A lack of friends is a 'red flag', apparently?

[RVA21]

I wasn't sure where to put this so if it's wrong please move it, thanks

So on another site I'm a member of, someone said that people who have little or no friends is a red flag?

I tried not to let it get to me and I'm sure the person who said it did not mean it to hurt me or anyone else in my position. But it's gotten to me.

I continue to shut the world out for the most part due to fear of people. Fear of being harmed again, stolen from, lied to, betrayed.

My ex was the opposite, life and soul of the party, very popular and yet, abusive to me behind closed doors.

I don't know, I guess I wondered if this is a popular view, that loners like me are seen as a 'red flag'?

If it is, all it makes me want to do is never try to make friends ever again and shut the whole world out until I eventually die.

 

[siniang]

Red flag for what?

Introverts exist. I agree that unfortunately it's seen as atypical by the societal norm. Doesn't mean it's not a perfectly normal thing. Now throw mental health conditions in the mix.... I personally am cautious towards people who cannot for the life of them enjoy some alone time and estimate their happiness by the sheer number of "friends" they have.

You do you. Don't let anyone else dictate how to live your life. :hug:

 

[RVA21]

A red flag if they're looking for a potential new partner. But I think it could've meant in general too.

I know, I just worry this is how most people see people like me. That we are somehow dangerous or weird or worth a watch because we are loners. If it is though, I don't understand how they expect us to make friends if they won't give us a chance?

Thanks @siniang I agree with you :hug:

 

[Ronin]

I think thats totally context dependant.

You can be a loner and meantime friendly and alright socially and you can be a loner and a nutjob, no mental health note meant... and they are nowhere the same loner.

Nor do I think that most people confuse them two. I think mentioning it /means/ those people watch out what kinda loner one is, carefully.

Or, lack of connections vs being harmful are really two different things.

 

[starvingGrad]

I get that one a lot. Everyone asks about how many friendships I'm maintaining (especially in context of my diagnosis). In context of having some form of support system, I'd say its important to have at least one or two "good" people rather than having 15 "half-hearted/fair-weather" friends. Its the quality of support that matters not the quantity.

A large chunk of society acts like having a limited number of friends is an indicator of something "bad" while in reality its not necessarily "bad". Compare forming relationships to making investments: its not necessarily bad to be a risk adverse investor, so why is it bad to be risk adverse to form social relationships?

 

[EveHarrington]

File this under “shit that extroverts with no serious problems say”.

I know I have a hard time maintaining friendships for the simple reason that all of my spoons go into basic functioning.

The truth is that this “no friend” problem isn’t just for those of us with mental health issues, it’s a problem for those with physical health problems, too. I think society has little tolerance for “imperfect” friends TBH.

 

[starvingGrad]

I think society has little tolerance for “imperfect” friends TBH.

I prefer "imperfect" people, I respect when people say they're a mess, or a shitty communicator up front- because I admit I'm a mess sometimes, and a shitty communicator. I expect reciprocal friendships, I don't chase friendships where I always have to initiate contact, nor do I expect constant contact, I'll always be there for them if they need me if they'll be there for me.

Maybe my standards are too high, but for a lasting friendship with me:

• Quit the bullshit, and don't play games. I have little tolerance for people who pretend that every aspect of their life is in working perfect order (because lets face it: nobody's life is 100% perfect.)
• You also gotta be honest and be able to tell me anything to my face. (ex: In undergrad two of my friends and future flat mates decided over the summer to transfer, but one of them decided that it would be too hard to tell me- even in an email, so they emailed my long distance partner asking them to tell me. They had to be talked into sending me a message over facebook. Guess which friend I dropped.)
• You gotta show up when needed, because I will for you.

I've cut about as many people out of my life as have cut me out. Can't say I miss the people who ghosted me either, I don't want that type of person in my life. I've moved 3 cities in the last 7 years and it takes me a while to find "my people" and I'm fine with that. Apparently preferring the company of my oldest friends via skype over immediately cultivating a new group makes "normals" uneasy. The more relationships a person has to maintain the weaker each individual relationship becomes as they try to keep up with each person. I'd rather stick with a couple of likeminded messy people.

 

[The Albatross]

PTSD does not improve in isolation. Straight up. You can if you choose cope that way but it is not beneficial as a lifestyle choice in the longer term.

If it is, all it makes me want to do is never try to make friends ever again and shut the whole world out until I eventually die.

That's quite a message your sending yourself - but when faced with any life challenge one copes then adapts or changes or one quits. Which one do you want to be?

File this under “shit that extroverts with no serious problems say”. Disagree a large part of life is relationships... and... people prioritize importance in vastly different ways depending on their perspectives.

 

[starvingGrad]

That's quite a message your sending yourself

Agree 100% with this, sometimes you gotta get back on the horse after falling off.
1. that was just one stupid internet person's opinion, the internet is full of miserable asstrolls
2. you deserve better than having someone judge the quantity of your friends, and better people are 100% out there. (plus would you really want to date a person who is judging your social life anyway? who needs that in their life.)
3. if you can, identify the red flags your ex had. Learn to spot abusive behaviors to avoid falling into old patterns
4. its ok to take things slow and keep new acquaintances at a distance until you know they're "safe" people for you.
5. find someone to hang out with who feels outcast themselves, revel in your mutual annoyance of social butterflies

 

[siniang]

Humans need social interactions with humans.

How these interactions look and how extensive they are? Is very much dependent on the individual. Some people thrive with 100 friends. Others are fine with one or two whom they see every few weeks for a couple hours. Quality vs. quantity. And there's no right or wrong with this. Just difference.

The question is: Do you actually want to be friends or even partners with people who have a very different social pattern from yours? What do you hope to gain? I mean, this by itself is bound to be extremely stressing because you're trying to make polar opposites co-exist.

People have the natural tendency to flock to people who are similar to themselves. Don't try to force it just because you think you ought to or because society dictates it.

 

[Justmehere]

A red flag if they're looking for a potential new partner. But I think it could've meant in general too.

They were stating something they look for in a partner (or friend?) They stated what would be a red flag in their opinion.

I don't know, I guess I wondered if this is a popular view, that loners like me are seen as a 'red flag'?

If it is, all it makes me want to do is never try to make friends ever again and shut the whole world out until I eventually die.

In my opinion, it is concerning if someone planned to increase isolation and prepare for death because I express what is a red flag for me in my dating relationships. Don’t define your worth based on any opinion of any stranger on the interwebs, including mine.

If it is though, I don't understand how they expect us to make friends if they won't give us a chance?

I don’t see looking for a romantic partner online the same as making friends or not giving someone a chance to be a friend.

I think society has little tolerance for “imperfect” friends TBH.

I don’t think qualities someone is looking for in a romantic partner such as relationship skills and abilities strong enough to have a friend means someone is looking for perfection. Two totally different things.

PTSD does not improve in isolation. Straight up. You can if you choose cope that way but it is not beneficial as a lifestyle choice in the longer term.

It’s also a practical reality that couples do better in their relationship with each other if they also have friends. It’s science:
Dead Link Removed
It’s also important for mental health generally.
Study finds friends are strongly linked to our happiness

This all being said, what seems like might be underlying this issue is a frustration in the difficulty in making friends while battling PTSD and being an introvert. Is it easy? No. Is it possible? Yes. It doesn’t always feel desirable. I have purposefully worked on making friends (with some successes and glorious failures) even while I was in and out of hospitals for symptoms. I did not want to do it. I’m not an extrovert. It has been very hard. It’s been like eating broccoli, exercise, eating right or having an unwanted health procedure... Continuing to do things to make friends is part of caring for my mental health. I’ve done it even when I didn’t want to do it. I did it as part of my way of handling my mental health. Sometimes it was simply showing up at a meetup or etc. I kept connecting.

I have to work really hard at it even now and I really struggle in some friendships, but I have to say, it’s been worth it. It has made a difference in my life overall.

To bring it back around to the original topic, when I’m looking for someone to date, I’ve found the relationship goes better if the person I’m dating has the ability to 1.) have a friend (this doesn’t mean a lifelong best friend or perfection in relationships at all) 2.) that they spend time with friends without me. I can’t be everything to them or meet all their relationship needs. My PTSD actually means that it’s more desirable to date people that regularly connect to friends. I am also friends with several people who were very isolated and together we did things where we both made other friends. I don’t refuse to be friends because someone is isolated but if I’m looking for a life partner, I am generally looking for someone who does have friends.

 

[pam4him]

So sorry that this bothered you. As several have noted, it COULD be a red flag, but that doesn't mean it is. I have found that having a few deep relationships bring more fulfillment than having a bunch of shallow ones. It's not about how many friends you have, it's the quality of the friendships. Try to let this go, and work on taking care of you. Perhaps just be aware if your social circle is dwindling. It's okay to be afraid, but remember we all make mistakes. Please use caution in sharing, and consider if another's slight of you was intentional or simple human error before totally dismissing them from your life. Prayers for wisdom, peace and strength.