?

Does anyone else have thoughts like these?

^Yeah. I think everyone thinks about their own mortality from time to time. I do at least. It's good you have no plans to cause your own death. It's really good you see the terrible pain you would cause your family. And yes there are a lot of people who suffer when a person close to them suicides.

Depending on your age - if you wanted to you could buy a pre-paid funeral. I know of a few people who've done that. Saved a lot of angst down the line.

 

[Survivor3]

Ok. So I'll start by saying I don't think I'm suicidal. I know I would never go through with it. I couldn't put my family and friends through that.

I wouldn't want my family and friends to go through the pain and guilt of me committing suicide, because I've known people who have done it, and it is hellish for the people left behind, all the questions, "Could I have done anything to stop it?" All the "what if"s. But an accident, or aneurysm, or something that was sudden, then although it would upset people - they wouldn't have the same lasting guilt. I find myself looking at cars going by and thinking, if that hit me and I died, that would be ok. I wouldn't want to walk out in front of one because again, that driver's life would be ruined. But if it was a drunk driver, or another terrorist attack and I died in it. It would be nice to not have all this pain anymore.

I also think about "last conversations". So for example - when I leave work, if I have a nice conversation when I leave, would people look back on that and think about it. Or if someone was rude, would they feel guilty if that was the last thing they ever said to me? I know that is a really selfish way of thinking. But they are just thoughts that pop into my head.

Or things like, what song would play at my funeral. Who would turn up? Would my workplace make a book of condolences? Would anyone actually care?

These thoughts - whilst intrusive and not overly nice. Thinking about people caring, and grieving stops me from doing anything stupid.

Does this make any sense?
Does anyone else have thoughts like these?

Hi @Eliza , yes it makes perfect sense. Sometimes when im out and about I get scared and fearful that I will quite literally through myself into on coming traffic. I've had suicidal thoughts for quite a few years but I get scared of what my family especially my mum would have to go through. She would be absolutely devastated.I dont have many friends but also I don't do it because I feel some people would be happy about it and I don't want to give them the satisfaction.

try to think about the positive things in life no matter how small. Like do you have a roof over your head (somewhere to live), do you have food, can you go out now and again and be social. It's the little things that count.

All the best to you and Thank you for sharing. S3

 

[Whirlwind]

Or if someone was rude, would they feel guilty if that was the last thing they ever said to me?

I'll hazard a guess ..... you say you aren't really feeling suicidal but ruminating over other people's potential reactions to your passing.

Are you potentially feeling dismissed, isolated? Are you angry with people or specific ones on some level?

For me, rumination means something needs to be addressed but it is usually hiding behind the "surface" thought. I was advised to journal just the emotions not the "story line" and also yoga as kind of a way to meditate.

Just my 0.2

Take care,

Whirlwid

 

[Mee]

Yes. I understand this is not unusual. It’s where I am ( not funeral planning or anything )

Not making the effort to live is a step further, then risk taking activities- not wearing a seatbelt, playing chicken in your way of crossing the road or how you drive. Watching where between ‘actively making efforts to take care of your self and engaging in forward planning , And ‘not putting your. Seat belt on’ or other reckless choices, is a useful gauge that l find more subtly useful than ‘suicidal ideation’ or ‘ok’. Keeping daily promises to my self , even things like tooth brushing; these aren’t just about not being depressed- they are about seeing a future for my teeth.

 

[ladee]

It's not weird. It is part of our 'normal'. I used to do this a lot. Especially the music part! I would hear something on the radio and think, 'hmm, I will add that to my funeral list'.

I always ended up knowing I could not leave the people behind to tend to things I feared. So, if nothing else I would simply 'postpone' it.

I am at the age where I have the common-sense need to have a pre-paid end of life. Don't want my stepson to have to do anything but sign a paper.

Today when those things start going thru my mind, I know to stop and see what led my mind there in the first place. But back then, those thoughts were the only way I knew to give my brain, heart and soul a break from what all was going on.

And I do wonder, how many people have these same thoughts, that do not have PTSD.

 

[blackemerald1]

But how many songs can you really expect people to listen through....?? Amazing problem isn't it? :sorry: lol..

 

[ladee]

@blackemerald1 , :laugh: the list was loooooong! Guess I was thinking too of the 'after-party'.

 

[Eliza]

Not making the effort to live is a step further, then risk taking activities- not wearing a seatbelt, playing chicken in your way of crossing the road or how you drive. Watching where between ‘actively making efforts to take care of your self and engaging in forward planning , And ‘not putting your. Seat belt on’ or other reckless choices, is a useful gauge that l find more subtly useful than ‘suicidal ideation’ or ‘ok’.

It's weird with me, as I switch between being extremely over cautious and avoiding things because I feel like everything has the potential to kill me. And then not caring if I died. Like, I'm so terrified that I might get hit by a car or die in a crash because that happens to people every day. But at the same time, I sort of want it to happen. I don't know - they're just weird ruminations. But they do make me feel uncomfortable because I'm scared that one day I'll just decide to step out in front of a bus or something and end it. It scares me how easy it would be to do on the spur of the moment.

But how many songs can you really expect people to listen through....?? Amazing problem isn't it? :sorry: lol..

I keep changing my mind! It used to be T-Rex - Ride a White Swan. Then it became Fleetwood Mac - Songbird. Then Kinks - Waterloo Sunset.
Currently on Proclaimers - 500 Miles, because I love the idea that people can't hear that song without smiling and tapping their feet, so even at a funeral people would be sort of enjoying themselves. ? This is something that doesn't bother me so much, because I know everybody does it.

 

[Mee]

I think the urges are something to raise further with your therapist personally. for me they are warning signs of overwhelm, too many unaddressed or unresolved stressors.

Regarding funerals, the control freak in me wants nothing. Nothing at all. Nomusic, no funeral - nothing. It’s not for me. It would be for dh so if he chooses to do differently it’s his choice. We have both discussed funeral plans etc and did this pre marriage. I really think everyone should consider this far earlier; maybe on reaching majority. It’s such a big avoidance issue yet something we all have coming. Again- control freak me feels- at least that’s been addressed.

 

[Justmehere]

What you are describing could fall under passive suicidal thinking.

The Definition of Passive Suicidal Ideation Passive suicidal ideation is explained online as a wish to die during sleep or being killed by an accident.
The Sad Truth About Passive Suicidal Ideation and Actions - Thrive Global

Another article discussing these types of passive suicidal thoughts and how to evaluate them: When Should You Worry About Suicidal Thoughts?

One article from The Mighty: 17 Things People Don't Realize You're Doing Because You're Passively Suicidal

The definition used in a medical journal:

SI could be broken down into two forms: passive and active. Passive SI implies a desire to die, but without a specific plan to carry out death. Active SI implies an existing desire to die accompanied by a plan for how to carry out death [6]. When a depressed patient declares a passive SI, the active SI is invariably present. Although passive SI can leave time for interventions, the passive SI can suddenly become active. SI, active or passive, contains a dynamic mix of ambivalent thoughts and feelings along a continuum of gravity. This may reflect a continuous change in the patient’s depression [7]. Dead Link Removed

It is weird and common to be ambivalent about it.

It's weird with me, as I switch between being extremely over-cautious and avoiding things because I feel like everything has the potential to kill me. And then not caring if I died. Like, I'm so terrified that I might get hit by a car or die in a crash because that happens to people every day. But at the same time, I sort of want it to happen. I don't know - they're just weird ruminations. But they do make me feel uncomfortable because I'm scared that one day I'll just decide to step out in front of a bus or something and end it. It scares me how easy it would be to do on the spur of the moment.

What you describe can happen with active or passive suicidal thinking. It's common to be really careful and get so desperate for an escape from the pain, that walking in front of a bus seems like a good idea.

The fact that you are uncomfortable with your thoughts is a good thing. Part of recovering from PTSD can be figuring out which thoughts are accurate and which are distorted thoughts. Ruminating on them? Probably part of a way you are trying to cope by imagining a quick way out. It's a maladaptive way to cope, but still a way people can try to manage. I hope you keep talking about it and working it through.