Yea, I felt the same way. The, "How could I be such an IDIOT?" self talk was running rampant. If it makes you feel any better, I went to another COUNTRY with this friend. It took another part of the world to convince me. I had heard all about the job there, the friends there, the life they'd had there. How popular this person was, etc, etc. And then we visited the very place where this popularity supposedly was. Where the job supposedly had been. Where the great life had been. And not one person knew my friend. Not ONE. In a town the size of Mayberry. (or for that matter, in the entire COUNTRY!) I kept asking myself, how can that be? The house I'd heard all about was nonexistent. There was no desire to visit anyone at the job. The favorite pub where "everyone knows your name", showed absolutely NO recognition. HOW can that be? And then it hit me like a 2x4 between the eyes. IT CAN'T.
Reality hit thousands of miles from home with days left, and a very long plane ride back home. Talk about tense. All confrontations on the subject were met with lies and excuses. The manipulation and BS was so thick, you could cut it with a knife. And I felt like such a MORON, because it was all so suddenly in crystal clear focus. The worst part was, I already have such a hard time trusting people. Even when the PTSD is at it's absolute best, it's one thing that always has a grip. So my trust issues got the crap kicked out of them AGAIN. I needed that like a hole in the head.
I've stopped beating myself up so much. The bottom line is, people who do this thing are very skilled and practiced at it. They make a point of taking someone with a good heart and feeding from them, because they don't have one of their own. They've lived a whole lifetime this way, and become quite skilled in the ways of manipulation. I was kind to this person. I opened up my heart and my home to someone I thought needed a friend. While I may have done things in my life and made many decisions I wish I could change, having a good heart is not something I can regret. Nor is really wanting to see the good in people. To me, both those are signs that the PTSD has not won.
