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General A Newbie Question
- Post starter dayglo
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I don't want to make an assumption, but sometimes physical pain isn't actual - it may be "real" due to previous trauma and PTSD. Example, someone who will be ill for the sake of you not leaving them. So....just go with the flow but she really needs to be evaluated properly. Is she not working?
- Post starter
- #27
Sailorgal - You are right.. We've spent thousands of dollars on doctors for tests on fibromyalgia, sjogrens, and several other things. All come back as "borderline" or "negative". She has *mild* tendonitis (I've seen the xray and MRI report) but she says she cannot work, can't cook, can't clean, etc.
After I clean up the kitchen, she come in, criticizes it, and cleans up things which I did "wrong". Then she yells in pain and says "If you cleaned it correctly, I wouldn't have had to do it myself and hurt my arm".
She's working from the home but will be quitting that consulting job soon as the boss there somehow reminds her of her father, which of course is a trigger. The she says that I need to find a higher-paying job ASAP since we can't afford to live where we are on just my salary.
After I clean up the kitchen, she come in, criticizes it, and cleans up things which I did "wrong". Then she yells in pain and says "If you cleaned it correctly, I wouldn't have had to do it myself and hurt my arm".
She's working from the home but will be quitting that consulting job soon as the boss there somehow reminds her of her father, which of course is a trigger. The she says that I need to find a higher-paying job ASAP since we can't afford to live where we are on just my salary.
ms spock
VIP Member
The main thing is to get yourself some high quality therapy, dayglo, and work out a plan to look after yourself and your son.
You need to work out boundaries with your partner, lovingly but clearly and directly. She sounds like she is falling apart. I feel for her, she is obviously in a lot of fear and pain at this time. However that fear and pain can't rule all your lives and it is not good for her to give in to it all and seek refuge in withdrawal and avoidance. (I am, unfortunately, doing this to a certain extent - but I have got a number of insights to take back into the world with me though and I have been going for some walks and seeing some friends.)
Giving up working does not always lead to the best outcome. The more she retreats into fear the more she will feel fear about the world. Avoiding all the stressors and/or triggers is not the way to go. Breaking them down so she at least deals with some of them each day or each second day is important to recovery.
You don't have to put up with her verbal abusiveness - where she picks at your cleaning and everything. You can set boundaries with her about how you will let her treat you.
Building yourself up a good support network would be a priority at this time.
You need to work out boundaries with your partner, lovingly but clearly and directly. She sounds like she is falling apart. I feel for her, she is obviously in a lot of fear and pain at this time. However that fear and pain can't rule all your lives and it is not good for her to give in to it all and seek refuge in withdrawal and avoidance. (I am, unfortunately, doing this to a certain extent - but I have got a number of insights to take back into the world with me though and I have been going for some walks and seeing some friends.)
Giving up working does not always lead to the best outcome. The more she retreats into fear the more she will feel fear about the world. Avoiding all the stressors and/or triggers is not the way to go. Breaking them down so she at least deals with some of them each day or each second day is important to recovery.
You don't have to put up with her verbal abusiveness - where she picks at your cleaning and everything. You can set boundaries with her about how you will let her treat you.
Building yourself up a good support network would be a priority at this time.
- Post starter
- #29
What kind of boundary? And if a boundary is crossed by her, then what?
SeekingSerenity
Diamond Member
Boundaries are not just important, they are essential. I'll tell you why...
The first step to being a supporter, a good supporter, is first looking after yourself. I can see from what you have written since the beginning of this thread that you aren't looking after yourself, but you are crying out for help. So help yourself first. You cannot support her if you yourself are screwed up.
Set boundaries with her when she is having a good-ish day and she can remember what is being discussed. PTSD and its symptoms are one thing, but abuse is another. You cannot allow her to do things, things that you would not stand for were she well. So tell her what hurts you, what you consider intolerable, and get her to agree not to do them.
Then when she does have a bad day, and she does do them (and she will) then you decide what you will do. I usually retreated and gave her her space to figure it out, these days I let her know straight out that what she is doing is not allowed, screw the eggshells. She actually seems to somehow appreciate the honesty and directness that I show in ths regard. Someone else might take it differently.
Refuse to accept, or take her abuse. When she sees that she still needs to behave in a civil, acceptable manner even when she is freaking out, she will probably find comfort in those boundaries, and start sticking to them.
Well, this is how I deal with my sufferer, and after 6 months of marriage to her (tomorrow!!!) it seems to be working well.
Oh, and if you are serious about your relationship, and you are committed to staying with her, then tell her that. Often, and with feeling. She seems to become quite insecure during an episode, and allaying her fears may go a long way to comforting her.
best of luck dayglo, its not going to be easy.
The first step to being a supporter, a good supporter, is first looking after yourself. I can see from what you have written since the beginning of this thread that you aren't looking after yourself, but you are crying out for help. So help yourself first. You cannot support her if you yourself are screwed up.
Set boundaries with her when she is having a good-ish day and she can remember what is being discussed. PTSD and its symptoms are one thing, but abuse is another. You cannot allow her to do things, things that you would not stand for were she well. So tell her what hurts you, what you consider intolerable, and get her to agree not to do them.
Then when she does have a bad day, and she does do them (and she will) then you decide what you will do. I usually retreated and gave her her space to figure it out, these days I let her know straight out that what she is doing is not allowed, screw the eggshells. She actually seems to somehow appreciate the honesty and directness that I show in ths regard. Someone else might take it differently.
Refuse to accept, or take her abuse. When she sees that she still needs to behave in a civil, acceptable manner even when she is freaking out, she will probably find comfort in those boundaries, and start sticking to them.
Well, this is how I deal with my sufferer, and after 6 months of marriage to her (tomorrow!!!) it seems to be working well.
Oh, and if you are serious about your relationship, and you are committed to staying with her, then tell her that. Often, and with feeling. She seems to become quite insecure during an episode, and allaying her fears may go a long way to comforting her.
best of luck dayglo, its not going to be easy.
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