DID About believing parts of you are real

[Hope4Now]

Just wondering if anybody who struggles with dissociated parts has advice for getting in touch with them and believing that what they show you is real.

I've been stuck with trying to connect with a child part for months now. Have made painfully slow incremental progress through sheer will and knowing I need to do it, but have realized that what's really in the way is that another part (a powerful part) refuses to believe this child part exists and that what she's trying to show me is real--says I'm making it all up. And another part is terrified to accept that it's real. Her communication comes in body memories that are REALLY intense, and in images and voices. "I" have the memory of what happened from what this child part has shown me over the past six months, but "I" still don't believe it despite all this apparent evidence to the contrary. I'm one of those odd folks who repressed memory of childhood stuff for decades. It has come out as disabling chronic pain.

I'm really struggling with this. This child part is so stuck that I have daily flashbacks and intrusive memories and all sorts of other stuff related. It's rather like re-living the apparent? real? trauma over and over again. I don't think it's going to stop until I can find a way to believe it's real.

 

[Chava]

Maybe just like loving-kindness messages, like those meditations you say over and over until you feel something change? My back is like another person...or the pain there is...my feeling towards it is like my feelings toward my little kid self. I want to shut it away and it's like kicking and screaming at me. In good moments I acknowledge I want to take care of my back (like it's still separate from me, but I want to get to know it better first...then maybe we can be together later). In therapy I can lay on my back (already helping it because that's most restful) and not feel too creeped out, but just let my hands claw or shake or whatever...I can feel them talking for my back, so at least my back will connect to my hands. I can't explain what is going on in there because we are disconnected and don't have communication most of the time. But I was able to allow it through my arms.

This all sounds insane. Not sure if any of it is helpful. But maybe it would help to think less about the child and more directly about the pain, or body part, and feel it as "not you" but also "you"...something you don't feel connected to but want to someday feel like you are all one piece, without pain.

Also, what would the child need from you? Protection? Is there something you can do that would help all parts of you remember that you are safe now?

I had a dream about a young girl (several, but this was the first one where I was actually acting in the dream vs watching from the outside). The little girl always represents me. But in this dream it was the little girl me and the big current me. The little girl was annoying and needy. I set it up so my dog would attack and kill her. I turned away so I didn't have to see it. I turned back and my dog had just chewed up her hands badly and laid down. The girl was well alive but with bloody hands. I wished I hadn't even gotten involved, but then I knew I had to take her to the ER. So it was bizarre, but it was the real life reluctance I feel...as it plays out in my dreams, it becomes more real...how I've worked out this weird stuff and now I am the one protecting that little girl...and it was never her fault. I can take her (and me) to the hospital now.

 

[somethingsomething]

Weird. I never thought about my own issues in that regard, but that would make a lot of sense. Since I've truly recognized my abuse, it has felt very distant in a lot of ways. And yet, in so many ways, so obviously painful. And I never thought about it in terms of not being able to accept or connect my inner child, but I think you're on to something with that. And it makes sense - by not connecting/accepting that side of you, you can't truly accept/connect to the abuse either.

I know my therapist keeps recommending that I write to my inner child, but I kept refusing. Mainly because I thought it sounded stupid, haha, but I'm starting to understand why she recommended that. Maybe try that?

 

[Leigh925]

A lot of the inner child work felt stupid to me too! In fact I refused to do it for the longest time. My symptoms kept get worse and I finally was at my wits end and decided to try some of it.....much to my surprise the crazy stuff worked!

One of things I did and do is lay down for a while and visualize all of my parts. I let them all know that they are all welcome and all of them are safe. I have one part that is kind of angry and exiled and that includes her too.

It sounds stupid but basically it is a football coach's lockeroom pep talk before the big game. We all have strengths. We all have weaknesses..,that is why each one of us is vital. We are in this together...

I do it weekly or when I feel like there is not cooperation somewhere and it is holding me back.

Sounds kind of out there but it works for me. Of course admitting and discussing parts was out there enough for me so I am kind of getting over the hestitation of trying stuff I wouldn't before.

 

[ghotiff]

Also, what would the child need from you? Protection? Is there something you can do that would help all parts of you remember that you are safe now?

This spoke to me. My child part needs me to stop blaming her for not taking more action to protect herself.

I did journaling to my inner child and to work out what to say, I googled and read others journals. I realised that phrases like "I forgive you" and "I love you" I was not ready to write or believe, but it showed me where I need to get to...not there yet though.

I also did the left hand, right hand technique and my inner child "told" me that they weren't ready to talk to me (yet?). It was weird, but interesting.

Maybe these ideas would help. But for me, a lifetime of suppression will not be undone quickly.

 

[amy4k]

Have you asked the powerful part why s/he needs to deny the memories so strongly? I have the same situation going on in a way. I have a child part that was neglected and ignored. A lot of my depersonalization symptoms reside in this child part. To help her I have to allow myself to be open to attention, love and care from others. But, I have an older teen part, whom while doesn't deny what happened to us does believe that being more open will only end up in hurting us again, because she suffered from physical/sexual abuse. So my T and I go back and forth between the two parts trying to get both to understand we are safe and it is okay. But, we have to work with the older part so that the younger one can be allowed to express her needs without being stopped by the older part.

 

[Hope4Now]

Thank you all for writing back. I am doing a lot of trying to be with all these parts. Occasionally I get little moments of clarity, but everything closes up again quite fast. Some of you talk about helping parts know it's safe. How do you do that? Mine just won't accept that there is not imminent threat any time I'm tuned into myself.

This all sounds insane. Not sure if any of it is helpful.

Is there something you can do that would help all parts of you remember that you are safe now?

Chava, it totally does NOT sound insane at all. At least, by that I mean that it all sounds very familiar. Sometimes I think I'm insane, but then I hear from other people so many similar things it helps me understand that a lot of these seemingly insane things are understandable ways our selves have managed to hold trauma so we can survive. It is helpful to know that other people have all this chaos going on inside them too. I WISH there were something I could do to help all my parts feel safe. I never fee safe, and I'm just used to slogging through life that way because I'm not sure I know what safe actually feels like anyway. This is probably a big part of my problem. Your dream is pretty intense. I get it because I have the same sort of split thing where I somehow let my parts get hurt over and over again, but then I try to help them. It's a repetitive cycle.

My child part needs me to stop blaming her for not taking more action to protect herself.

my inner child "told" me that they weren't ready to talk to me (yet?)

Ghotiff, I know you're right. There's part of me that blames my stuck child part for not being able to protect herself. Ridiculous, given the situation, but the feelings are there anyway. This particular stuck child part has made it quite clear that she doesn't want help from me. She wants help, but not from me. Argh.

To help her I have to allow myself to be open to attention, love and care from others.

So my T and I go back and forth between the two parts trying to get both to understand we are safe and it is okay. But, we have to work with the older part so that the younger one can be allowed to express her needs without being stopped by the older part.

Amy4k this sounds so familiar. I know I need to be open to love and care from others, but I just can't most of the time because of lots of really frightened parts. I do the therapy dance too...working to get some parts to give some space so other ones can communicate better. It seems like a neverending process...every time one gives some space, another jumps in. I can't seem to convince any of them that it is actually safe to stop working so hard to protect me.

I truly don't know what I'm so afraid of. Too many parts stuck in the past and not enough of me in the present to convince them it's safe, I suppose. Anyway, thanks all. Really heartfelt thanks.

 

[ghotiff]

Just thoughts....

Maybe your child self was told that they were "safe" when clearly they weren't. If so, then this part will never believe such a blanket statement. Maybe try smaller statements like...I would like you to feel safer, our T is safe, dance is safe, and I am here if you feel scared and can help you in ways that I couldn't when we were younger.

 

[shell]

My inner child responded better to, I am here for you now, I hear what you say, and I am listening and I care.

I too really struggled to accept what the parts of me that know, tell me. Some of the memories that I was having flashbacks about, even some that I was able to varify, were even really difficult to accept. Struggling and fighting them and the body memories, made me self distruct, severely depressed, and self implode for several years. It was destroying my family, my life and my ability to function. Fighting it, achieved nothing.

I found inner peace with them, when I accepted that it was entirely possible they were true, but due to the time that has passed it is something I can never really know. They are neither true nor false, they are simply something I need to acknowledge, that as a child my life was really difficult, and as a result have blanked out large chunks of known (externally varified) abusive memories, and unknown memories, and to process and deal with the emotions that relate to what is actually occurring right here and now.

My nightmares of sexual abuse, rape and being attacked that lasted for years stopped, as did the flashbacks of being raped, when I stopped fighting the parts of me that know the truth, and dealt with the way I felt about myself, because even when the memories had gone, the methods of coping that were destructive and self harming still remained. I had always known I was abused, I just had blanked out the extent of it, and it was very confronting having a new truth coming from within. Self compassion made a big difference to the way I relate to the parts of me that hold the pain of abuse, when I stopped attacking and started supporting, I was more open to seeing the truth rather than the lies I was fed about myself and my role in the abuse.

 

[Hope4Now]

Wow, @shell, thank you for writing this, sharing this. Thank you.

 

[shimmerz]

I have done my best to 'trust the process' and 'trust my inner voice'. I dealt with the flashbacks knowing that eventually they would lead me to the next thing I was meant to process. I would have a break for a few days and then something else would rise up (slightly different in nature). That to me, meant progress. If my inner voice said I wasn't ready for something yet, I followed it. Can you tune into what your inner self is saying about these flashbacks? Can you remember a time that you dealt with these types of flashbacks and made progress? I am not certain if this makes sense to anyone but me - sorry if it doesn't.