A Reason To Live: Fighting Suicidal Thoughts

[rightkindofme]

My therapist told me yesterday that she thinks I'm trying to kill myself, whether it be by starvation (look I have plenty of fat to live on) or whatever. She knows that my mind just thinks of dying. I know a psychiatrist during inpatient told me that is the default on my brain to anything even remotely stressful and it is going to take a while to change that. My therapist said it is going to be tough work. I agree with both of them since these thoughts have been here since I was a child and I'm currently in my 40's. How to get rid of it is the question right now.

That's why I had kids. I didn't have anything else strong enough to keep me here. I wanted to have a tie.

 

[Britt.f7]

Rightkindofme, I was afraid to have kids. There are times I wish I hadn't because I wouldn't have this barrier to dying. They've saved me more then once and they don't even know it.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Hmmm. Well I'm 22 and my biological clock is kicking me up the arse like you wouldn't believe.
But this gives me hope.:joyful:

 

[maddog]

More and more as time passes, I'm afraid of the fact that I don't have any such tie. I don't have kids, or family, or anyone who depends on me for anything or who would be more than a little sad if I wasn't here anymore.

There is an inherent instability in feeling that lack of bind to the world, as though there is no anchor holding me here. Sometimes it just seems as though there's no point in bothering to try, because it doesn't matter anyway.

I know I have to somehow fight those thoughts and remind myself of all the people who would care and the reasons why life should always be preferred over death. It's just a horribly powerful magnet that draws me towards destruction sometimes, and lately, there have been too many of those times. I guess that's why I'm sitting in a hospital right now wondering when I'll ever see the world again...

Maddog

 

[Tinyflame]

I so get it, dear MD. I think at times like that we see the perceived relief and not the cost.

Anchors aren't always visible, but they can be there nonetheless.

And anchors are for the storms, the anchor does what the ship can't.

We are anchors, too. :hug:

 

[Britt.f7]

Maddog, I do not remember a time in my life where I did not think of dying, but there must have been times. Earlier this year, when the thoughts became more intense, I did go into the hospital. The first night I was there I was already saying I wanted to get out. I also new these thoughts wouldn't get any better on the outside. Not yet at least.

I am no longer hospitalized, but I am in therapy. Today the psychiatrist came in with the nurse practitioner to figure out what we should do about my meds, they haven't been helping as of late. He asked me how long have I thought about dying. I told him my whole life and I know I have to work on reprogramming my thought process. Then he asked me a question I had never heard before. He asked me if I believed in an afterlife. I had to think about it for a moment. I told him I'm not sure. Then he asked, if there wasn't and death was all it was, would I still want to die. I'll leave out my answer to that, because I think it is an interesting question to ponder. Though I have thought about the possibility between life after death, or not, I have never thought of it in relationship to my decision to die.

Though I understand the feeling of just ending it(whatever it is), I would not wish that on anyone else. Your life is valuable. I truly believe it is a gift we were given. I wish you courage and strength.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Then he asked, if there wasn't and death was all it was, would I still want to die.

I believe in an afterlife, but I don't think I could deal with the shame of admitting I wasted a life that so many other people on this planet are crying out to have.
So I choose to stay, and find a way to help someone else, because ultimately it will help me.

That, and my war-era grandmother has instilled in me an absolute hatred for waste of any kind.

 

[Shellbell]

or family, or anyone who depends on me for anything or who would be more than a little sad if I wasn't here anymore.

Maddog

Yes you do have family now, and I depend on you and I would be devastated if you were no longer here.

:hug:

 

[rightkindofme]

Tonight is bad for me. I've been crying for hours. I've been doing something unusual and I have let my husband comfort me. He has only seen me cry a few times in the six years we have been married. Usually I won't let him touch me.

Tonight I asked him if he understands why I usually can't let him touch me. He said no. I told him because my mom would hit me for crying and tell me, "no one wants to see it."

I feel like I have come back from an extended visit to Chernobyl. I am toxic and bad and I hurt people by existing near them. Everyone would be better if I was gone.

It's not any more true for me than it is for you maddog. Even though I have kids and you don't, it isn't more true for you either. We are incapable of seeing the web we live in. That doesn't mean it isn't there.

I just wish I could actually feel like someone loves me. Even when I am crying on my husband and he isn't complaining about the tears or the snot I flinch when he raises his hand. I believe I deserve to be beaten because I am stupid enough to cry. Even though my kids are loving and affectionate and clingy I wait for the day when they too look at me like shit they stepped in. I am so afraid of the future.

 

[Shellbell]

Rightkindofme, I am sorry you are having such a hard time tonight. I understand so much of what you've said. Let out your emotions. Let your husband comfort you. It's good you explained to your husband why you normally can't be touched when upset.

You're not stupid to cry, it is okay and you do deserve to be loved and you didn't deserve to be beaten at all in any way. None of that was your fault.

And your children love you now and they will love you in the future. You must be doing a great job as a Mum for them to be loving and affectionate.

The future scares me too, the fear of the unknown is hard, but we can make it a good future, we just need to keep being strong.

 

[Britt.f7]

I feel like I have come back from an extended visit to Chernobyl. I am toxic and bad and I hurt people by existing near them. Everyone would be better if I was gone.

Right kind of me, I don't think your husband would have stayed with you if you were toxic. It sounds like he loves you, so you are definitely worthy of love.

My very first relationship with someone I loved, I would always flinch when he reached out to touch me. I know he noticed because he told me. It took me a long time of learning how to brace myself in preparation for his touch. Eventually it got easier.

My husband is a very understanding man. However, when we were first married he told me he wasn't going to treat me bad just because that is what I expected. We've been married 18 years and I think he is usually the one who initiates a hug. He makes sure he kisses me before he leaves and when he comes back. All these years and I still don't expect it.

It is very hard to feel we are worthy, sometimes we have to remind ourselves that others think we are. I still have issues with that. I think, one day, we will realize that and it will be okay. I have to have hope.

 

[Violet03]

(((((Rightkindofme))))) I am so sorry you feel that way. Unfortunately I understand. I feel exactly the same most of the time. I am also married but do not know what it's like to feel loved. This makes me feel defective. My husband is angry with me for how I feel (and don't feel). A lot of things in my present are what make these suicidal feelings intense.

As I read your post I thought you sound so strong in your advice to maddog. You have an amazing ability to convey thoughts of encouragement to other people and help them see things things clearly. I wish you could see your own truth as easy and clear.

I believe the same negative things about myself that you tell yourself. When those words are their loudest we need to ask ourselves, "who is telling us these lies?" The ones who taught us the lies that we are stupid, that we are toxic, that we deserve bad things, etc. are our abusers. Do not let them win. Shut them up by proving them wrong!

You are strong. You survived trauma. You deserve to feel and experience good things in life.