About To Lose My Marriage, Any Advice?

[Dubah]

Hello everyone,

This seems strange for me, but I am reaching out for help seeing as my wife is really struggling with my condition. My many combat tours have left me nearly helpless it seems. I love my wife to death, and don't want to lose her, my problem is I've changed over the years since we met. When we met, I had very minor PTSD symptoms, and lately they've just gotten worse and worse. My wife tells me I'm not affectionate enough, and it's so bad that she feels useless around the house. Sadly, I try to express how much she helps me, but sadly affection is what I've strayed away from for some reason.

To explain, I did multiple combat tours, I have scarring on the memory side of my brain, which is causing me to forget tons of things. Over the years I developed trust issues, and the worst part is the anger issues. Luckily, I don't lose control so bad that I hurt anyone, but I do tends to break things and put holes in the walls, turn around and repair as much damage as I can. I do work with the VA to try to get my symptoms reduced, but it never seems to help. I feel alone sometimes, I know my wife understands and wants to be there, but the feelings I get sometimes are hard to explain. The biggest one is the feeling of thinking I'm better off dead or on my own, and it is really hurting my relationship.

So my question would be, what would you recommend to help these things out? I want to show my wife some well deserved affection, but it's difficult. I want to kiss her and hold her, but sometimes I feel like I'm less of a man if I do that. So I've tried many different ways of trying to get around it, such as doing extra chores around the house, and I just bought her the van of her dreams, but she still wants that affection. Has anything worked out for anyone else? Is there any tips or advice or something I can try that I can get in my head it's ok? I don't want my wife to feel alone, I love her to death and if I lose her then I really have nothing left to live for. Hopefully someone can help.

Thanks in advance

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Welcome.
Nothing wrong with reaching out for help what so ever glad you have.
I however need work in this department as well lol, so surely another member will have more experience on this topic then I do.

Best of luck.
Black.

 

[atilla]

One of the hardest things for me to do was show affection to family and my spouse. I am married to my 4th wife now, who is my best friend and knows what pts has done to me. She hung in there for me and finally, I came to terms with the fact that I need that emotional connection. It was always there, I just needed to accept the fact that someone does care and love me for me. It was hard to accept, still is sometimes, but I had to quit being that hardass grunt toward my wife. When we find one willing to stand beside us through all the bullshit that pts gives, reach out, grab a hold and hang on to her Brother. Even if there is one person on the planet who's willing to go the distance with us, we win. Its hard to let someone love you, but you can do it..just takes some work on our part..Best of luck Bro.

 

[Grizzly]

Intimacy and affection is difficult. It involves things like trust and letting go of your control. It takes you out of a comfort zone.

This is something I struggle with also and as I imagine many other people with PTS. You have to start asking yourself what is there to loose if you give affection? Write it down. Pros? Cons? Create a mission and challenge your own beliefs on why you think you are less of a man if you show her affection. Write those beliefs down and then ask yourself if they make sense.

Have you looked into some type of couples therapy? Have you spoken to your therapist about these thoughts.

 

[Friday]

5Love Languages, bro. God I f*cking hate these lame ass names. But it's badass common sense:

- Physical Touch (Not just sex)
- Gifts
- Acts of Service (that's the helping round the house)
- Quality Time
- Words of Affirmation (another lame ass name)

Most people do a little bit of all 5, but what really hits them in their core? What makes them melt on one hand, feel solid on the other? How they both give & feel love? Is usually in 1 or 2 areas.

Sounds like she wants Physical Touch & Talking Sweet, and you wanna Give Gifts & perform Acts of Service. Crossed wires. Message ain't being received. Say again. On the right frequency this time.

Pick one of her 2, and bang it out, for real.

Build her up until she is damn bulletproof and invisible (talk her up, leave notes around the house, write in spit on your bathroom mirror, send no reason texts, words words words. They've got power. Use em), or make sure some part of you is touching her at ever opportunity. For real, it ain't just sex. Took me a helluva long time to wrap my head around that one, but it's true. Lean up against her while watching a movie, every time you walk by brush pass, place the hand on the small of her back / stake claim 'round others (but if you only touch her around others? $50 says she'll notice and get pissed), play with her hair, hook a leg over hers (I do this one when I can't stand to be touched, otherwise/need to be free to move). Something. Anything. MaBell, man. Reach out and touch someone.

 

[Friday]

Oh... The beating the shit outta your house? Stop that. Buy a damn heavy bag & some floor mats, and mind your bearing for the 8 seconds it takes to walk your happy ass to that area ...and turn venting rage into something that's healthy & good for ya. Something that you can do every damn day, that helps vent stress & shape discipline, instead of something you keep bottling up & bottling up until it explodes, and you're having to screw another damn 2x4 onto a piece of drywall to patch the hole.

:) Welcome to the forum

 

[Sludge]

5Love Languages, bro. God I f*cking hate these lame ass names. But it's badass common sense:

- Physical Touch (Not just sex)
- Gifts
- Acts of Service (that's the helping round the house)
- Quality Time
- Words of Affirmation (another lame ass name)

Most people do a little bit of all 5, but what really hits them in their core? What makes them melt on one hand, feel solid on the other? How they both give & feel love? Is usually in 1 or 2 areas.

Sounds like she wants Physical Touch & Talking Sweet, and you wanna Give Gifts & perform Acts of Service. Crossed wires. Message ain't being received. Say again. On the right frequency this time.

Pick one of her 2, and bang it out, for real.

Build her up until she is damn bulletproof and invisible (talk her up, leave notes around the house, write in spit on your bathroom mirror, send no reason texts, words words words. They've got power. Use em), or make sure some part of you is touching her at ever opportunity. For real, it ain't just sex. Took me a helluva long time to wrap my head around that one, but it's true. Lean up against her while watching a movie, every time you walk by brush pass, place the hand on the small of her back / stake claim 'round others (but if you only touch her around others? $50 says she'll notice and get pissed), play with her hair, hook a leg over hers (I do this one when I can't stand to be touched, otherwise/need to be free to move). Something. Anything. MaBell, man. Reach out and touch someone.

Do everything these folks say. Also go get outside help for yourself ASAP.

If you are in the US, call the veteran's crisis line and talk to them.

You cant *fix* her, but you sure as hell can focus on training yourself to be better.

Is clice, but work on yourself and everything gets better.

Show her you are not ready to give up by doing what you know you need to do.

 

[vikingr24]

I read over these thoughts and I can't help but think, however sappy a thought, of a phrase my old lady used to say. Bring love into your life. Not just love for other people but for yourself. From there all things flow naturally.

 

[DMONEY2012]

Hello everyone,

This seems strange for me, but I am reaching out for help seeing as my wife is really struggling with my condition. My many combat tours have left me nearly helpless it seems. I love my wife to death, and don't want to lose her, my problem is I've changed over the years since we met. When we met, I had very minor PTSD symptoms, and lately they've just gotten worse and worse. My wife tells me I'm not affectionate enough, and it's so bad that she feels useless around the house. Sadly, I try to express how much she helps me, but sadly affection is what I've strayed away from for some reason.

To explain, I did multiple combat tours, I have scarring on the memory side of my brain, which is causing me to forget tons of things. Over the years I developed trust issues, and the worst part is the anger issues. Luckily, I don't lose control so bad that I hurt anyone, but I do tends to break things and put holes in the walls, turn around and repair as much damage as I can. I do work with the VA to try to get my symptoms reduced, but it never seems to help. I feel alone sometimes, I know my wife understands and wants to be there, but the feelings I get sometimes are hard to explain. The biggest one is the feeling of thinking I'm better off dead or on my own, and it is really hurting my relationship.

So my question would be, what would you recommend to help these things out? I want to show my wife some well deserved affection, but it's difficult. I want to kiss her and hold her, but sometimes I feel like I'm less of a man if I do that. So I've tried many different ways of trying to get around it, such as doing extra chores around the house, and I just bought her the van of her dreams, but she still wants that affection. Has anything worked out for anyone else? Is there any tips or advice or something I can try that I can get in my head it's ok? I don't want my wife to feel alone, I love her to death and if I lose her then I really have nothing left to live for. Hopefully someone can help.

Thanks in advance

I'm sorry you're going through this messed up crap of the world battle. I have similar issues with my wife and I found that just telling her what goes through my head some times helps her understand why am not always affectionate or loving as I want to be. Men are simple creatures who can literally look at the tv and be thinking about nothing . We can be fulfilled by stuff, cars , tvs, video games etc. Women are all about feelings and then material things which makes it difficult to connect but f*ck being a "man" who cannot show affection . I realized once I was honest with her about how I felt things are getting better . If your wife cannot or will not try to understand then it might be time to look for a new woman . I felt like no woman would or could understand me then I went online and found a woman who loves and cares about me with my problems and quirks . So I'm not trying to tell you to leave but there are options and it is never the end. No matter how bad things get ending it is never the answer buddy . There are many of us feeling less than or worthless but we are warriors that lived through he'll and are the strongest men of our generation brother . I pray that you receive this message and understand what I'm talking about and it gives you a sliver of hope . I'm sorry you are down and out but things are always changing and with time all wounds become more manageable . Good luck to you brother and GOD bless.

 

[Raven]

Why do you feel like "less of a man" when you're affectionate towards her? I'm actually curious.