'abuser' Doesn't Remember The Abuse? Feel Like I'm Lying.

[IndigoButterfly]

I hate using that word but... my father...(abuser) denies the way he was when I was a child...and the way he is now. All throughout my childhood and the abuse, whenever I aid to him about it, he denied it. Literally even if it had just happened, my face red with tears and so upset and confused, he would act like nothing happened and we were best friends. It just made no sense. He still does it now, if we ever get into an argument or he is being overly critical as he always is.. if I walk away and come back literally a few minutes later he will either still be critical and in a mood or the COMPLETE opposite - childish, happy, 'carefree', like he is your friend and expects you to feel the same. It screws with my head and always has. I used to think he must be lying, because he wants to mess with my head or maybe (i doubt it) but he regretted what he had just done.

But, it does almost seem he genuinely has no idea what had just happened a few minutes before when he was this horrible horrible man that would become angry and chase his young child up the stairs for not eating her dinner fast enough and if she ran she would be chased and caught and hit, and then left like a piece of dirt not even understanding what had happened. He would never leave it,ever, he always had to chase me, shove his foot in the door so I couldn't hide.. and then hurt me. I just don't understand, how can you do that and then be completely different, like he is my friend all of a sudden. Im left there with the aftermath of what he had just done while he stands there happy and childlike,trying to joke with me and laugh and be normal and not understanding why Im not normal with him.

It makes me feel like I just imagined the whole thing every time.. but I haven't, I really haven't :( It makes me feel so messed up and confused, I just want to know, why.. is he lying? or is he genuinely so messed up himself he doesn't know? Does anyone else experience this?

I hate it SO much, but I am forced to still live in this house with him (and family) since I have nowhere else to live. Feel so confused :cry:

 

[IndigoButterfly]

* also if it makes any difference.. there is a history of BPD in the family (his mother and my sister) both suffer with borderline personality disorder.. he would never admit he displays any form of it but from my experience of BPD,he has traits of it.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Butterfly,

It does sound very crazy making. Maybe you want to look at "gaslighting". I really can't say why he is doing it and if he knows or not but I do understand how upsetting it is when people deny what they do.

There might be reasons why he would not remember but that does not change what is happening and how you feel about it and having your reality undermined.

 

[Ali1157]

I'm sorry. I felt the same way as you do for a long time. I eventually sought help from a counsellor that seemed to validate my feelings and memories.

I hope you will be able to find peace.

 

[IndigoButterfly]

Thank you for your replies. :hug: It is just so frustrating because obviously, I can't ask him to explain it. :(

 

[Tinyflame]

I've found the same with others' drinking, re: physical or SA, or verbal abuse. What am I supposed to say, after? When it's denied and you're called crazy? And what if it truly can't be recalled. Doesn't change those moments though.

I'm sorry. :( (((((IndigoButterfly)))).

 

[JustBe]

I spent most of my preteen and teen years in a similar dysfunctional relationship with my mother. No physical abuse, but emotional, verbal, mental...

Eventually I left home and distanced myself for many years. Only recently (I am 52, she 82) have we truly reconciled and moved on.

I understand your pain and want to say that you are NOT crazy, even if nobody believes you.

 

[Lucycat]

My father denied any memory of the abuse he did to me and others. However the evidence was overwhelming - 6 now adult little girls telling the same story to the police in statements. Other adult little girls with similar stories that they told the police but could not face giving formal statements.

He was convicted and found guilty. He served a prison sentence. But to the best of my knowledge he still denies any memory. He pleaded guilty because he said if so many people say it is true then it must be - but he doesn't remember. The judge essentially said that was bullsh*t. That was him denying responsibility.

He is now on the sex offenders register for the rest of his life.

Indigobutterfly, I fear you will go round in circles trying to get him to admit and face it. It is his protective mechanism and I suspect nothing you can say or do will change that. Even with evidence in his face he can deny it. It is a bit like the toddler with chocolate all over his face saying 'it wasn't me'.

My advice to you would be to investigate ways that you can make this less important to you. If you are in therapy that would be a good place to discuss it. I wish that you were able to distance yourself and be safe from him. You deserve more than this.

Best wishes,
Lucy x

 

[Sues]

It is his protective mechanism and I suspect nothing you can say or do will change that.

I agree. My abuser would go off on me and then just a few minutes later act like everything was fine. It makes no sense. To this day he denies anything he did, and he always will.

 

[Tanishq]

Hi IndigoButterfly,

My parents do deny the abuse they give me. but I and they are very well aware that they have done something very wrong with me. Lately I have started moving on from this and it makes me feel good.

yes, you'll have to move on from this. basically it's not you. It's they who are trying to mess with your head and want you to keep under their abusive behavior.

Even with evidence in his face he can deny it. It is a bit like the toddler with chocolate all over his face saying 'it wasn't me'.

I pretty much agree with this post. It makes great sense.

No matter how long ago the abuse was happened by abuser, abuser knows deep down about it all. They will lie to get rid of it. They will try to turn wrong into truth. They will mess with our heads.

Hope this helps.

All the best to you. :)

 

[Abstract]

I fear you will go round in circles trying to get him to admit and face it. It is his protective mechanism and I suspect nothing you can say or do will change that.

I think others have said much that is helpful here. And I think Lucycat is right. It took me a long time to accept that trying to change problematic people doesn't work and is just re injuring in and of itself. Its like repeatedly hitting our heads against a brick wall in some ways and yet thinking the next time it won't happen.

See if you can do all you can to protect and distance yourself and get professional support. I actually think invalidation can be one of the worst and most crazy making things.

 

[saffy]

Hi indigobutterfly

I have copied this post from Pencil on another thread, I am sure they will not mind. But it is interesting and realted to your post. :)

Judith Herman explains the reluctance of people to become involved:

"It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator.

All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering...

In order to escape accountability for his crimes, the perpetrator does everything in his power to promote forgetting. Secrecy and silence are the perpetrator's first line of defense. If secrecy fails, the perpetrator attacks the credibility of his victim. If he cannot silence her absolutely, he tries to make sure that no one listens. To this end, he marshals an impressive array of arguments, from the most blatant denial to the most sophisticated and elegant rationalization. After every atrocity one can expect to hear the same predictable apologies: it never happened; the victim lies; the victim exaggerates; the victim brought it upon herself; and in any case it is time to forget the past and move on. The more powerful the perpetrator, the greater is his prerogative to name and define reality, and the more completely his arguments prevail."

Families don't want to be polarized by what they see as solely 'our' stuff. I think only on rare occasions will family members pay attention, while they will often use PTSD or its symptoms as a weapon against the victim.

best wishes
Saffy :) ​