hi all. I had a meeting today and was attacked, first 1 on 1 on the phone by another agent, and she was not even right! This woman has crossed the line before and i notice she now feels safe crossing it. So today she called me out TWICE in public unfairly! my issue is (now i know) my brain freezes in that moement of abuse, especially the left side (verbal) so i dont defend my self (hence bullies love me). I left the meeting, got home, and FINALLY i was able to think straight and realized she had been in th wrong. Sent her a text asking her not to do that again. Still kind of in shock. Trying to regain balance.
But the novelty is now I understand what happenned. You see EVERYWHERE i go i havebeen bullied and i never unsderstood why. After reading abt PSTD and understanding the brain breezes, and after today´s meeting i analyzed exactly what happens. Bully attacks, i am left frozen out of cognitive resources and mute, so bully will of course attack again. Bullies have a field day wth me (also i like to look good and dress well, so women are usually jaleous, so i am targeted often - and when they see i cant respond, thats when they have a field day). Thats it! It nothing wrong with the way i act, look, present myself. Where it goes wrong is when i cant defend myself right then and there. So, good news, I have my challenge clear. STOP the brain frezze in attacks.
Also I noticed the toll it took on me. Getting home and realizing i had been mistreated sent me in a panic attack, double when acknowledging to myself i had been unable to react. Ths spiral turned into obsessive thoughts. Its weird because its almost like i am observing all my reactions instead of just living them, as opposed to before knowing about ptsd. So what i see is how in the past this was so problematic, because a stupid incident like this will put me in turmoil for a whole day, stuck in panic and obsessive thoughts. No wonder i am unable to work in an office. This explains so much! these incidents send me straight to trauma. And retraumatize me all over! thats why people who are not traumatized just brush it off and dont understand!
Oh lord...thank god im seeing my therapist today, first time, i hope she is good. I have a long road ahead.
But the novelty is now I understand what happenned. You see EVERYWHERE i go i havebeen bullied and i never unsderstood why. After reading abt PSTD and understanding the brain breezes, and after today´s meeting i analyzed exactly what happens. Bully attacks, i am left frozen out of cognitive resources and mute, so bully will of course attack again. Bullies have a field day wth me (also i like to look good and dress well, so women are usually jaleous, so i am targeted often - and when they see i cant respond, thats when they have a field day). Thats it! It nothing wrong with the way i act, look, present myself. Where it goes wrong is when i cant defend myself right then and there. So, good news, I have my challenge clear. STOP the brain frezze in attacks.
Also I noticed the toll it took on me. Getting home and realizing i had been mistreated sent me in a panic attack, double when acknowledging to myself i had been unable to react. Ths spiral turned into obsessive thoughts. Its weird because its almost like i am observing all my reactions instead of just living them, as opposed to before knowing about ptsd. So what i see is how in the past this was so problematic, because a stupid incident like this will put me in turmoil for a whole day, stuck in panic and obsessive thoughts. No wonder i am unable to work in an office. This explains so much! these incidents send me straight to trauma. And retraumatize me all over! thats why people who are not traumatized just brush it off and dont understand!
Oh lord...thank god im seeing my therapist today, first time, i hope she is good. I have a long road ahead.
