Abuser Died January 25th.

[winterose]

True. Sorry that I upset you.

I am not upset with you Brit. I was clarifying things for you. Sometimes I can be very blunt. I have had to learn to be so because I, at onetime, did give excuses and rationalizations towards those who minimized what I was going through. I'd ignore facts in order to avoid the pain from those facts or at worse I sacrificed my own pain for others to make peace.

When I did these things I dishonored myself, allowed those excuses to put me into situations that were neither healthy for me nor productive. I have to live with what happened to me. My folks got a free pass by ignoring what happened and not taking their responsibility in these matters. How I wish I was wrong, how I wish that things were the way you had stated. They aren't and never will be. And that in itself gives me great pain because whatever good or joy happened is lost in the acts of people that I should have been protected from. That all of us should have been protected from.

I hope this takes some of the sting out of my bluntness. However, I can no longer to afford giving energy towards what isn't true but by what is. This in itself is painful enough and it's taken me this long to be brave enough to see it, let alone allow my feelings of grief over it.

Saffy, I'm getting there. I'll be ok. The fog is starting to lift. The real sadness is how much I have put myself through in order to avoid pains, peoples reactions etc.

MagiLisu, Thanks Magi for your words of encouragement.

Thank you all for your inputs. These are things I will be working with in therapy.

 

[Britt.f7]

did give excuses and rationalizations towards those who minimized what I was going through. I'd ignore facts in order to avoid the pain from those facts or at worse I sacrificed my own pain for others to make peace.

I was hoping you noticed in the rest of my post, I was having the same difficulty with the rationalization part. It is both a part I hate and like about myself. I'm working on it. I didn't mean, even if that was her excuse, that that would make up for what she did to you or that she should be excused. I certainly don't think the things I'm struggling with regarding the man/boy who attacked me makes what he did any less horrible.

I'm use to bluntness. Grew up with it. It just throws me off once in awhile and I'll adjust.

Thank you for clearing things up. ~Britt

 

[winterose]

I wrote this in my diary. Which I am working on fixing now to a less flooded state of being. But I wanted to share this part of what I wrote as part of the new start of my diary. I will eventually open my diary up but not now. Not until I am stronger and can take criticism much better then right now.

There you are dead. I will get past you. I will get past what you did to me. I will have a better life. You hurt me in so many ways. You and Leo. You were not innocent. You got off so f*cking easy. Even my parents outlasted you. Nomore letters. Nomore stalkings. Nomore. I am free of you and your lies.

It is time for me to live my own life now without worry. Without all this pain. While I am ripping my heart out in therapy, I will overcome you. And then once this journey is done. You will be but a small spec that once was on the earth. That left horrible memories for others. Me. I will make my mark. People will remember me for who I am. Who I loved. And what I risked. I will be ok. I am seeing it a little everyday. I was meant to run with wild horses. To dance in the sunlight and rains. I was meant to hold butterflies. I was meant to sing with the birds. I was meant to hold a child in love. I was meant to hold a friend in pain. I was meant to run with dogs. I was meant to hold with wolf packs. Many of these things are already been or are. I can love.

All these things you can't do, nor ever will do, or be. For you used each of these things for your own darknesses. So may this diary be you testimony. Your Epitaph of the life you lived and wasted.

 

[Britt.f7]

Sounds very cathartic. Makes me think of my attacker who died. Thank you for sharing it with us.

 

[winterose]

Thanks Brit. I very much appreciate that.