Muttly
Diamond Member
So, I still have troubles thinking of my brother as abusive. He is 4.5 years older than me, and built like a football player. I, sadly, am a tiny guy. So there was always a massive size difference as well as the age difference.Some part of my brain knows it's true, but over and over (and over and over) I heard it was sibling rivalry. Sometimes my parents would stop it, but even then it wasn't really seen as a problem. And ok, sometimes it was bad. He knocked out a tooth, dislocated my thumb, gave me a concussion and a couple times I legitimately thought I was going to die. Once may have been an accident, but the other time there was pure intent. And I am fairly sure he's the one who pushed me in the swimming pool when I was very young.
Ok, I ended up writing a lot, if you don't want to read it all, skip to the last paragraph (or two).
And, of course, there was all the teasing. I have no idea where teasing stops being teasing and becomes bullying or abuse. My whole family teased. They picked away at your mistakes and failures. He constantly told me how much better he was than me.
There was also the... the only word I can think of is stalking but that doesn't seem right. He'd wait around corners and scare me.Or he'd have his fist out so that when I came around the corner, his fist would be right there at my face. I have very limited peripheral vision (I have all sorts of vision issues) so this was easy to do. He'd follow me when I was outside sometimes, to scare me or make fun of me.
There was the time when the physical stuff had been really bad. I was sick of it. I read a novel where a character had a somewhat similar brother and he let his brother break his arm instead of giving in. After that his brother was scared of him. I decided to do the same. So when my brother had me on the ground and was pulling my arm back, I said nothing. It's strange, because I remember having this really calm though, as the tension increased, "oh, it's not your arm, it's your shoulder that breaks." I might have been able to do it, if he'd kept going but at the point where the resistance was super great, so that it was obvious to go further would break something, he stopped. He didn't let go, he just held it there. I tried to wait him out but all the while the pain was getting worse and finally I gave in and said whatever he wanted to say.
Well, and since I've gone this far. There were the games. Some was typical boy stuff, arm burns and things like that. Some, were normal games, but with extra violence added in. Like the hand slap game. Where you have to try to pull back your hands fast enough. He'd slap as hard as he could, intending to hurt. If you didn't play, the name calling would begin. And we would play football or a similar type of game. I was always the smallest and youngest playing. If I was getting tackled, the other guys, would hit just as hard as needed. They knew I was a little guy. My brother, hit me harder than anyone. That's how I ended up with a concussion.
Ok, I'm skipping a "game". Not sure why I am having so much trouble with this. He would cover my mouth with his hand. Ok, that could be legitimate play. But sometimes it wasn't and sometimes he'd pinch my nose close so I couldn't breath. The time I thought I was going to die, we'd been having a pillow fight. There's a part I don't remember, but it had moved from play to something else. I was down on the ground, the hits had been so hard. I may have gone down just to end the game. Then he put the pillow over my face and pushed down until I couldn't breath at all. I kept waiting for him to stop and wishing I could speak so I could tell him I couldn't breath. And then there was the point where everything inside was screaming (hard to explain) and I knew I wasn't going to be conscious much longer, and I believed I was going to die. That my brother had lost his restraint and there was no hope. The next thing I remember is sucking in air. When I could finally breath enough to talk, I said "you could have killed me". He said no, but he was super scared.
The thing is, he was also great. He protected me from the dad's anger and violence. He taught me things. In a lot of ways, he was more invested in teaching me, and helping me grow and be me than my parents. We played together a lot and had great and fun adventures. And my dad was especially awful to him, so I always figured that my brother was awful to me because of that. And he was super charismatic. He was funny and daring and could charm anyone if he wanted too. He was super smart and liked thinking about things and debating. I thought of him as my hero, which feels super embarrassing now.
All this has come to the surface because I've made friends with a guy at work who reminds me a lot of my brother. He's charismatic, smart, funny, and has been teaching me how to do my job better. He's all the good parts of my brother. But maybe he also has some of the bad parts too. He teases me. He teases everyone, but I guess I get more of it. And everyone teases me. I guess I invite teasing, but maybe he does more? Or can be a bit meaner? Or maybe it's just that I sometimes have bad days and then can't laugh it off? I also know he hits his brother. And we've been talking to our therapist and now I'm doubting the healthiness of this relationship and all this brother stuff is stirred up. And then yesterday(?) was sibling day and folks on Facebook were posting pictures of them with their siblings and saying nice stuff about them and meh. I'm not even sure what I want from this post. It's just been so much in my head (and nightmares).
Ok, I ended up writing a lot, if you don't want to read it all, skip to the last paragraph (or two).
And, of course, there was all the teasing. I have no idea where teasing stops being teasing and becomes bullying or abuse. My whole family teased. They picked away at your mistakes and failures. He constantly told me how much better he was than me.
There was also the... the only word I can think of is stalking but that doesn't seem right. He'd wait around corners and scare me.Or he'd have his fist out so that when I came around the corner, his fist would be right there at my face. I have very limited peripheral vision (I have all sorts of vision issues) so this was easy to do. He'd follow me when I was outside sometimes, to scare me or make fun of me.
There was the time when the physical stuff had been really bad. I was sick of it. I read a novel where a character had a somewhat similar brother and he let his brother break his arm instead of giving in. After that his brother was scared of him. I decided to do the same. So when my brother had me on the ground and was pulling my arm back, I said nothing. It's strange, because I remember having this really calm though, as the tension increased, "oh, it's not your arm, it's your shoulder that breaks." I might have been able to do it, if he'd kept going but at the point where the resistance was super great, so that it was obvious to go further would break something, he stopped. He didn't let go, he just held it there. I tried to wait him out but all the while the pain was getting worse and finally I gave in and said whatever he wanted to say.
Well, and since I've gone this far. There were the games. Some was typical boy stuff, arm burns and things like that. Some, were normal games, but with extra violence added in. Like the hand slap game. Where you have to try to pull back your hands fast enough. He'd slap as hard as he could, intending to hurt. If you didn't play, the name calling would begin. And we would play football or a similar type of game. I was always the smallest and youngest playing. If I was getting tackled, the other guys, would hit just as hard as needed. They knew I was a little guy. My brother, hit me harder than anyone. That's how I ended up with a concussion.
Ok, I'm skipping a "game". Not sure why I am having so much trouble with this. He would cover my mouth with his hand. Ok, that could be legitimate play. But sometimes it wasn't and sometimes he'd pinch my nose close so I couldn't breath. The time I thought I was going to die, we'd been having a pillow fight. There's a part I don't remember, but it had moved from play to something else. I was down on the ground, the hits had been so hard. I may have gone down just to end the game. Then he put the pillow over my face and pushed down until I couldn't breath at all. I kept waiting for him to stop and wishing I could speak so I could tell him I couldn't breath. And then there was the point where everything inside was screaming (hard to explain) and I knew I wasn't going to be conscious much longer, and I believed I was going to die. That my brother had lost his restraint and there was no hope. The next thing I remember is sucking in air. When I could finally breath enough to talk, I said "you could have killed me". He said no, but he was super scared.
The thing is, he was also great. He protected me from the dad's anger and violence. He taught me things. In a lot of ways, he was more invested in teaching me, and helping me grow and be me than my parents. We played together a lot and had great and fun adventures. And my dad was especially awful to him, so I always figured that my brother was awful to me because of that. And he was super charismatic. He was funny and daring and could charm anyone if he wanted too. He was super smart and liked thinking about things and debating. I thought of him as my hero, which feels super embarrassing now.
All this has come to the surface because I've made friends with a guy at work who reminds me a lot of my brother. He's charismatic, smart, funny, and has been teaching me how to do my job better. He's all the good parts of my brother. But maybe he also has some of the bad parts too. He teases me. He teases everyone, but I guess I get more of it. And everyone teases me. I guess I invite teasing, but maybe he does more? Or can be a bit meaner? Or maybe it's just that I sometimes have bad days and then can't laugh it off? I also know he hits his brother. And we've been talking to our therapist and now I'm doubting the healthiness of this relationship and all this brother stuff is stirred up. And then yesterday(?) was sibling day and folks on Facebook were posting pictures of them with their siblings and saying nice stuff about them and meh. I'm not even sure what I want from this post. It's just been so much in my head (and nightmares).
