Abuse Trauma Is Partly My Fault

[The Albatross]

On some level though, I had to acknowledge that... my parents were abused. My grandparents were abused. On at least one side my great grandmother was abused. The difficulty with fault finding for me, was that yes they were my parents... but the repetitive nature of abusive behavior couldn't be denied.

In my case, my parents actually " gave better than they got"... but were still abusive. As I came of age as a young woman... I learned some hard lessons about my propensity to cultivate relationships with people that "were familiar". They were familiar, because they were from dysfunctional backgrounds and that is what I understood. Also, I found in myself dysfunction. I was not at times, a victim. I didn't though know how to break the cycle and needed to learn. I acted out, and needed to own up to my part of some of the situations that lead to the problem. Though I didn't bear responsibility as a child, when I became an independent woman... I did have to own up to remorse, guilt, and shame... and understand that my default reactions were flawed.

 

[Spiderallis]

The things that happened when you were small were building the foundation for what went on during your teenage years. I went through an acting-out phase trying to get help, then I discovered drugs. Spent a good portion of my teenage years in and out of psych wards on suicide watch, always being treated for depression. It wasn't until the past year that my new T figured out the depression is stemming from the PTSD. It's not your fault, you knew you needed something and weren't sure what or how to ask for it.

 

[JustBe]

I look back and realize what a brat I was, ill or not........I can't shake the thought that my dad wasn't abusive just giving me the discipline I needed. Yet I was terrified of him and felt he was destroying my ego. annihilating me. But perhaps I was just being oversensitive to criticism......................
Book Club

Maybe I'm speaking out of turn, but when I was a teenager (and an adult with an abusive partner), I would sometimes feel the tension building , know that a blow up was coming and I would do or say something to make all hell break loose on my terms and get it over with. Somehow that felt like I had more control.

It was not healthy, not helpful in the long run, but there it is. When all you know is dysfunction, you find dysfunctional ways so cope and survive...to ease the pressure.