Abuse Trauma Is Partly My Fault

[bluelilly82]

Some of (a lot of) the abuse I went through from a parent was my fault. Maybe not the stuff when I was small, but the teenage stuff I was difficult, full of anger, very needy and clingy, cut myself, always argumentative and demanding attention. I didnt help myself- I invited the verbal, emotional and occasional physical abuse I received from him..... I was terrified of him but at same time anger would drive me to try and stand up for myself.....Also, does it count as verbal and emotional abuse when you are yelled at and belittled and sworn at because you have done something wrong, or made a mistake caused by thoughtlessness or carelessness? Isn't that just discipline????? So I feel I haven't got the right to be sad

I cant tell my therapist, She might leave me......I've been left too many times by therapists and others.

My sense of self was so fragile due to BPD, narcissistic traits and OCD that I would be very needy and was often told to go away and that I was a nuisance.

I look back and realize what a brat I was, ill or not........I can't shake the thought that my dad wasn't abusive just giving me the discipline I needed. Yet I was terrified of him and felt he was destroying my ego. annihilating me. But perhaps I was just being oversensitive to criticism......................

 

[DharmaGirl]

Bluelilly, one of the things about early abuse is that it makes you believe it was your fault. Yes, it counts as abuse. Discipline is meant to correct, not destroy.

Welcome to the site and I hope you get as much as I have out of the kindness and knowledge here.

 

[bluelilly82]

He was such a good man some of the time though, I often think I was imagining it.....and he would put me down about my weight all the time, even in front of people. But I did binge eat and I was too fat.

 

[DharmaGirl]

That is often the case with abusers, they are nice part of the time. How did putting you down about your weight help? It never helped me lose weight. Being fat can be a result of abuse. Monster

 

[bluelilly82]

I have been told I have a binge eating disorder on top of everything else, and cysts on my ovaries (PCOS), and no it never helped me, just made me more fat and more stroppy.

 

[saffy]

some of (a lot of) the abuse i went through from a parent was my fault

we may have the same parents ;)

It is not your fault. I used to think that all the time, then realised that the way I behaved in my teenage years is a reflection of my upbringing. NO wonder I was angry, I was never listen to, No wonder I was clingy I was always pushed away, made to feel unwanted, unworthy and unloved, no wonder I was on drugs, how else was I to block things out, no wonder I hated myself, I an never make them proud or happy of me. No wonder I fought back, no one was going to stand by me or see things from my side. No wonder I felt guilty, I was being manipulated all the way through.

One think that made me realise I was not in the wrong entirely was when I realised that my mother had been manipulating and non maternal all the way through and it was not an evil me after all. I go for nurture not nature for feeling and behaving like this.

And yes emotional abuse is just as, or maybe even worse that physical abuse, at least bruises heal. Once your mind in damaged it is very hard to deal with without turning it all on yourself with the blame and guilt and shame.

So yes feel sad, upset, mistreated, misjudged ect ect, you have the right to have these feelings, and these feelings don't just come for no reason eh ;)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[WesternSky]

Bluelilly,

I can tell you that people can make it feel as if it were your fault when it wasn't. If you're feeling that there are things you could have or should have done differently, (i.e. you feel you acted up at times) I think it would help you to realize that it either wasn't your fault at all (which is likely because discipline is not screaming, belittling, and verbal or physical abuse - that's just cruelty) or if you acted in a way that you wish you hadn't because of your illnesses, it is not your fault that they reacted so inappropriately. Your parents should have been helping you, not hurting you.Whatever action you may have taken, your parent was completely out of line in their response. Do not excuse their behavior, even if you still struggle with your feelings towards them being nice. You didn't bring this on yourself, and your therapist will recognize this if you are honest with him/her.

 

[shell]

All my life I believed I was responsible for making them abuse me, but now I realize that just isn't true. The rebellious teenager that I became as a result of their abuse wasn't my fault either, it was a reaction to abuse gone wrong.

When children can do no right, everything ceases to matter, because they can't ever please parents that expect perfection, when perfection is unatainable. When you are told that you are bad, a liar, a thief etc. often enough then you start to believe it, and think, what the hell I get beaten for it anyway, I might as well do what ever I like.

It's not your fault when you react to an impossible situation.

 

[The Albatross]

I too believe that I exacerbated the severity of some of the abuse I received in my bio family and first marriage. I had no tools for a successful marriage... and married a man who was as damaged as I was... neither of us had the ability to do a healthy relationship. I think of it in terms of a no fault car accident. Though if I were to keep score, I got the worst end of it.

I relate Blue Lilly to some of what you shared. Some of my worst, most violent abuse was when I would stand up for myself and try to stop the destructive patterns in my bio family home and my marriage. When I look back I can see a bunch of people... my parents, his parents, my spouse, myself, my brother, his brother... all acting out their dramas. Sort of ricocheting around causing all sorts of pain and destruction.

I did for a time, become extremely oversensitive and defensive ... most likely due to the frequency of being physically, sexually, and verbally attacked. Learning self parenting and boundary setting... working on changing or challenging some of my perspectives has helped to over come this. I'm better than I was... it has taken conscious effort and self examination.

edited to add: I have no problem accepting that I acted out a role in my familial and marital dysfunctional dynamic. I have thoroughly self examined my actions and motives, and have dealt with the shame, blame and grief. Mostly I am able now to move on. I hope you can too.

Good topic for a discussion.

 

[Britt.f7]

Your parents chose how to react to your behavior, you did not have control over that. They were adults, you were a child. Yes, in your teens you are still a child. These were people that had control.

My mother used to tell me that I provoked her, that it was my fault when she hit me. That I never knew when to let things go. The thing was, she had her moods. We weren't suppose to talk to her right away in the morning, or when she got home from work. When she decided a conversation was finished it was finished. No matter what. One day, when I was 18, she put her fingers around my throat and squeezed. I couldn't hit her because she was my mother. My sister saw and pulled her off of me. This was my fault (I know it wasn't). I got in trouble for showing anger and for not showing anything. I couldn't win. By the way, till the day she died, she denied doing that. Thankfully my sister was a witness or I'd think I was going mad.

Kids test their parents, that is part of their growing. As a parent, and an adult, you are suppose to be the one who has control over your reactions. They had choices, you were not responsible for them. You didn't make them do anything. I don't care how much "trouble" you were.

You have enough to deal with, without blaming yourself for something you truly weren't to blame for.

 

[MomOfTwo]

I think as a parent you have to 'model' behaviour that you want your children to exhibit. Children need to be nutured and loved to feel safe and secure and yelling is not going to do that. As a parent if you are a yeller and screamer I am pretty sure children will do the same when they need to communicate. Yelling and screaming is abusive.

 

[Shellbell]

I had a huge amount of guilt and shame for a long time about my parents - thinking it was my fault that they didn't love me and treated me badly.

I spent 2 (20's & 30's) decades trying to make them love me and feeling like I deserved the treatment I had from them as a child and teenager. I used to travel 200 miles to see them every month, gave them money, bought them food, always trying to get them to love me. My friends told me not to bother and that they weren't good parents, but I never listened. I felt it was my fault.

Now I do realise my early teenage behaviour - clingy, irritable, moody, attention seeking etc, was due to being sexually abused as a child, having no support after that and having abusive parents. My behaviour wasn't my fault. It was theirs, as they not only failed so badly as parents, but abused me. I'm having a hard time coming to terms with this now, but I do see the truth in it all now. And this is more than 20 years later.

Bluelilly82, it wasn't your fault, none of it. They were the parents - the adults and they chose to not react and respond to you in an appropriate parental way.

I hope you don't hold this guilt and shame that is NOT yours to carry for a long time. I hope you can start to see the truth in this soon.

Big (((((hugs))))).