Relationship A Little Jealousy And Its Over

[AndAwayHeGoes]

Hey All! New here and hoping for some advice/light on a situation. This forum seems wonderful as I've been lurking for a while :)

Been off and on dating a guy with PTSD for a few months now. He had been interested in me for a while, although he didn't pursue me as he thought I wouldn't be interested. He did always treat me very well, so after taking the time to get to know him I let him know I was, in fact, interested and that was the beginning of "us".

You could say things have been rocky all along. Never horrible, and never long periods of avoidance, although it did happen. He's normally fairly good at communicating things to me so aside from one time, so whenever something happened I'd never felt it wasn't something we couldn't move on from. Now that one other time it happened that I mentioned, we broke up. He said that he wasn't feeling confident in a relationship with me, and that it was bad timing on his part.

Slowly, lines of communication opened up and we began seeing each other again. Things were going great for about a month, and then one day he shut down. He was visibly angry with me, wouldn't talk to me, and wouldn't tell me what or if I did anything wrong. When I asked he said "I'm not sure yet" and "I'll figure it out". Well, me being me, I can't stand when someone is mad at me especially not knowing why. So I kept pushing for an answer (to me that felt fair, give me the silent treatment but at least let me know why). Two days of silence and no reason why. When speaking to my friend (also his friend) about what was going on she told me that they had been texting a bit, just friendly chit chat or her venting about her relationship problems but that she stopped texting him because she didn't feel it was right due to mine and his relationship and she didn't cause any problems. Apparently the day she told him why she stopped texting him was the day he was suddenly mad at me for no reason. Please bear in mind that I did not know they had been texting, so her decision to stop was her own and I had nothing to do with that directly.

Now, I may have gotten upset. Ok, so I did get upset. Really upset. I didn't know the whole entire story (how and why #'s were exchanged). All I thought was "The guy I'm head over heels for is mad at me because another girl stopped talking to him!" Just didn't look good. And I had an extremely bad relationship before this, that included a lot of cheating. He knows this, and mnkws that I do have issues with trust. Instead of waiting to get all of the information, I sent a text asking if he was mad at me because I ruined his chances with her. Big mistake, and I knew it as soon as I sent the text. A few hours later I received a reply that said "Ya know what, I'm done with this! See Ya!"

We've been on touch a little, not anything about me and him personally. I sent a text last night saying I wished we were more like normal people, just have angry sex and get over it. He replied and said "you wouldn't like my angry sex! You're too jealous".

This is the first instance of jealousy I've had with him, which is actually quite amazing on my part. The fact that this has been the only time shows how much I actually trust him. it was just a poorly handled situation all around, no communication between us about any of it made it entirely worse.

I sent him two texts after he told me he was done. I asked him when I saw him if he read them and he said no, he deleted them. I asked if I could resend and he said to just leave it alone. I said he didn't have to reply, just read them and he told me to do what I felt I needed to. I resent them, but in an email with the subject "don't delete - read when ready". I'm not sure if he's read it but he says he didn't delete it.

So here I am... Wondering what to do now. I'm not ready to give up on him. I'm almost 100% sure he has pretty deep feelings for me although it's never been discussed. He hasn't said it, but I'm positive that my accusation really hurt him.

I don't want to be pushy, but is there anything I can do or say to help make this better? I know it's going to take time and I need to not be pushy... Just looking for a little guidance. Is it common for people with PTSD in relationships to end things with such knee jerk reactions and then regret their decision?

Sorry for the novel!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Knee jerk reaction?

Not in the least!

He essentially had to give up a friend for you. It doesn't matter that she initiated it when she found out that he was involved with you. He lost a friend.

I'd be pretty mad, too. I'd avoid getting involved with someone who decreased my support network.

I advise that you leave him alone. If he wants anything to do with you, he will come back.

 

[AndAwayHeGoes]

Thanks @Solara, for the reply, but I'm not sure I understand. I'm confused as to how I was the one who decreased his support network?

I'll clarify, she knew we were involved long before they became friends. If I had known they were talking, I would have been fine with it and I would have had no problem with it continuing (see, there's that communication thing again). It was 100% her decision to stop talking to him, and she informed him of that.

So, because we have a relationship and a friend felt as though she was crossing a line, I'm to blame?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Its not about blame, not in the least. Truth......you are dating him. Truth........mutual friend won't speak to him anymore because you are dating him. Truth.......he lost a friend because you are dating him.

In the end, it doesn't matter that you aren't to blame. The end result is that he lost a friend, and yes, he lost that friend because he is dating you. [He wouldn't have lost that friend if he wasn't dating you.]

I'm speaking as a sufferer myself. Its hard for me to make friends. If I was dating someone and we had a mutual friend and that mutual friend walked away from me because of the person I was dating, I'd be mad!

So for a moment let's throw away the part about the friend and focus on the jealousy issue. Jealousy of any sort would be enough for me to personally walk away. The first few months of a relationship are when two people are really getting to know one another. If jealousy pops up this early into things, he may throw on the brakes because he wants to be trusted and if someone has jealousy issues from the beginning, that's a HUGE red flag.

So really there are possibly two things going on here. He lost a friend and he's pissed about it. He doesn't want to become involved with a jealous person. Again, I'd leave him be and if he wants to see you again, he'll contact you.

 

[Sighs]

I'm a supporter not a sufferer. I think your reaction was pretty understandable. I would also be annoyed if my partner was mad at me because someone else stopped talking to him. But... being the partner of someone with PTSD I am used to being blamed for stuff that I can't control. Doesn't make it right. It just is.

To be perfectly honest - maybe you just dodged a bullet. PTSD sufferers - just like anyone else in a new relationship - put their best foot forward to start with. You don't see the ugliness til you've been in the relationship for a while.

 

[shimmerz]

maybe you just dodged a bullet

Agreed.

 

[moonbeam]

Hmmm I'm inclined to side with both of you.

Yes he shouldn't be upset with you because you can't control her actions. But you even say when he was mad he said he wasn't sure and was figuring it out. Likely he was mad but on some level knew not to blame you and was trying to sort it all out. Losing a friend for whatever reason is always upsetting. It is also a pretty PTSD thing to isolate when trying to deal with emotions. I know the silent treatment sucks but it frequently isn't about the person receiving it, it is more sufferers trying to cope. If you continue a relationship with him it will likely occur more.

The thing you can control is how you respond. And your response while understandable wasn't helpful. Which likely explains why he ended it. If I was isolating and got confronted with jealousy I would run too. Especially if its early days into a relationship.

Ultimately right now I don't think there is anything you can do. Practice some self-care and look after yourself, try to be okay without being with anyone. And if he comes back he will, but know if he does the situation will probably occur again so you do need to decide if you can handle receiving the silent treatment when he gets really upset?

 

[AndAwayHeGoes]

Thank you @Solara for the explanation.

@moonbeam, thank you for your thoughts. That makes sense to me now why he was saying he wasn't sure and would figure it out. I get that someone with PTSD would have a different reaction to something of this nature and I try to see things from his side but I just couldn't put this one together.

I guess what upsets me so much is that this whole thing could have been avoided. If the other person in this equation had mentioned to me that they were talking, I could have let her know it was ok with me and avoided any of this. Instead, being left in the dark and her trying to hide it before it was found out (what it seems to me) is where the major issues came from.

I absolutely know that my response wasn't helpful. Jealousy towards him has never been an issue, and I've watched him flirt and throw on the charm with many women while I've known him. No big deal, because I knew he was into me. This case was different, again because of lack of communication and his reaction towards me over losing a friend.

There was a point, in the very beginning, that if I explained my feelings to him he would take the time to understand and see things from my view just as I do with him. It seems now though that I just need to understand his side and leave it be. I know he's capable of being more compassionate towards me, and I don't know why he's steered away from it.

Would it do me any good to apologize to him for being the cause of a loss of a friend now that I understand? I have apologized for my reaction of jealousy.

I think all together I would be more at ease if we were in a committed relationship, but we weren't. I do trust him, and am ok with being with someone, I just feel more at ease when someone makes it known with no questions they want to be with me and only me.

 

[AndAwayHeGoes]

Agreed.

Just to touch on this. I know he has issues. I know it's going to take work and won't be easy at times. But I truly feel he's worth all the trouble.

 

[shimmerz]

This case was different, again because of lack of communication and his reaction towards me over losing a friend.

I don't think there is anything unusual about the way you reacted. Honestly, you didn't even know the two were talking. He shut down and I think you would have been remiss for not noticing and asking what was going on. I don't like the way this is all being assigned to you. I tend to get suspicious when things become 'all my fault'.

 

[moonbeam]

I think all together I would be more at ease if we were in a committed relationship, but we weren't. I do trust him, and am ok with being with someone, I just feel more at ease when someone makes it known with no questions they want to be with me and only me.

What what what?

Oh no. If you want a committed relationship ask for it. If he refuses to give it to you don't waste your time. You have a need to be exclusive with your partner and if they can't fulfill that need find a new one.

I agree with Shimmerz and went back to read my post to make sure it didn't sound like I was blaming you. It doesn't sound like that to me.

 

[AndAwayHeGoes]

I wouldn't say he's putting it all on me. He was angry and wouldn't speak to her when she explained why she stopped texting. When he sent the text telling me he was done he sent one to her at the same time that just said "good bye".