Ok.... I know this is going to sound weird but....I got angry and even said that I was!!!!! Another wonderful phone conversation with my mother (I do hope you hear the sarcasm lol). I did get angry, stated it & excused myself from the conversation. The best part is that I didn't go into a tail spin over it ;o)
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A Small Step That Is A Big Accomplishment
- Post starter Iam
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intothelight
Sponsor
Good for you Iam.
ITL
ITL
Grama-Herc
Diamond Member
That is fantastic, and difficult to do. And without a tail spin???? you should be dam proud of yourself!!
KUDOS to you
KUDOS to you
J
just me here
I don't know you or your mom, but I do know lots of people with difficult relationships with their parents. You just got over a hurdle that isn't even on many peoples horizon yet. Congratulations!
Grama-Herc
Diamond Member
Iam,
The key to this, IMHO, is slow and easy. After being completely out of my daughters life completely for over 12 years and on her shit list because of the way my ptsd raised her, she called me, but only after having her baby.
That was almost 3 years ago and it has been a slow, bumpy ride. While I don't know the relationship between you and your mom, the one thing my daughter has done that may help you, is she let me know early on that she was not *going there*. She set her boundries early on. I crossed them a couple of times and she briefly cut me out again. It worked and we have slowly done well. Standing your ground and stating how you feel is a good thing. It helped us.
Just a few pearls of wisdom. psst I'm 63 and my kid is 40 so it is never to late.
The key to this, IMHO, is slow and easy. After being completely out of my daughters life completely for over 12 years and on her shit list because of the way my ptsd raised her, she called me, but only after having her baby.
That was almost 3 years ago and it has been a slow, bumpy ride. While I don't know the relationship between you and your mom, the one thing my daughter has done that may help you, is she let me know early on that she was not *going there*. She set her boundries early on. I crossed them a couple of times and she briefly cut me out again. It worked and we have slowly done well. Standing your ground and stating how you feel is a good thing. It helped us.
Just a few pearls of wisdom. psst I'm 63 and my kid is 40 so it is never to late.
- Post starter
- #8
Hi Herc,
Thanks for the words of wisdom. My mother has PTSD and her actions are some of the traumas that have caused mine. I stopped communicating with her for 10 years straight. I had set boundaries told her the consequences of each and stood by them. The boundary she crossed with my children was the one that ended our relationship. I cut off communication for the sake of my children. We re-established connection 3 years ago when my husband and I became empty nesters. Our sons were already back in communication with her and seemed to be doing ok. We did well for 2 years.
I am good with my boundaries in that if I suspect she has been drinking I disengage from the conversation. If she starts ripping into people I do the same. Unfortunately 4 times in the last year she has crossed boundaries. This last time she didn't rage but her cutting remarks forced me to make a decision not to go down with my granddaughters and friend for a visit. Surprisingly she actually left a voicemail apologizing and admitting that she had said wrong things. It's rare for her to take the blame for anything.
That being said and even though her voice has been calm in all of this, she is still manipulating and obviously doesn't get what she has done. For some reason she thinks she can call people viscous names or go into a rage and expect all to be forgiven and normal relations established. I realized yesterday that is the typical MO of an abuser. Abuse, apologize, say they'll never do it again and next thing you know they are.
My T and I are emailing back and forth about this and I am sure it will be a topic of our next converstation. The start of this last episode with my mom sent me into a tailspin. I handled her last call well, but know that I cannot afford to risk her rage. My mother's actions are the ones that are most likely to send me into suicidal ideation. I think that probably says a lot about whether I should be in contact with her or not. It's really a sad situation. I love her, I enjoy being with her and my step dad....I also know that even though she is better with me that this will happen again in the future. Got to figure out if clearly defining boundaries with her again is enough or do I need to just cut her out. SAD... I wish I was strong enough to be able to deal with her.
Thanks for the words of wisdom. My mother has PTSD and her actions are some of the traumas that have caused mine. I stopped communicating with her for 10 years straight. I had set boundaries told her the consequences of each and stood by them. The boundary she crossed with my children was the one that ended our relationship. I cut off communication for the sake of my children. We re-established connection 3 years ago when my husband and I became empty nesters. Our sons were already back in communication with her and seemed to be doing ok. We did well for 2 years.
I am good with my boundaries in that if I suspect she has been drinking I disengage from the conversation. If she starts ripping into people I do the same. Unfortunately 4 times in the last year she has crossed boundaries. This last time she didn't rage but her cutting remarks forced me to make a decision not to go down with my granddaughters and friend for a visit. Surprisingly she actually left a voicemail apologizing and admitting that she had said wrong things. It's rare for her to take the blame for anything.
That being said and even though her voice has been calm in all of this, she is still manipulating and obviously doesn't get what she has done. For some reason she thinks she can call people viscous names or go into a rage and expect all to be forgiven and normal relations established. I realized yesterday that is the typical MO of an abuser. Abuse, apologize, say they'll never do it again and next thing you know they are.
My T and I are emailing back and forth about this and I am sure it will be a topic of our next converstation. The start of this last episode with my mom sent me into a tailspin. I handled her last call well, but know that I cannot afford to risk her rage. My mother's actions are the ones that are most likely to send me into suicidal ideation. I think that probably says a lot about whether I should be in contact with her or not. It's really a sad situation. I love her, I enjoy being with her and my step dad....I also know that even though she is better with me that this will happen again in the future. Got to figure out if clearly defining boundaries with her again is enough or do I need to just cut her out. SAD... I wish I was strong enough to be able to deal with her.
Grama-Herc
Diamond Member
I see your point. I thank god I was diagnosed and now medicated to control my PTSD. Way back when, I was drinking and drugging and that is the same atmosphere my kid was raised in too. Except, I look at it this way, PTSD raised my kid, not me. I've told her that and validated her feelings and accepted responsiblity for what happened to her. After all, ill or not, I am the one who caused the damage.
Now that I have a handle on things, hopefully she will get to know the real me--the one that is responsible for her issues, the one who is really a very nice person and someone who has always loved her. I also hope she sees that I am now a responsible adult and not that drugged-drunk she remembers.
I hope someday you and your mother can smooth out the relationship between you, to a level you can handle.
Now that I have a handle on things, hopefully she will get to know the real me--the one that is responsible for her issues, the one who is really a very nice person and someone who has always loved her. I also hope she sees that I am now a responsible adult and not that drugged-drunk she remembers.
I hope someday you and your mother can smooth out the relationship between you, to a level you can handle.
- Post starter
- #10
I think you are doing awesome Herc. I think that part of our healing is owning up to what we have done, not just what was done to us. I have done that with my own sons and we are very, very close. I did some awful things when they were growing up. It was never my intent to hurt them, but I did just the same.
My mother still drinks and we never discuss the past issues I have with her. Hence.....there are still problems in our relationship.
My father, on the other hand, quit drinking and because of that he is stable and we have a very close relationship. When you consider that he was violent and even held a boulder over my head ready to kill me, I think it is proof that relationships can be restored! And you are well on your way Herc....that is absolutely wonderful ;o)
My mother still drinks and we never discuss the past issues I have with her. Hence.....there are still problems in our relationship.
My father, on the other hand, quit drinking and because of that he is stable and we have a very close relationship. When you consider that he was violent and even held a boulder over my head ready to kill me, I think it is proof that relationships can be restored! And you are well on your way Herc....that is absolutely wonderful ;o)
intothelight
Sponsor
Iam-It is great you were able to confront your mother directly and appropriately. Congratulations on keeping your own self-control.
Herc-It is wonderful you are re-establishing a relationship with your daughter. I've read and it humbles me so see the risk you take when you open your heart.
I have to deal with issues concerning my own mother, but you have given me views from both sides to consider.
ITL
Herc-It is wonderful you are re-establishing a relationship with your daughter. I've read and it humbles me so see the risk you take when you open your heart.
I have to deal with issues concerning my own mother, but you have given me views from both sides to consider.
ITL
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