A Reason To Live: Fighting Suicidal Thoughts

[KBE]

Tried to come up with reasons the other day. All I could come up with was I didn't want my husband to come home from overseas and find my corpse. He's home now, so I'm unsure what ill do to keep going.

 

[Shellbell]

Hugs ((((((KBE)))))))

 

[HëllaBubz]

I have found that I cannot bear the responsibility of the pain I know it would cause my partner, my brother and sister if I did.

So I just fight it, and remind myself just how good the small things are.

My 20yo brother comes to me for medical advise, to fend off mum and dad, to fix his car, or find something for him, he loves my cooking, and loves cuddling with me to watch a movie on my bed, he snuggles with me in bed in the morning if he slept poorly, and loves my massages that I give to fix his back. He gets me to fix his 'owies', help with his washing, and give him advise on girls, and would beat the living ratshit out of anyone that ever made me upset, or even thought about touching me.

I have so many stupid girls to keep away from my brother, so many STD's to educate him about :rolleyes::ninja:, cuddles to give when he feels lonely and wants some unassuming, unconditional hugs and some gentle ribbing about his smoking, I can't leave now, he'll end up doing something silly without me there to give him a gentle nudge.

My 17yo sister talks to me about stuff she can't talk about with her friends because they are all 'religious', learns how to do makeup, deal with drunk men, have a cuddle when she's stressing about exams, or watch funny movies together to help her sleep before school. She loves me plaiting her hair, or doing her makeup for her, or letting her raid my wardrobe with things I used to be able to wear.
She loves my cats, and gets me to help write out her essays when her RSI starts flaring up, and loves to sing with me or look at handbags together.

I have so many things I need to teach my sister about in the real world, and so many things to protect her from, and fix, I can't leave now, she needs me.

My 28yo partner graduated from university yesterday, I was the only person he wanted there, other than his stepmother. I was so proud of him, especially because of how hard and technical his Bachelor's degree was, and he wants me to have my own robes one day.

He cups my face and strokes my bottom lip with his thumb, then leans in and gently kisses my forehead, and a little warm flame flares up when he does that.
He strokes me in my sleep, and whispers gently in my ear, reassuring me, protecting me, telling me how proud he is of my progress, and how much he wants to have a 'mini us' one day.

He will kiss me gently, and then stick his nose in my ear and snuffle like a puppy dog in my ear until I can't help but squeal with laughter, and then he'll bite my nose, and snuffle in my other ear until I'm screaming with laughter and begging for mercy.
He'll section my hair and comb out the matted knots from the wind, and patiently tries to plait my hair, or rubs my neck until I melt into a puddle, and can't help but smile at the gentle kisses on my temple.

He tells me how wonderful a mother I'll be, how smart I am, how much he loves time spent with me, and how he believes in me, the beautiful woman given to him by a God that he is only beginning to believe exists. And at night he'll whisper a prayer, asking for an extra angel to watch over me while I sleep.

Just the sight of him brings a spring to my step and a smile to my face, how could I leave now?

 

[Shellbell]

Wow Bubzilla, that is so so much to live for! Your partner sounds wonderful, I am so glad you have his support and love :)

And your brother needs you, and your sister has so much to learn from you and that is such a privilege :)

Awww, thank you for sharing all that. They are very good things :)

 

[HëllaBubz]

I have so many wonderful things, even reading about love and cherishing things in someone else's life can be enough to pick up someone else's day, I want to share just how special the few people in my life are so other people can feel some of the love too.

I'm given so much love, even when I'm feeling ratshit, I'll always have time to give some unconditional love and hugs out to anyone that I see that needs it.

xoxoxo

Fight long and hard my fellow supporters, I've never met you, but I love you all for who you are, and the special moments you bring to my days when I see the little red notification which tells me that someone awesome has said something that I wanna read and enjoy.

xoxoxox

 

[DharmaGirl]

You picked up my day, Bubs. I didn't realize how much we mean to our friends and family. I just think about how to get away from the pain. Now I have a different view.

 

[maddog]

I almost made the wrong choice last night. Right now, the shame feels enormous, and the hope is very, very thin.

But I'm putting all my money on hope, and going to the hospital for a while. I have good, safe, genuine people in my world who care about me, and they were there when I needed them. There aren't many of them, but I've learned that it's quality, not quantity, that counts, and mine are platinum.

Whenever I feel the world has left me with nothing but suffering, I hold onto those people, and I let them believe for me when I can't.

Some day I will be stronger. Until then, I'm going to at least try to be safe.

Maddog

 

[quaintpapercut]

Maddog - :hug:

I'm proud of you for taking such good care of yourself, even if it feels like its coming at a deep price. And i'm glad that you have great friends and family that are in your corner.

 

[maddog]

My friends are my family - I don't need the biological ones.

Thanks for what you said.

MD

 

[quaintpapercut]

Maddog - I'm sorry for my presumption. I'm not in contact with my biological family (aside from my children) so I'm not sure why I made that comment. I hope my words didn't cause you any distress.

 

[maddog]

Oh no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry if it seemed as though they did cause me distress. Sorry, I'm not very articulate right now, it's totally ok, it just reminded me of the truth of the fact that my family thesedays really isn't my biological one, and how special my new family really is.

Nothing ever dulls the pain of my biological family and all that they stand for... but that's a different topic I guess.

Thanks for caring enough to clarify, and for always responding so compassionately.

MD

 

[Hashi]

(((((((((((Maddog)))))))))))

I'm so, so sorry for how you're feeling, and all your struggles and suffering.

I'm glad you're taking steps to keep yourself safe. I hope the hospital gives you some respite, and they take good care of you.

Sending lots of support,

Hashi