General A Newbie Question

[dayglo]

Loveneverfails - She says she is on enough meds... If I suggest she takes something when she is overwhelmed (like a Clonazepam) she accuses me of "trying to control her"...which is a trigger...

Sailorgal - I try but basically if I don't do everything she says, her way, then I'm not listening to her and she says she is "invisible", which is a trigger...

So basically I'm not just walking on eggshells, I also have to walk where she wants me to walk or else..

 

[Sailorgal]

Well there is always something that leads up to the boiling over. Her saying she feels invisible is the last pit stop, not a trigger. However, when one is overwhelmed, everything adds to it.

I'm talking about specific things like watching certain types of movies or specific scenes, certain foods, smells, etc. Anything she may now be much more overwhelmed with than in the past.

In terms of eggshells, until she owns up to her behavior, it will be difficult to grasp because in her mind she is validated.

On a practical note, it may be helpful to do things in black and white and not verbal. Perhaps, if she wants you to run errands, suggest she write it down or text you as you are sitting with her. Maybe you need some time to get out of the house and be alone as well. The verbal exchange can be confusing for the supporter. Depending on the severity of the sufferer's trauma, the dissociation csn be pretty intense.

She will still have her episodes but you can make them a bit more manageable. It just depends on what has happened to her and where she is now. Maybe you're just scratching the surface.

 

[Venusian]

dayglo, I just read through this thread and I agree with everything that has been said. You are looking for help and understanding for your wife but I hope you are taking care of yourself and your son. PTSD is no excuse for abuse. You said a few posts back,

At first it was just me, but now our son (10 years old) is starting to be a "trusted" target as well. That scares me more than anything else.

It is possible to have a good family life with a lot of work but until then, look after yourself. If you are scared for your son, keep that son of yours safe. Possibly talk to your therapist on the best way to keep him from becoming a target if you are scared that the situation is escalating. There are too many people on this forum that are here because one parent turned the other way. You are reaching out for advice and looking for answers so I know you are not one of the ones that turn away.

 

[dayglo]

Sometimes she is like a spoiled child. I visit my mom every two or three weeks or so with my son (everytime my wife goes there is some sort of argument so she doesn't want to go anymore and it is better that way). But her being "alone" seems to be a trigger.... "I'm depressed, how can you leave me alone" "You care more for your mother more than for me". I go anyway (my mom is 85 years old and I haven't seen her in three weeks. She lives less than an hour away so it's not a big deal except to my wife)... And every 30 minutes she is calling me asking when I am coming home, the longer I stay the angrier she gets.

I finally get home and it's like she wants to "make up for lost time" and have me run around paying attention to her or she starts arguments, like she's looking for attention any way she can..... The eggshells now have shards of broken glass...

 

[Sailorgal]

Hi Dayglo,

I was wondering when the next outbreak would be.

How much do you know about your wife's trauma? I'm not saying you need to know all the details but a little insight might help here to develop a better strategy in this situation. Have you sought any counseling or support group yet?

Remember you will not win an argument with her. You also need to remain consistent, not give into the emotional manipulation.

When she is "ok," maybe come up with a plan that she agrees to and write it out together. Sounds ridiculous but make her see her own agreement in black and white. Put it on a calendar and she can initial her buy off. Maybe even list acceptable reasons to come home early like accident, etc. It also gives you something she can show her therapist that she is working on and to discuss.

It's only a suggestion to make operating a bit easier. Maybe have her schedule "must do" activities during those times like grocery shopping, etc to keep her busy.

Truth is, silence is better. Don't ignore her but don't get swept up in it. Sheesh I used to be like that...wow it is shocking to read this.

She is really hurting, hopefully she starts to recognize what her issues are doing to your family.

 

[ms spock]

She hates the house. He hates her job. I need to get a new job since she can't work anymore. Her arm hurts (minor tendonitis but to her its a reminder of her past) so I have to do the laundry and dishes and she's beginning to criticize me if I don't do it "right".

I know she will have another outburst 7-10 days from now and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel like I'm on a runaway train or an out-of-control car going down a hill with faulty breaks. By walking on eggshells I can only delay the inevitable...

This is sounding like that she is being quite abusive to you. It is not okay to live in fear of someone else's emotional explosions. I would suggest getting in to counselling and therapy yourself, immediately, so you can protect yourself from the fall out of her emotions.

This way you can also work out strategies of how to deal with the phases of her PTSD.

She can't be abusive to your son as she is to you. You two will need to work together to protect your son from her PTSD.

There needs to be mechanisms set in place where negotiation can take place without her controlling that by saying it is a trigger for her.

Take Care. All the Best for you Three.

... I hope you are taking care of yourself and your son. PTSD is no excuse for abuse.

No it is not.

It is possible to have a good family life with a lot of work but until then, look after yourself. If you are scared for your son, keep that son of yours safe. Possibly talk to your therapist on the best way to keep him from becoming a target if you are scared that the situation is escalating. There are too many people on this forum that are here because one parent turned the other way. You are reaching out for advice and looking for answers so I know you are not one of the ones that turn away.

You are brave to look into protecting your son. This must be a priority. In my opinion protection of your child is a priority over your wife.

Maybe you need some time to get out of the house and be alone as well.

You really need to set up your support networks. You need to have regularly scheduled time for yourself.

I wish you well. All the best.

It's common for many memories to appear after the abuser(s) pass away. So you have abuse/trauma plus the PTSD on top of that.

It is quite common.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I need to own up Dayglo and admit that at the beginning of my marriage I was very similar to how you describe your wife. Unfortunately for me, it took getting out of an abusive relationship(we were hurting each other often, him hurting me physically, me hurting him back with my ridiculous neediness and demands). My relationship was toxic from the instant it began, so I can't offer you perspective on what to do in order to find peace of mind and save your marriage. All I can do is offer you insight that it isn't your fault, that it really is her and that until she is ready to realize the damage her behavior is causing to her family as well as herself, change isn't going to happen. Not everyone is capable of seeing it.

You need to be very strict with your boundaries. It is perfectly alright to sit down with her therapist and set out ground rules between you two for what is okay and what isn't. You are allowed to have time elsewhere to yourself, you are allowed to have friends and family you visit. I did that too in the beginning, it's a codependent behavior and I wish I had more advice for you than to just stand your ground. This is a really hard place for you to be in and it's going to get worse before it gets better. She is going to feel like her world is crumbling when you put your foot down and she will likely kick and scream and act like a 3 year old, but you have to stick with it, because you deserve a life and your son deserves to know he doesn't have to put up with that behavior from a female.

I can say that if her therapist focuses slowly on her discovering who she is as an individual, doing things on her own and not clinging to others and then feeling betrayed by their need for independence eventually won't feel like such a threat. But that's the best case scenario. Alot of my behavior was learned from one of my care givers and with a lot of therapy I was able to make progress, some people aren't able to recognize or let go of their behaviors and continue to believe it's everyone else and never them.

 

[dayglo]

Sailorgal -she had a rough life growing up with physical abuse from her parents. She goes for counseling, which I am not sure is really helping her as the outbursts seem just as frequent or not worse than a year ago.

I went to the same therapist but need to switch to a new one.

Ms Spock - any "me time" is somehow seen by her as "me ignoring her time" which seems to be a trigger as well.

 

[Sailorgal]

Counseling may/may not be working or maybe the progress with this therapist has reached it's potential. Progress takes effort on both parts.

Sounds like a very frank and heart to heart conversation is required. Note: she may not even realize how bad her behavior is which is one of the challenges. She may sound cooperative and promising one minute and the next "my counseling is helping just fine."

I suggest a separate counselor but as Ms Spock advised to have a sit down with her counselor as well about her progress.

Obviously as her husband she depends on you and trusts you. It's a hard place as she knows she has issues but I suspect this is the surface as I've mentioned before. The counselor may not realize how deep her hurts are (take a look at the diaries of sufferers). Just my guess but the counseling is to help her with her current struggles, bit it's like putting a band aid on a severed leg.

In the meantime, keep explanations to a minimum. Avoid saying,"you said this," when she said it was ok to run some errands and then freaks out. It won't get you anywhere.

 

[safenow]

PTSD is no excuse for abuse.

I totally agree with Venusian. I'm sorry I haven't been able to read the entire thread. Eyes are bad today. But be sure to take care of yourself and your son, which I'm sure you are.

safenow

 

[ms spock]

Ms Spock - any "me time" is somehow seen by her as "me ignoring her time" which seems to be a trigger as well.

The problem will come that when most things become triggers in order to control you around her fear - you will get to a point that you can't manage or care anymore.

So counselling with someone that has actual experience and skills as pertaining to PTSD and trauma would be a good idea for you.

You have to carve out your you time for you now or you will drown in the situation. I don't know if you can do this but I hope that you can.

Best wishes

 

[dayglo]

Ms Spock:

"The problem will come that when most things become triggers in order to control you around her fear - you will get to a point that you can't manage or care anymore."
WOW. EXACTLY. Can't Manage anymore.

"So counselling with someone that has actual experience and skills as pertaining to PTSD and trauma would be a good idea for you."

YES, need to find one in the NY Tri-State Area.

"You have to carve out your you time for you now or you will drown in the situation. I don't know if you can do this but I hope that you can."

See #1... Problem is any time not dedicated to her is a "trigger". Sometimes she seems like a spoiled rotten child... Instead of a temper tantrum it's a PTSD episode.. Recently, she says she has Carpel Tunnel and her arm hurts. So I have to cook all of her meals, make lunch and put it in the fridge before I leave for work, help her get dressed when I am around, etc. Sigh