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A Dark Closet In My Head

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Sally sue

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So here's a weird one :) I think most of my life I have had a dark door in my brain, when I close my eyes I can see it there (always in the same place on the right), it's where I put all the stuff I can't face or handle. I'm very afraid to open it and at other times I'm curious about what is in there. All I really know is that "pain" is inside. My T suspects that that's where Ive been putting traumas ever since I was young.

In my work with T she often sends me home to sketch one thing or another. Last week she asked me to sketch what it would look like if I was whole...the stupid sketch came out as the scary door with me crying covering my face in front of it, and angry eyes and hand trying to grab me argh! Over and over this door comes out in my sketches....

Anybody have anything similar or a guess on what it means?! It's making me crazy ahhhhh!
 
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My T explained that there is a part of the brain situated on the rear right hand lobe. This he explained is the part of the human brain that stores all of our memories be they good or bad.

This again he explained is where all the trauma memories are stored and the part of the brain that 'they' Psychotherapists need to be able to get us to 'Unlock'

My scary door 'Nursery aged 2-3 yrs' is located in that exact spot. That is also the spot on the back of my head that my eldest brother would always hit me when he was abusing me 'physically'

:hug:

I know too well exactly what you are saying. When I got my ;head' around what John 'My T' had explained to me it became easier to deal with.

:)

Laurie
 
I've always experienced my consciousness as being like a deep, deep lake. I'm aware of what's on the surface, and I can reach down a little way and access what's just beneath. Also, some of those things will come up to the surface of their own accord. But deeper down in the dark are all sorts of strange and unknown things, and that's where my traumas lay/lie.

I use a lot of symbolism and imagery - and art therapy. For me, it's really helpful to have an image for things. I don't find this weird at all. I'm not sure if you're saying it drives you crazy that you have this strange concept, or because it keeps coming up, or because you hate the idea of this door/closet being within you....?
 
Thank you both for your responses! Hashi I think it's all of those reasons :) but I also think I'm very frightened of what's behind the door, and sometimes frustrated that I don't know if it's real or not...I can see it. I can put things in it. I draw it without intending to (thats a little concerning and weird). But I can't open it and know what's inside. Does that make sense?
 
That makes perfect sense. With a good T you will gradually gwt to the safe place and hopefully be able yo open that door. I opened my door last May, not an easy step.
 
But I can't open it and know what's inside. Does that make sense?

It makes sense in two ways. I understand your explanation. It also makes sense to me that your mind is keeping the door locked. It's protecting you until you're ready - ready for it to be real as much as ready to know what it is. I see this as a good thing. Frustrating and scary, yes, but wouldn't it be worse if those things were loose right now?

My suggestion would be to try to make friends with your subconscious. Work with it. Be on the same side. You're already connecting by drawing from the subconscious. In my world that's such a normal idea I can't even see it as weird, only helpful. The subconscious doesn't only hold the darkness of the past, it also holds healing wisdom. You can access that as well.

I can't help wondering if this keeps coming up for you because although you're "hearing" what the subconscious is saying, you don't really want to? As in, you wish it wasn't this way. You wish you didn't carry this image and what it means. But you do carry those locked in things, whether you're aware of it or not. So to be given the image and the meaning is - I think - actually a gift. The first step in healing what's behind the door is knowing that it's there.

Maybe if you can engage with it a bit more, it will stop needing to bring itself to your attention?

You know, you can draw back to your subconscious if you want to. You can draw how you'd like the situation to be. Send that message back and that will ask your subconscious to guide you in that direction. I definitely would not suggest drawing the door open - that sounds far too risky and I would hope your subconscious would reject that message if you tried it. You need to take it one step at a time. What I'd suggest is that you could draw "being more ready" in some way.

For example, at one point in trauma therapy I was feeling frozen in fear. I felt powerless and overwhelmed by it. So I made a collage of an icy landscape and I put in a smiling female bodybuilder (representing me) in a strong pose flexing her muscles. Next to her I added symbols of strength and protection. I kept the picture out where I would see it often and even took it to therapy a couple of times to help me talk It's like an affirmation, but a visual affirmation - which is very powerful because the subconscious "thinks" in symbols.

Welcome to my world! I expect I'm making you feel much less weird. ;)
 
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Oh my gosh Hashi, you not only made me laugh, but also gave me so much to think about! We're you always this wise?! Does your art always help/support your healing? Sometimes my art is very dark and it creeps people out :( ...not my T, she always seems to understand, even though she's says she can't draw ha she has an artists heart.

I come from an artist family, but I can't talk to them about these things...they would never understand, and at the same time they would probably know that they caused much of it. :( Have you always been an artist? Sometimes I can't control what comes out in my art, does that happen to you?

Can you tell how excited I am to be able to ask these questions? But, if it's too much, I will understand...you're on your own journey. Thank you soo much for your feedback, it means so much to me! And yes I feel less weird :roflmao:

Hugs :hug: (I'm not sure why, but people on this site often put "if that's okay" after hugs, so ditto!)
 
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Does your art always help/support your healing?

Yes, I can't even say how much. Incredibly.

Art is my higher power. When I first told my therapist that, she misunderstood and said, yes art absolutely connects us to a higher power. I had to say, you've misunderstood - art is my higher power.

It's a major way that I express things, understand things, endure things, change things and work towards things. Seeing other people's art connects me to beauty and hope.

Outside trauma work, doing decorative art is very soothing for me. Also, going to see art with a friend is one of the few threads that have kept me from withdrawing completely from the world. I'm extremely lucky to have a "gallery-going friend" - our thing is going to see art together and talking about it.

Have you always been an artist?

I wish I was an artist! I've done a foundation course (one year preparation for a university course) and I still can't draw. But I really love collage. I also do mixed media and printmaking and I want to start doing some abstract art.

Sometimes I can't control what comes out in my art, does that happen to you?

I follow the guidance (hunches or feelings) that I get when doing collage, and the result can be really different from my first idea - sometimes the opposite.

For example when I was doing a collage about being entangled with someone else who was also traumatised by the same people, my intention was to make it about the entanglement. Somehow it became all about him and his trauma. I was using a horse to represent him (I use a lot of animal symbolism) and as I flicked through all my pictures of lovely, healthy horses, I fixed on one that was dead. Great. It got even better when the deadness was apparently not enough and I felt inspired to add horrible wounds. I had no idea when I started that this was going to be anything but a normal horse as part of an overall image. When I'd finished, the whole image was about his injury.

It works the other way too, though. At one point when I was working in therapy on something bad, I made a collage about how broken I felt. That collage kept coming out differently. I'd amended the figure in it (representing me) so their arm was smashing into pieces. Somehow, it looked like those pieces were coming back together instead of flying apart. I had an animal head (love using animals to represent aspects of people) with it's mouth wide open swallowing a cockroach - this represented my degradation. Whatever I did, it looked like that cockroach was being regurgitated and spat out. It was the first comment my therapist made. The second was that it looked like my arm was coming back together and healing. Wow.

Sadly, I'm not an artist. But using art for healing - definitely.

Sometimes my art is very dark and it creeps people out

Some of my art creeps me out! All my trauma/healing art has to be in one of two sketchbooks - one small and one large. Not on loose pieces of paper. This is part of the containment for me. I seriously need to be able to close the sketchbook, and I also then put it in a zip case and padlock the zip closed.

My first therapist didn't do art therapy as such, but was more than happy to talk about what I brought and it was helpful. There were times I caught her initial gasp as I showed her what I'd done.

My second therapist was actually an art historian before she became a psychotherapist. She had then trained in art therapy together with other things. Which was wonderful. But I was still very happy with how my first, non-art-therapist could engage with what I'd done.

my T, she always seems to understand, even though she's says she can't draw ha she has an artists heart

LOVE this. I'm liking your therapist a lot. :)

Thank you soo much for your feedback, it means so much to me!

It means a lot to me that you haven't run away never to be seen in this thread again after I posted!

How about you, Sally sue? Would you like to share anything about how you feel about art and how it helps? I'd love to know. I think art can be so healing.

Does other people's art help or inspire you?
 
:)) I just gotta print out your post!!!

"and I still can't draw. But I really love collage. I also do mixed media and printmaking and I want to start doing some abstract art."

:) I think these still count as "you're an artist!" ;) I've used many mediums for my art throughout my life, but I tend to go back to pencil and paper. I often try to add color but it just makes it "wrong." I also enjoy crafts and making something out of nothing...I'm a teacher.

"Some of my art creeps me out! All my trauma/healing art has to be in one of two sketchbooks - one small and one large. Not on loose pieces of paper. This is part of the containment for me. I seriously need to be able to close the sketchbook, and I also then put it in a zip case and padlock the zip closed."

You made me laugh! Why do you keep your sketch book locked up so tight? Is it because your afraid others will see and judge you? Or because what's in there would hurt others and then hurt you? I'm afraid of both of these.

"It means a lot to me that you haven't run away never to be seen in this thread again after I posted!"

Your posts are totally making my day! Whoo-hoo!!

"How about you, Sally sue? Would you like to share anything about how you feel about art and how it helps? I'd love to know. I think art can be so healing."

Some time back, I started working with a book called "recovering your inner child" and it has you work with your non-dominant hand to do the sketching and to have a conversation with the other side of your brain. It's been fascinating!!! One, what I draw from my left hand shocks me...I mean, who even knew I could draw so well with my non-dominant hand?! And I draw and talk in a completely different voice! I have NEVER been able to express my feelings (especially since I was trained from a young age not to have any HA) or really even name them, and now all I have to do when I want to know how I'm feeling is write and/or sketch with my left. If you've never tried it, it's fascinating! My T explained that my emotions often come without words to define them, but I have all the feelings and the sensations, but because they have no language it's hard to deal with them. Some of my most intense trauma work has shown up from the overwhelming obsession to draw something or another no matter how gruesome with my left. I guess I'm just trying to express myself the only way I know how. :wtf:

I recently finished a children's chapter book I wrote, and decided I needed to do full illustrations so the young children could not only read the story, but feel the story. I was coming to the end of all the sketches, and I started hating the book and when ever I drew this one character I'd get a stomach and want to set the pages on fire. :devilish: I took it to my T and she looked long at it and said "this grandma looks anything BUT benevolent!" (the grandma was suppose to be loving and kind) As she had me look at it, I realized it was my real grandma who was ha anything but benevolent. :) I went home quickly and erased her face and put a Ms. Keebler grandma in there hahahaha (elf mom who's boys make cookies).

I guess for me, my art let's me express myself, BUT I have to be very careful since if someone else judges my art "good" or "bad" they seem to be judging me personally at the same time (my T has helped me understand this and how important caution is. :)

I actually did a comic strip about what it's like to have PTSD, and I think it's amazingly funny, BUT soooo true at the same time! If I can figure out how to post it on this site, I would like to. :)

I've actually thought about becoming an art therapist because I think this kind of work is so important.

Oh ya, I like to crochet goofy animals and blankets, like the monkey ha and sprout little seeds and plants! There are soooo many ways to express the artist in us, which is quite a blessing!

I'm envious that you have a friend to go art galerying with ha I don't really have that :sorry: my art can intimidate people because they say they can't do any, and mine is so good, but I think everyone has a little artist in them.

"Does other people's art help or inspire you?"

Yes, sometimes, but I don't get much of a chance to share art with others...although, one of my students has written a novel and we are going together to present them at a woman's book writing group, so that might be interesting :alien: (these happy faces are funny. :) I also am so compelled to keep looking at the art you have in your window! The flowers are very beautiful, did you do them? It's stitching, isn't it?

What trips you up in your trauma work when you can express yourself so well with your collage? Sometimes, I just can't face what my art is saying...or even be able to interpret it ha thank goodness for my T!

:) I love chatting with you!!
 
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