I have decided through therapy to collect the history of my childhood trauma-arrest records, court records, photographs, and even references from some books. The goal is to retell the story im a blog on my terms. Or rather from perspective.
There is a lot about this that appeals to me as my family has rallied around my abuser and have used considerable effort to continue to abuse me.
However, doing so...issuing foia requests, copying passages from court proceedings, and diligently citing references from books is taxing.
I am not in an episode and thankfully not having flashbacks, just memories. But the more effort I put into this, the more horrible memories I have. Before I started this my memory had as many empty spots as most people with ptsd but now some of that is being filled in and the memories are not pleasant.
I not motivated out of revenge toward my primary abuser. He died alone in my arms two years ago. I am doing it because I want the truth out there. Neither will this be a scornful attack on my father or mother. It will simply be the truth and show my family and friends that there may be something wrong with me, but it is because what went on behind those closed doors.
Sometimes it was love. Sometimes it was extreme and terrifying violence. I was in the Army for 8 years and nobody held me at gunpoint more than my father. He was also sick. And grew to be a different man.
I apologize for venting so much, I guess I am asking is opening the pandoras box to reclaim my sense of self and honor worth the road I will have to travel to do it in this manner?
Thanks in advance.
There is a lot about this that appeals to me as my family has rallied around my abuser and have used considerable effort to continue to abuse me.
However, doing so...issuing foia requests, copying passages from court proceedings, and diligently citing references from books is taxing.
I am not in an episode and thankfully not having flashbacks, just memories. But the more effort I put into this, the more horrible memories I have. Before I started this my memory had as many empty spots as most people with ptsd but now some of that is being filled in and the memories are not pleasant.
I not motivated out of revenge toward my primary abuser. He died alone in my arms two years ago. I am doing it because I want the truth out there. Neither will this be a scornful attack on my father or mother. It will simply be the truth and show my family and friends that there may be something wrong with me, but it is because what went on behind those closed doors.
Sometimes it was love. Sometimes it was extreme and terrifying violence. I was in the Army for 8 years and nobody held me at gunpoint more than my father. He was also sick. And grew to be a different man.
I apologize for venting so much, I guess I am asking is opening the pandoras box to reclaim my sense of self and honor worth the road I will have to travel to do it in this manner?
Thanks in advance.
