General A Different Slant On Mourning The Loss

[amethist]

My husband is struggling right now, and to be honest so am I. He is struggling in coming to terms with what he has lost in his life, hence the different slant on mourning the loss.

I have made numerous suggestions of what he can still do and what he could start doing, but he just says "Oh right, yea maybe I could do that" and then nothing, no further action, all I get is "Maybe later, when the weather if better", half of it is indoor stuff, things we can work on together, but a total lack of interest is all I get.

I was wondering if any other carers are having to deal with there sufferer feeling like this. It has been mentioned in a post recently about carers having to go through this, I had to myself a while back.

He has gone into "Sit on his butt all day" mode, has no motivation to anything, unless pushed into it. He knows he should, but says he is quite happy sitting listening to the radio all day, everyday. Blaming why he feels like this on PTSD, he is letting it rule him, not the other way round.

I can see he it is not doing him any good, both mentally and physically, but am now at a loss what to do. I know it is up to him to get going, it is up to him to take responsibility for himself, but to be honest I cannot sit back and just leave him to it. OK it is what I want to do, but I can't give up.

He talks treats me as he always did, does not disrespect me in any way, but he cannot see any way forward right now. He is being his own worst enemy right now and nothing is shifting him. He chats away as if nothing is wrong, is cheerful when we are joking about a quiz on the radio, but as soon as I suggest something, or ask for help, nothing, always an excuse for not doing what ever it is. As soon as he has done something no matter how small, he is sat back in his usual place again.

He has a slight cold and is now blaming it on going to the doctors last week, but if he took more care of himself he would be OK with it.

Right now he is sat in the kitchen coughing and spluttering, complaining he does not feel well. if he got up and did more it would not be such an issue, the old joke about "Man Flu" comes to mind.

He has asked questions and I have explained it to him until I am blue in the face, and all I am getting just now from him is "Do you think so", no dear I don't think so at all "I know so"

Any ideas would be helpful. or a place to stay for a while would be much appreciated, by the sea would be so nice right now, for me not him. As if that would make a difference, but I can dream.

Amethist

 

[lovinbiker]

Hi Amethist,

I have very little experience as you know, so im as such prob not the best to give any advice. What type of things are you suggesting, something for the both of you to do, something fun?

If the answer to that is yes then I would maybe do it without him, maybe he will change attitude towards it if he sees how much fun you had. I will say that man flu can be very bad at times...lmao. He will eventually see your right in time as all men know women know best :).

I know what you need a BIKE always worked for me.

Hope someone can give you some good advise.

Take care

LB

 

[lonetree]

Hi amethist,

It sounds like hubby is in depression mode. Getting him to do something that can build up his own confidence would help but getting the mossy stone rolling is hard. I like Lovinbikers idea of you doing something for yourself to lift your spirits. It could spark him to get moving. I may do you good either way. Is there anything hubby used to do that he took particular pride in that he is still capable of doing? This may be a good start. Something small just to give him a boost.

I speak from experience. There are days I have just had it and want to be a vegetable with no stress or feelings. Its usually when I feel overwhelmed. What usually pulls me out is accomplishing something that I've let lag for some time. Falling behind on things gets to me so when I get even some little thing done it gets me moving again.

Best of luck!

 

[Jawn]

Hey Amethist,

I have lots of extra room if you want to come to the West coast of the USA! LOL!

I think I would try to lead by example if you can. Go do more stuff for yourself and maybe hubby will see that you are doing things and having fun which hopefully will get him up and moving too. I like the ideas given to where you do something that he used to do and maybe he will decide to join you.

Also, does he need to get his med's evaluated? Maybe he needs something different to give him a chemical kick in the hiney.

If nothing else, getting out and doing more stuff for yourself will boost your spirits and maybe help you think of something motivational for your hubby. Or at least think of something to put in your next brew of magic potions to help him.

Hang in there,

Jawn

 

[amethist]

Thanks guy's.

I do a lot more for myself than I ever did, I have just finished on a completely different kind of web site I help to run. I also run a discussion night every Thursday on there, so they are sorting some alternative things out for me to help in that way.

I have gone shopping semi dressed up, as in not usual jeans and sweat shirt, all that did was upset him because he could not go out. He wants shut of his big bike as soon as possible, but I have told him to wait until spring, as he will get what he is asking for it, but a lot less if he sold it now. I have suggested we get him a non runner to do up and sell on, but was met with "Well maybe, it might help", or "Not until we move and have more space". I am trying to get him interested in decorating he kitchen with me, as it does need doing, but so does the bathroom and stair way. But keep being met with excuses why not to do it.

Even today when I was upstairs changing the bedding and asked him to wash up while I did that, he sat back down straight away. He saw the bedding at the bottom of the stairs and when I asked why he had not put it in the washer, his reason was that he was waiting for me to shout and ask him to, in case there was anything else to go in. That got me, I always do that and never put anything else in with it, so no idea with that one.

When I do get him to go out anywhere with me, he enjoys it and tells me. It is only a few weeks ago we went to the west coast, and he loved it, said he wanted to go again.

As for the med's Jawn, we tried that a while back, we were told the ones he is taking are the best, they would not listen to me when I suggested maybe not the best for him.

He is finding it hard right now coming to terms with what he cannot do, but trying to get him to see what he still can do is a nightmare.

I really am at a loss right now. It is a good job I do have a lot of different interests of my own, or I would be as bad as him right now.

 

[Jawn]

Amethist, you mentioned getting him a bike to fix up. Could it be something even simpler, like a bicycle? Maybe get him to fix up a couple of old ones that get donated to a kids charity or something? And eventually work him up to the motorbike. Just a thought.

My wife's primary care doctor also thought he had her on the best med's too, but her shrink thinks differently. The shrink thinks she needs different ones because she is having too many side effects from the current ones. Although, when the "moving out" thing happened she put changing med's on hold and actually increased my wife's dosage of the current meds to get her through the tough transition. I think the plan now is to start adjusting the med's around the 1st of the year. Wean her off the current ones and start her on the other one. Supposed to be therapeutically equivalent, but with out the side effects. I guess that is a long winded way of saying "try again with the doctors and the med's". :smile:

Hang in there,

Jawn

 

[amethist]

Thanks for the suggestion about the bikes Jawn'

That was a project he did have early last year. We had 2 oldish mountain bike he was going to strip down and build back up replacing part that were needed. Unfortunately they were stolen within a few hours of getting them out of storage, chained up together to a pipe in our back garden. Not openly visible, and we did have good idea which type of person stole them, along with another older bike and a 10ft towing bar that was under our back hedge, over grown by it. Our insurance company replaced the 2 good one's, so we do have 2 stunning new mountain bikes.

This morning he is in a better mood, and has decided that maybe his medication is the problem. Making him feel tired and sluggish, so has reduced them by 0.5mg himself, as was done last April. That time it stopped the fuzzy stuffed head feeling, so he is thinking this may help too.

The reason his want to sell the big touring motorbike, is because he knows he will never ride it again, to heavy and powerful for him now, but still occasionally ride his 125, so not lost all his confidence with biking.

He was more enthusiastic about decorating this morning, agreeing to me buying some packing boxes, (hard to get empty ones from shops these days). So while I am out this morning I am going to pick some up, they will come in handy when we move anyway, so they will not be wasted. I am going to run with this, keep him interested, while it is an idea to get him involved in something.

Thanks for the ideas and suggestions, even a long term carer still has problems crop up, the roller coaster keeps changing LOL.

Amethist

 

[Tessa]

Amethist,

Thankyou for being a carer. It can be the toughest job. Hope you can find some care for you.

Sending a big hug : ) and a bunch of flowers.

 

[lovinbiker]

Hi Amethist,

On a purely practical note your most right on now is a really bad time to sell a bike, I hope altering his meds helps his mood.

Glad he not given up on the bikes totally, as they can be a good way to relax and not always by riding them just cleaning and polishing them. That might just be me though lol.

Have another hug and take care

 

[Jawn]

I'm glad to hear he's having a better day and yeah, run with it while you can. Hopefully the med change will help him too.

Hugs to you,

Jawn

 

[amethist]

I actually feel a bit sorry for him this evening. He is brighter less tired, but has a streaming cold. He has just had some soup, and now wants some lemon cake I just made, so his appetite is doing better LOL.

You win some, you loose some. At least he is in a better frame of mind today, which is all I am asking right now.

Hugs back to you all. Thanks for the flowers Tessa, pink roses my favourite.

 

[cherryblossom]

Hey Amethist

Come to Bristol!! I need a few days notice though, to clear out my spare room! I could actually make use of a doberman right now, to scare away the bullies!!

On a more serious note, I can hear your frustration about your hubby's apathy. You do such a great job as a carer, as do all carers. As a sufferer, I would love to have a 'carer'. Yes I have plenty of people who care about me, and my family 'would' look after me, if push came to shove. They would bail me out financially, if I was desperate.

But..... and here it is, I honestly think that if I had a carer I would become 'lazy'. I say lazy, although I'm not 100% sure that is the right word. I have a big job, keeping my house house neat, tidy, and stocked with food. But I do it (not brilliantly), because if I didn't do it, there is no-ne else here to do it. I'm currently off sick from work, and my employers are on my back big time - I have to sort that out, because no-one else can sort it out for me. No-one else can pay my mortgage, so I have to work out a way to get back to paid employment. When my boiler breaks down, or my car has a puncture - I have to sort it out, no-one else. This has kept me strong, and keeps me fighting. If there was always someone else around to pick up the pieces, then I wouldn't have to, or bother to, do it myself.

I guess what I'm saying is, the fact that you are there, as a carer, gives a sufferer an excuse not to do things for themselves. I don't think I'd go so far as to say you are enabling him, but sometimes there is a fine line between enabling and supporting. You used examples of washing up and changing bedding. Maybe washing up should always be Stu's task. Every day. Also if you didn't change the bedding would he think to do it?.....

Just some thoughts for you.

I don't know if I'd be saying the same thing to a male caring for a female. And I also think that maybe PTSD is being used as an excuse not to do anything.