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Abusive Fantasies

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And, MI, I've also have questioned my sexuality, too. I know I am not a lesbian, but I have been very attracted to women and find them more appealing and sexy to watch than men at times. I wonder why this happens...?

I found the porn with male and females boring lol... and I think a lot of my "attraction" to women is just jealousy & envy really... I know on a true deeper level that I love men. I fantasize about them "properly" (and sexually) and most importantly I fancy them in real life. I don't think any of those lesbian dreams would have occurred to me if I hadn't been molested.
 
Yeah, I agree. I think I find the women sexy because I wish I had bodies like them, perhaps? I'm more turned on by watching a man have sex with a woman than saying he wants to have sex with me. I think it all has to do with body image. Although when I was in grade school I kind of had a crush on 2 girls in my class. Not sexual, but just liked them I guess? Perhaps I wanted to be like them. But as far as relationships go, I like men. I get along better with men for the most part. Most women I've met in my life have been too catty and drama-prone for my taste. It saddens me, though, that I've never had a close female friend. The last and only "close" female friend I had totally destroyed my life. So she wasn't really ever a friend. Long story, but, once again, I befriended someone who was abusive and jealous of me instead of a true friend. Because of her, I lost a lot and started my battle with clinical depression. I always wanted a "girlfriend" to hang out with and be close to; like a sister. But I guess just having my boyfriend is good enough. Now at least I have someone. Before I met him, I truly had nobody in my life.
 
When I do fantasize about men they are always white (my abuser was a white male - I'm mixed, black Caribbean & Irish) and I feel like I want a white man but I feel so, so ashamed about it. I link wanting one to the abuse and I can only speak for myself and not anyone else that feels they want a white man. Although I fancy a man from practically any race preferably I really like men that are mixed like me or that look like they are.

There's a theory about a "lovemap" that suggests that our surroundings and experiences in childhood can mold our sexuality. I think the man that this idea originated from is called John Money... in the book I read it in this man said that once a lovemap is formed trying to change it is like trying to change native language. Sexuality all seems so complex to me!
 
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