Jilly, hon, get your butt to therapy like yesterday, okay? I feel your pain, but unfortunately you are the one who has to take care of it. I’ve had my moments of feeling like, yeah all these people did this cr*p to me, and I’m the one left to pick up the pieces. Well, that’s the hard truth. I am. And you are, too. I wish you the best.
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Abandonment by friends
- Post starter anthony
- Start date
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Only some, not all. Those who cannoot or will not walk through their own pain deny it in others. I think just taking a good look at Facebook, for example, you’re bound to find what’s acceptable as fluff discussion and what’s ignored as a mirror of this narcissistic era.
What frightens them from your need for even closer contact? I see this behavior everywhere, by family and friends, pushed on and encouraged by media and an attitude of selfishness in mostly civilized societies, others being closer and surviving together. It’s sad, against nature and the will and need to survive. If we could all just get over it, we would. I’m very sorry that you’re going through this. It’s not you, I see it as a huge problem fed into by the roots of new age teachings starting over 40 yrs ago. We all need each other, family, companionship and acceptance.
I lost all my close friends after social workers told them they believed I was a sexual risk to children. That was their interpretation of my secret sexual self harming behaviours, my acting out of scenes of abuse upon myself, recalled from childhood memories and fantasy based on actual events. The ‘expert’ commissioned to assess me later confirmed the source of my behaviours and concluded it was a form self harm and I did not present a risk, except to myself. Sadly too late for the loss friendships. Obviously the assessment should have taken place before social workers were allowed to express their personal and inexpert opinion to our friends. Too late. It’s over 5 years ago now. I still grieve very deeply for the loss of close friends, people I valued, loved and trusted. For a few years I lived in hope that they would come to realise the truth, and allow me to return to the fold. I hoped the fact that social services had closed the case, withdrawn all allegations, and I continued to live with my own sons, would be evidence enough that what was alluded about me was without foundation. Clearly evidence of being innocent is not enough and the old adage ‘no smoke without fire’ applies. The intensity of the loss I feel has not diminished, and my yearning to ‘put things right’ still haunts me. I don’t blame them, who wouldn’t react under the same circumstances. It was the exact reaction the two social workers wanted and engineered. My circumstances are different to the scenarios described in this article, but the last sentence sums up the honest truth.
Friendships end for any number of reasons.
I had a friend who moved away. It was not until saying goodbye, after many years, that she told me of her eating disorder and depression. Of course, she felt safe telling people, and she told everyone at once, and then made a new life someplace else. But I felt that perhaps she would have been better off telling me early on in the friendship. I would have been a supportive listener and a better friend if I had known her better.
It is impossible to know if telling someone the truth about ourselves will bring us closer together or end in losing the relationship. But if we fail to share a glimmer of the truth of who we are, then there is no opportunity for closeness.
If all we have is good boundaries, we have built our own prison around us. This is very challenging for me, as someone who is so afraid of people due to my experiences, to realize that there are pros and cons and ways to mitigate the risks, in every relationship. Navigating relationships of all kinds is a complex subject and has to be honed over a lifetime of learning. The relationship of someone to his or herself is yet another aspect of this that requires some mirroring in others.
For many with PTSD from child abuse, it wasn’t safe, even in utero, and we have felt truly alone and abandoned by the world forever. Nobody noticed or took any action at all, until high school, when I and a boy in my class were called out suddenly as examples of how abuse victims mascarade as normal, by try to “blend in.” It has been true that victims are either unnoticed or stigmatized, and almost never, helped or supported. It is placed on the victim to go out into this world that has ignored him or her and place trust in someone for help.
I have always had PTSD, so in a sense I never “had it.” It was just living to me. Life is a great challenge for those who didn’t get a proper start at all, and who have had to fight for survival from day one, not only for themselves, but their siblings and other parent sometimes as well, while having to hide it enough to protect the family’s reputation/income until it was safe to run away.
For me friendships have always been me not telling the non-traumatized friend anything they don’t want to hear because what I have to say for myself would be “unimaginable” to them. When I have friends who understand and have experienced real childhood traumatization, they have had to be downright deceptive, masking so much, that by middle age, they have lost the ability to be honest with anyone, least of all themselves.
For these reasons, I have actually let go of the illusion of “having friends” in favor of having relationships, real ones, with only a select few trusted people. When these people die, I will feel alone, but I will know who I am and won’t have had to that my whole life. I keep a professional persona, and a public one, but in my personal relationships, I am trying to be my real self, fragmented and all, and trying to lovingly knit what’s left of me into a whole person. Only select few people would or could be supportive in that process, so the circle is very small.
I agree with Anthony that sometimes it’s better to not throw this process into a place that not only can’t handle it, but will only retraumatize the sufferer by further abandonment into a viscous cycle. But this turns friends into quasi-acquaintances. They will begin to notice the distance, and that might be okay with them. Depending on the goal, such as keeping a few other families around for your family to socialize with, which I have tried, that might work for the family.
For me, it never has worked yet, so I let my family make their own individual friendships rather than a whole family. I am open to that, but so far, it has not been a very fulfilling endeavor. Invariably, I feel very triggered by someone’s treatment of their children or spouse, which I see as very disappointing or verging on abusive. I see it everywhere, very sensitive to it, so my standards are currently too unrealistic for this to work.
As I’m nearly 40, I think my kids will be too old by the time I have worked this out. But I just work on what I can work on and make the best of what my family has, each other, which is after all, most important to someone who never had a good family.
I had a friend who moved away. It was not until saying goodbye, after many years, that she told me of her eating disorder and depression. Of course, she felt safe telling people, and she told everyone at once, and then made a new life someplace else. But I felt that perhaps she would have been better off telling me early on in the friendship. I would have been a supportive listener and a better friend if I had known her better.
It is impossible to know if telling someone the truth about ourselves will bring us closer together or end in losing the relationship. But if we fail to share a glimmer of the truth of who we are, then there is no opportunity for closeness.
If all we have is good boundaries, we have built our own prison around us. This is very challenging for me, as someone who is so afraid of people due to my experiences, to realize that there are pros and cons and ways to mitigate the risks, in every relationship. Navigating relationships of all kinds is a complex subject and has to be honed over a lifetime of learning. The relationship of someone to his or herself is yet another aspect of this that requires some mirroring in others.
For many with PTSD from child abuse, it wasn’t safe, even in utero, and we have felt truly alone and abandoned by the world forever. Nobody noticed or took any action at all, until high school, when I and a boy in my class were called out suddenly as examples of how abuse victims mascarade as normal, by try to “blend in.” It has been true that victims are either unnoticed or stigmatized, and almost never, helped or supported. It is placed on the victim to go out into this world that has ignored him or her and place trust in someone for help.
I have always had PTSD, so in a sense I never “had it.” It was just living to me. Life is a great challenge for those who didn’t get a proper start at all, and who have had to fight for survival from day one, not only for themselves, but their siblings and other parent sometimes as well, while having to hide it enough to protect the family’s reputation/income until it was safe to run away.
For me friendships have always been me not telling the non-traumatized friend anything they don’t want to hear because what I have to say for myself would be “unimaginable” to them. When I have friends who understand and have experienced real childhood traumatization, they have had to be downright deceptive, masking so much, that by middle age, they have lost the ability to be honest with anyone, least of all themselves.
For these reasons, I have actually let go of the illusion of “having friends” in favor of having relationships, real ones, with only a select few trusted people. When these people die, I will feel alone, but I will know who I am and won’t have had to that my whole life. I keep a professional persona, and a public one, but in my personal relationships, I am trying to be my real self, fragmented and all, and trying to lovingly knit what’s left of me into a whole person. Only select few people would or could be supportive in that process, so the circle is very small.
I agree with Anthony that sometimes it’s better to not throw this process into a place that not only can’t handle it, but will only retraumatize the sufferer by further abandonment into a viscous cycle. But this turns friends into quasi-acquaintances. They will begin to notice the distance, and that might be okay with them. Depending on the goal, such as keeping a few other families around for your family to socialize with, which I have tried, that might work for the family.
For me, it never has worked yet, so I let my family make their own individual friendships rather than a whole family. I am open to that, but so far, it has not been a very fulfilling endeavor. Invariably, I feel very triggered by someone’s treatment of their children or spouse, which I see as very disappointing or verging on abusive. I see it everywhere, very sensitive to it, so my standards are currently too unrealistic for this to work.
As I’m nearly 40, I think my kids will be too old by the time I have worked this out. But I just work on what I can work on and make the best of what my family has, each other, which is after all, most important to someone who never had a good family.
J
Justaboutgivenup
I have not abandoned my friends, they have abandoned me. My bestest friend came to see me a day after being hospitalized after my suicide attempt. The purpose of the visit was to tell me she couldn’t be friends with me because it was upsetting. After I was raped two of my closest friends simply stop contacting me. Both had been assaulted as children like myself ( it was one of the things that brought us together). I say to myself my trauma likely triggered old feelings for them but I don’t know that for sure. My male friends simply cannot deal with my rape and don’t/can’t acknowledge it. I say to myself they’re uncomfortable but I don’t know for sure. What I do know is I have no real friends. None. Only “friends” who don’t know about my rape & complex ptsd (I was also sexual abused (4/5 to 8/9 years old). I’m scared to tell them for fear they may abandon me as well. My trauma is part of who I am and I want to be able to talk with a friend. I found the post made me feel worse about myself. I not pushing them away – I promise. They leave me. Everyone leaves.
J
Justaboutgivenup
I do have a good therapist and am medicated. But a therapist is not a friend. I’m so alone.
- Post starter
- Admin
- #21
anthony
Founder
You are correct, in that just being the victim is enough to push people away. You don’t need to do anything other than be abused, and others cannot handle it. It isn’t a fault issue, it’s a reality issue. People often don’t know how to handle someone with severe trauma. What do you say to someone who has been raped, tortured, or abused, when you haven’t experienced such a thing yourself? The victim mentality is not just about pushing people away, but also just being the victim by proxy opens all of us to such normal social inadequacies within our own experiences and psyche.
It is very true that to often understand something, you must have experienced it or something similar, in which the same or similar feelings are derived. In simple… life just sucks some times, and so do people.
You outline you have friends who you haven’t shared any traumatic aspects with. This pretty much proves the case between the exception and the rule. The rule is that people leave, the exception is finding someone who has the same experience and understands. Even they’re susceptible to leave, due to their own life issues or feelings.
F
FridayJones
One of the things I like about my friends, is that if I’m being an ass? They don’t tolerate it. Our friendship is not a blank check to treat them badly.
This doesn’t make them fair weather friends; these are people who will go to hell & back again without even being asked. But they will not brook bullshit. If I am treating them badly? That’s on me, and I need to check myself, unless I’m willing to sacrifice the friendship.
How we treat people? How we allow other people to treat us? These are interlinked in a way I don’t have words for.
This doesn’t make them fair weather friends; these are people who will go to hell & back again without even being asked. But they will not brook bullshit. If I am treating them badly? That’s on me, and I need to check myself, unless I’m willing to sacrifice the friendship.
How we treat people? How we allow other people to treat us? These are interlinked in a way I don’t have words for.
Hi there,
Just been reading through all of this. Thank you so much for saying all the things you did. I was beginning to blame myself for being friendless. I know my faults and that I miss trust people and always see the worst in them before /if any good.
I have always felt like a bad person as I don’t have friends.
I isolate whilst I am feeling really bad. I isolate as I can no longer hide my true self and the pain I feel. This only seeing people when I am stable enough too. In that I do not lean on people or put all my troubles onto them.
You are an inspiration. I have suffered bullying at work I left because I was too frightened to confront the person. I don’t deal with things like that as I don’t want to loose my temper and have a PTSD outburst.
It leaves me with more unresolved issues.
Thank you for sharing your points.
It has made me breath again.
Stay strong my friend.
G x
Teddy da Bear
New Here
This initial view is wrong. We are not pushing others away to keep a victim
mentality.
We are abandoned by all around us because we now live in a self-serving society,
where people believe their wants, needs and desires are more important than
any other person.
The author fails to understand abandonment.
mentality.
We are abandoned by all around us because we now live in a self-serving society,
where people believe their wants, needs and desires are more important than
any other person.
The author fails to understand abandonment.
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