I am a 22 year old female who was diagnosed with PTSD in November 2012.
I have had this awful disease for as long as I can remember. My mother was 23 and my father was 20 when I was born and they had already had very interesting lives even when they were young. I am fairly certain my mother also suffer from PTSD but she absolutely refuses to believe it. My dad is a schizophrenic who has been doing fantastic this past year.
My earliest memories, even the happy ones, are mostly of me remembering the emotions I felt, and they were dread and grief. I remember a handful of instances of abuse almost perfectly but others have faded away into my sub conscience. I have always been withdrawn, even as early as Kindergarten, and have even suffered from terrible migraines and insomnia.
I really, really, really want to get my life back on track, however I almost feel as though I am growing up backwards. I felt more mature as a child since I felt forced to grow up and now at 23 I feel as though I do not even fit into society. I have had 3 jobs over the past 4 years. Two of those jobs I have worked for two years each, both ending in me having to resign because I was just so miserable and couldn't keep going. I would find myself in the bathroom crying. Mind you I worked in very stressful work environments full of gossip.
I still live with my parents to this day. When I was 16 I had child services over when my father had hit me with the belt so many times that the skin on my legs was the color of a bruise. My thighs were absolutely covered and I was hit there because I was told no one could see it there. It was ok to beat your child as long as you did not leave a mark.
Well, since child services I have gotten help, medication, and me and my four siblings that I am the oldest of still live with my parents. They are much more understanding and try very hard to support me and move one from what happened. My mother however is prone to fits of rage over small things that are usually directed at me, but after we cool down we continue on like nothing had ever happened.
I have been in a relationship for over five years and I adore him so much. He has put up so much of my crap it is unbelievable, but I can feel him getting to wits end. If I am sad he is the only one I can talk to as I feel like i cannot talk to friends in fear I will be judged. I'm already known as 'crazy' to some people who have heard of the things I've done I'm so ashamed of.
So basically my question is how can I come out of this rut? I worked at a crappy vet that did not care about their animals and resigned a month ago, and then my beloved pet had gone missing. Then I find out my brother is joining the marines. My brother is my only rock in this house besides my boyfriend. All of this happening together has almost literally driven me crazy. I cannot sleep at night even if I am tired, sometimes being up for three days straight. I am always feeling so sad and hopeless. My room is a pig sty and I can't even bring myself t clean it. My brother has his own issues at home as well as work and school and I feel horrible that he is spending all of his free time with me trying to make me happy.
Where do I start and how do I manage? I am taking Paxil. My house is in foreclosure after my dad lost his job due to his mental illness. My mother stole 2000 out of my bank account the week I quit to gamble it at a casino, knowing that was the only money I had left. I just feel so stuck, and I figure this is the best place as a cry for help. No one in my family has insurance so I cannot afford medical care.
I am so sorry for rambling, I am just kind of upset right now and feel like my life has fallen apart and I don't even know where to begin to pick up the pieces. Thank you all so much in advance.
I have had this awful disease for as long as I can remember. My mother was 23 and my father was 20 when I was born and they had already had very interesting lives even when they were young. I am fairly certain my mother also suffer from PTSD but she absolutely refuses to believe it. My dad is a schizophrenic who has been doing fantastic this past year.
My earliest memories, even the happy ones, are mostly of me remembering the emotions I felt, and they were dread and grief. I remember a handful of instances of abuse almost perfectly but others have faded away into my sub conscience. I have always been withdrawn, even as early as Kindergarten, and have even suffered from terrible migraines and insomnia.
I really, really, really want to get my life back on track, however I almost feel as though I am growing up backwards. I felt more mature as a child since I felt forced to grow up and now at 23 I feel as though I do not even fit into society. I have had 3 jobs over the past 4 years. Two of those jobs I have worked for two years each, both ending in me having to resign because I was just so miserable and couldn't keep going. I would find myself in the bathroom crying. Mind you I worked in very stressful work environments full of gossip.
I still live with my parents to this day. When I was 16 I had child services over when my father had hit me with the belt so many times that the skin on my legs was the color of a bruise. My thighs were absolutely covered and I was hit there because I was told no one could see it there. It was ok to beat your child as long as you did not leave a mark.
Well, since child services I have gotten help, medication, and me and my four siblings that I am the oldest of still live with my parents. They are much more understanding and try very hard to support me and move one from what happened. My mother however is prone to fits of rage over small things that are usually directed at me, but after we cool down we continue on like nothing had ever happened.
I have been in a relationship for over five years and I adore him so much. He has put up so much of my crap it is unbelievable, but I can feel him getting to wits end. If I am sad he is the only one I can talk to as I feel like i cannot talk to friends in fear I will be judged. I'm already known as 'crazy' to some people who have heard of the things I've done I'm so ashamed of.
So basically my question is how can I come out of this rut? I worked at a crappy vet that did not care about their animals and resigned a month ago, and then my beloved pet had gone missing. Then I find out my brother is joining the marines. My brother is my only rock in this house besides my boyfriend. All of this happening together has almost literally driven me crazy. I cannot sleep at night even if I am tired, sometimes being up for three days straight. I am always feeling so sad and hopeless. My room is a pig sty and I can't even bring myself t clean it. My brother has his own issues at home as well as work and school and I feel horrible that he is spending all of his free time with me trying to make me happy.
Where do I start and how do I manage? I am taking Paxil. My house is in foreclosure after my dad lost his job due to his mental illness. My mother stole 2000 out of my bank account the week I quit to gamble it at a casino, knowing that was the only money I had left. I just feel so stuck, and I figure this is the best place as a cry for help. No one in my family has insurance so I cannot afford medical care.
I am so sorry for rambling, I am just kind of upset right now and feel like my life has fallen apart and I don't even know where to begin to pick up the pieces. Thank you all so much in advance.
