Aahhhh! I Totally Feel Like Screaming ....

[Hemels]

Right thats it! My heads driving me mental :stupid: I really dunno if I am coming or going today. Everything I do to calm down doesn't work and triggers are everywhere. After only being back in work 1 week this started on Saturday morning again after my partner seemingly abandoned me. The fear of rejection and abandonment triggers my BPD, which in turn triggers my PTSD anxiety and it just ends up as a downward spiral. I have so many thoughts in my head I can't think of anything I need to at work. I just want to sit here and cry. Someone tell me I'm stupid or you understand please because i'm about to loose it :crazy:

I felt so bad yesterday I ended up self harming again - I'm not proud of it and my partner certainly wasn't happy with me. He now says he won't get married/ engaged to me till I stop it. Stop what? How I feel? God I wish I could just stop feeling like this ... life would be so much simpler. The way he said it tho made me again feel abandoned and low and behold it triggered me off worse and now thats all I hear going round and round and round my head - Aaahhhhh! I feel like everything but time it going at a million miles an hour. *cries* I know it sounds stupid and selfish but I want to be engaged to him as a constant reminder to me that he loves me and wants to be with me, I feel like that will help with the "He doesn't want to be with you" voices in my head but I dunno maybe that will make them worse or not have any effect at all :dontknow:

Someone, anyone please tell me or advise me regarding this, i'm going out of my mind at the moment. :wall:

Sorry everyone I really really really needed to get that off my chest

Hemmy xXx

 

[anni]

Oh my,
Yes, the abandonment thing, which triggers the lack of self worth, the shame, the fear and the loneliness.

Getting these things off your chest is really helpful. Someone 'out there' is listening, understanding so hence validating what you're going through. It's a small comfort, I know but perhaps helpful in regaining some equilibrium so everything doesn't feel so out-of-control.

It's so hard to do, but sometimes if you can turn that worthless, I'm-not-wanted feeling around in your head it's possible to get mad at it. It's not acceptable to you to think you're not 'worthy', or he doesn't want to be with you. It's a rotten way to live and maybe just getting plain mad at having your peace intruded on by the PTSD can help you take a 'stand' against it. Angry doesn't have to be out of control, or a negative thing. It's some kind of active emotion, I think. If you can channel it ( and believe me, I know this isn't always possible when you're being triggered all over the place) into positive action of some kind it won't get the better of you.

Facing your triggers is good, but too many at one time makes me just shut down, or spin out of control. Sometimes it will in turn trigger that awful thing you're having at the moment where one rotten thought seems to just take over your mind.

For now, maybe do yourself the kindness of affirmation. You are lovely, good and kind. You are trying terribly hard to make sense of your life and relationship while dealing with this dam PTSD. Perhaps just making peace with the 'what ifs' would still feel dreadful but in a non-destructive way. You can't control what he is feeling/thinking/doing in relation to you.Try to realize that it wouldn't be the disaster you think it would be if he really does want to check out of things at the moment. It's another tough, probably painful thought but life does go on, there is a future, peace and happiness for you after this moment is over.

Please don't feel I'm preaching, or be even more frustrated and overwhelmed if these thoughts do not ressonate with you. Everyone is so different in their reactions and at varying stages of healing and coping. At least do know that someone else has 'been there'. What works for me might sound terribly unhelpful to you!

Posting and reading here is always, always some kind of comfort, however, for me and I do hope it is for you.

Take care, and be seriously kind to yourself.

Anni

 

[shiraz]

Oh, you are working again! Well done! That is a big step and although I don;t have the experience of it, I have followed a few friend's journey with going back to work and I know it can be tough!

I understand. The abandonment issue is big for me too and I am working through a post around that as well. I am not sure the engagement/marriage will make a difference to things for us - that inner critic is always going to be there playing havoc and we have to learn to cut it down to size with affirmation (there are some useful ones on my blog). The I'm not worthy actions really need to go and that takes a lot of work in learning to love yourself and appreciate yourself.

I had to smile at the statement 'he will not marry me if I self harm' ..... mine had the same discussion with me :) I know how difficult that is. I have felt like self harming the last 48 hours and have ignored it - have you tried ice? Just hold ice in your hand and squeeze till you can't take it any more - burns like hell and rids me of my self harming need which is really a need to ground. For me it is also a need to get the evidence of my pain on the inside to the outside where it can be seen. I once took a pencil and scribbled all those guilt and critic voice's phrases on the wall, in an attempt to get them out of my head -scared my man when he saw it, but it really worked for me. next time I'll put poster paper on the wall before I do it and take it down before he gets to see it.

Take it easy on yourself and sort out where the fear and vulnerability is coming from - sounds like abandonment issues and then starting work again ... any others? Write them down and address each one. Remember that you are adult now and can take care of your own needs, you are at nobody's mercy. That child inside that wants reassurance can have reassurance through your own words to her. You have the task of protecting her now and ensuring that she has a safe place to run to whenever she is vulnerable. look after her. Let her know that you are safe and that she is safe.

Practically, I'd be taking a lot of short breaks at work. This will help to keep you grounded. I have some guided meditations on ipod and will even close myself into a bathroom cubicle and allow them to calm and center me for a few minutes before returning to the world.

The affirmations are a real help too, I have them on cards in my bag and carry them with me wherever I go.

Hope you are doing better soon. You will probably need lots of time out till you get used to the work routine again. Slowly does it!

lots of ((hugs))

 

[Hemels]

Hi Guys,

Thank you for your kind words, they calmed me down somewhat and I am feeling alot better today.

Don't worry anni I didn't take your post as preeching, infact the kind words I really related too.

Yes Shiraz I am back at work .. mostly returned because the boredom of sitting at home was making me feel worse and because we cannot afford me to stay off :naughty: But I see being back at work a blessing - I enjoy my job and It keeps me busy and fills my life with some enjoyment each day.

have you tried ice? Just hold ice in your hand and squeeze till you can't take it any more

No I haven't but now you mentioned it, it sounds like a really good idea. I will certainly be giving it a try next time. I really don't like ice but maybe that will go in my favour?

All hug (if wanted)

Hemmy xXx

 

[anni]

I'll always want hugs! :) I'd have to think most people here are the same way.

Lovely to hear you're feeling some better, but stay in touch here because hug-BACKS are always in reach.

Take care and hugs.. :)

Anni

 

[onebravegirl]

Hi there!
You seem like a very sweeet person. I wish Icould have been on this thread when you really needed support. I hope today is better for you,
O