Abandonment Issues - Seems We All Have It?

[Bloomy]

Thats whats been striking me being here on this sight. Sooner or later in some conversation this issue comes up. We seems to be so scared of not being good enough. Of not having our needs met. Of being neglected. Not wanted. Left with to many scars on our souls. Feeling of being unworthy and unlovable.

Ive been reading a whole lot of books on psykologi and all related, but of some reason Ive not looked into exactly this issue. Before today. Maybe beacause Its been to hurtful? Feeling of nothing I can do about it anyway? I was born alone and so I will die?

Until I talked again with some one here about it today.

So I asked my friend google about it. Google said there is something called abandonment recovery. Wow - I didnt know that. Is it really something called recovery for that too?

Ill have to investigate more about it. Even do it seems to me I have some real issues of grieving to do. The grieve of a family that never was and never could be. I allready had a funeral for my "mom" but it seems I need more funerals for the rest of them. Maybe it is so that my anger has comed in my way of grieving?
Like the anger with oldest "sister" saying that a little sexual abuse never hurt anyone? And this rage comes in the way of grieving that I can never have anything to do with such persons with such toxic attitude towards the things that has destroyed me in the past?

And is it now maybe time to let this all go? Is it so that these wounds of attachment that should have been but couldnt be is holding me back from healing?

What is your experience and or thoughts on this issue?

Sorry if this post seems messy. Just need to get it out before I loose the courage.

 

[Fadeaway]

Thanks for posting. I know I do. I think even not getting the support you need after trauma can cause abandonment issues even if the person was still around. They abandoned you emotionally. While I have full on abandonment issues for very obvious reasons, I think I struggle much more with the emotional abandonment.

 

[Ava Jarvis]

This is a great insight, @Bloomy.

I have very terrible abandonment issues. So many people didn't understand and turned away because my circumstances were inexplicable to them and they didn't like that and weren't prepared for it.

I'm not sure if I can file the issues I have from people betraying me under abandonment or loss of trust. It feels like both.

 

[Bloomy]

Fade - for me these two are intertwined somehow. I grew up with a family still I grew up all alone. Thats also what Im saying about my sis. She left me emotionally even do she was there fysically.
And this goes to what you @Ava Jarvis says. When people dont understand they dont even try to understand, but instead also leave fysically. Sometimes. Being traumatized seems to leave us alone cause people can not and will not comprehend.

I will as said investigate more on this. Abandonment in all ways, but also how to as good as its possible do some effort to heal.

 

[Snowflake]

I feel like my abandonment issues are crippling....but I am sure it's all the other feelings of ptsd that add to it. I know that didn't make sense. :)

 

[Sideways]

For the most part, I don't let people get close enough to abandon me (not the recommended coping strategy for an abandonment issue!). It's part of a broader 'trust' issue for me: people hurt you, or they abandon you, or both.

Still, as sheltered as I keep myself, there's still some that slip through the cracks. Despite their professional knowledge of my issues, I still don't think docs really understand how much damage they do when they abandon you. That's not always how the relationship ends with me and my doc, but there's been a couple where I think it's fair to say it was flat out abandonment. Long time before that wound is gonna heal.

I'd like to think one day it won't be an issue for me. I'd also like to think that one day I'll be able to do the whole healthy 'trust' thing... But I'm not holding my breath.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Yep....sure do have it....

 

[Leigh925]

Right there with you! I guess I always felt like the things in my family and the things that happened to me....said something about me. I was somehow flawed...."how could a mother not love her own daughter? What was wrong with me?" I am just now learning that it didn't have anything to do with me. She wasn't capable of it and it wouldn't have mattered how great a kid I was or was not, how pretty I was or was not, how talented I was or was not. Her response would have been the same.

I felt the same about the abuse. I felt like I had some sort of X on my forehead announcing to the world that I was easy prey. What does it say about me that I was molested as a child and then raped as a teenager. I am slowly learning that it wasn't about me. It was about the sick and selfish minds of others.

But the repercussions of those things definitely go along with what you are talking about.

It is just really hard to fix that mindset but I am really working hard at it.

 

[noaloha]

Abandonment issues seem pretty universal, especially for those with trauma. Trust issues in particular.

I tend to push people away before they have a chance to leave me, thinking that someone "better" is right around the corner, and that they'll suddenly realise how awful I am. I cover my feelings so that the person will not get sick of me and leave. I have this belief that I'm a monster, and that whoever sticks around is doing it out of pity.

My therapist asked me a few weeks ago if I felt safe with myself. I realised that the answer is no. Why? Because the feelings I work hard to suppress around others come out when I'm by myself. A mean voice comes up and tells me feeling is wrong, and I am being selfish for it. There is shame and guilt surrounding loneliness and involuntary terror wells up when I am alone with just "me"--someone I've been taught is helpless and weak. Therefore if I am abandoned, I will not be able to take care of myself. But that's a myth I'm trying to dispel.

Its not an option for someone like me to just get out my emotions or "let it out" casually. It's an exhausting ordeal whenever I get triggered. And I get triggered. By. Everything. But I have to remind myself that no feelings are wrong. it's tough.

I've been trying to find a new voice lately. A safe voice, and a voice that's mine. I have a stuffed animal that I talk to and a journal that I write in where I practice telling myself I'm safe, over and over again. It's so funny because there is a part of me that doesn't believe it, a part of me still ashamed and afraid of myself. Working on finding a loving and safe voice coming from me seems to be my best tool at the moment. Sort of acting as the parent I never had for myself.

Bottom line is that there are too many people in this world for us to ever be truly alone. For me, this community is a great place to fall back on while I'm learning to trust myself.

This thread is really important, and I think so many people can relate. Sending hugs to you if you accept, thank you for posting this!

 

[Snowflake]

Abandonment issues seem pretty universal, especially for those with trauma. Trust issues in particular....

Thank you noaloha

 

[Go Hungry]

Swimming in abandonment issues.

Yesterday I did something catastrophically stupid. I told somebody the truth. My girlfriend, who I really dig, and honestly love.. Asked me a very loaded question. "Why is it that whenever I bring up the idea of Forever, you get all evasive?" Now the quick, easy, and quite sincere answer is just "Hey, we haven't been together -that- long, and this Forever talk is a little creepy at this juncture." Still a dumb answer, because there is really no good answer to such a question..

Anyways, I decide instead to tell her the deep down truth: That I don't believe in Forever.. that because of my experiences in life, I can't put any faith in the idea that 'things will work out okay'... that the only thing that can be counted on is chaos and destruction... Her reaction was not pleasant.

Even now, I'm being overly dramatic. But that's how I am inside. Dramatic. I assign some stupendous importance to myself and my experiences... I focus on my traumas and issues and build them up so big and then fixate on them... other people get run over in the process. The truth of the matter, I often feel, is that I'm too goddamn monstrous, too vain, too selfish, too pompous and manipulative and suspicious to ever properly love or trust somebody.

Seriously, every good thing I do in life, I only do because "it's the right thing'... Never because I feel it. I'm so jaded and bitter... the only way to interact with the world is to pretend I'm a decent person instead of a demon wrapped in human skin.

Sorry if I rambled, I'm just kinda freaked out. She's taken all of this really personal, and I don't know what to do about it.

 

[Bloomy]

@Go Hungry - forever is such a immature cliche. My opinion. I mean hey some one could be hit by a truck the very next second so what up with that? I can say - I like you really much and I want to be with you as much as possible - that gives another sense. Or any thing like that. Forever is such a barbie thing. And I say that with out my abandonment issues. Just being real.

Yeah its easy to be bitter when all the illusiones are taken away. Dont mind the rant. I do so oftten my self it seemts. But nowadays Ive decided to to a better effort to shield my self from the worlds madness and look for what gives me calm and soothes my frinzy nerves. Nature and the lovable puddle doodle boy Bobbie Joy is certainly among Books and accept of quiet times. Pull a little back from the alarm of the world around.