'abuser' Doesn't Remember The Abuse? Feel Like I'm Lying.

[saffy]

I can also relate though. Last time I tried to talk to my stepdad about the abuse he laughed in my face saying it was nothing like that, I was wrong and I was so violent it was the only way to control me.

Can't figure that one out.:wacky: It was at this point I decided that If they could not take some responsibility for their actions I would not be part of their lives and as soon as possible I disowned them.

best wishes
Saffy

 

[Tanishq]

Saffy that post is very good analysis.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes Saffy, I had that experience many years ago, could post the same with slightly differenting wording. And replace 'disown' with 'distance'.

(((((Saffy and All))))

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I'm sorry you have this to 'carry' into life. You don't say how old you are...hopefully you will be able to leave eventually!

It is classic abuser behaviour as is said very well in previous posts. He can pretend it didn't happen, but you know. Too bad you can't record things as they happen. Trust yourself, and don't let him make you doubt yourself. He most likely believes his own lies after so long!

Reaching out for support is the best thing to do, and you are doing it here.

Blessings & good thoughts being sent from me to you!

 

[maddog]

Whether or not he knows what he did, remembers what he did, acknowledges what he did, can control what he did etc, is not the point. The fact is that he repeatedly and viciously abused you and his behaviour is now constituting re-abuse and retraumatisation for you the longer you are subjected to his ongoing presence.

All you can own in this situation is your own perception and your own behaviour, and safe and healthy support, including from a trauma therapist, and taking any available steps to distance yourself from him and begin to enforce both physical and emotional boundaries, must be your healing priorities here. I agree with Abstract that invalidation is among the most damaging forms of retraumatising behaviour, and even if his physical abuse of you has stopped, you will continue to be abused by him as long as you are in his presence.

I'm so sorry this horrific situation is continuing for you and wish you all the best in beginning to plan to take back the life that is rightfully yours to live free of his control and manipulation.

Maddog

 

[Mary Black]

This is a terrible thing to experience and yet most of the time when people do rotten stuff they do deny it. It's like a second layer of hurt because it betrays a lack of awareness or caring; the abuser would prefer to deny their guilt or even blame you. Sorry that he won't work with you to try to heal the damage he's done.

All throughout my childhood and the abuse, whenever I aid to him about it, he denied it.

 

[IndigoButterfly]

A huge thankyou to everybody here that has replied, it means a great deal to have your support and I don't feel so crazy now that I know this is common from abusers. It really is a huge struggle but over the years I am learning more and more to just distance myself, I shrug off his critical behaviour and almost pity him that he has such a negative life. I refuse to be like him, and I think the happier and more stable I can make my future, that is the best way to prove he does not have control over me any more and he never will have that control again. There is alot of aftermath but once I can be in my own home, I know this will improve alot more, and I just have to make the most of my situation while I am here still in 'his' home.

From what most of you have mentioned, I am not expecting a change or for him to admit he knows what happened or that he ever even did those things. But, I just have to learn to trust myself, I know it was real and that is a horrible truth, but I must move on and whether he remembers it or not, I am going to make my life a happy one, one he can't have any say in. Thankyou all so much :hug: You are wonderful people x

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Pathological and/or habitual liars begin to believe themselves, I think, so that they can be more convincing. I was married to one.

Success IS the best 'revenge' and tool for recovery!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Look at Jerry Sandusky. Mountains of evidence against him and he still denies everything from prison!
My dad said if he had it to do over he would do the same things mabe even worse.

He never apologized. He said, minimized, he had a hairtrigger temper as if he had not control over it and it was a part of his personality.

I really feel for you. Denial is insidious and very crazymaking. You are going to have to heal and recover alone on your own. You are not crazy and you are not a liar.

It really happened. I have read that this type of denial is willful unconsciousness which is evil.

My heart goes out to you. I am wishing you healing and peace of mind as time passes and you work on your recovery. Hugs.

 

[Abstract]

I think people have said so many wonderful and helpful things on here. I am glad it has helped you. I think the reason why you have received so many responses is that so many of us relate in one way or another. And that someone gaslighting, denying or minimising what we have experienced is excruciatingly painful and crazy making. I think that is largely because they are eroding our selves and belief in ourselves. Its like a type of murder of who we are and our ability to trust ourselves. Horrid.

Thank you for the thread and to those who answered for all the helpful responses.