Acceptance Of Dementia Care Of Elderly Parent Requiring Nursing Home Care.

[ms spock]

Hello,

Papa Bear has dementia. My partner has been looking after his father for 7 years now. I was wondering if anyone had any resources or things to say about PB needing to be in full time care now.

Thanks,
ms spock

 

[Powder]

This is so hard to go through. It's so hard to watch someone decline in this way, slowly and gradually. It can be very challenging to get some people to accept that the decline is actually occurring as severely as it really is. I'm not sure if that is happening with your partner or if that person is on the same page with you on full time care at this point.

Is your partner looking into options there where you live? What is the consensus?

I hope you find some peace on what is best. It's hard to let go and trust others to care for the aging parent.

 

[ms spock]

Papa Bear (PB) is in respite care for one month @Muse.

We have come to the place where we can't do six weeks on (Have PB at home and care for him here) and two weeks off (meaning Papa Bear being in respite care.) B and I have come to terms that we can only do five weeks on and two weeks off. But given the deterioration in the last few weeks I am doubting five weeks now.

With the in home care - we get three showers per week Mondays, Wednesday and Fridays. A carer come in on Tuesday afternoons and Thursday mornings. He has made good friends with the carers. PB goes to day respite care on Wednesdays and Fridays. He has some good friends from day respite care as well. A selection of both carers and friends came to his 85th Birthday party that I cooked for last Saturday.

Last time PB was in respite care (six weeks ago) B said he wouldn't accept going in for three weeks respite care again but he is now in for four weeks and I just visited him and he is hanging out with friends, he is okay and generally critical of certain people - so he has settled in.

We can barely manage him at home any more due to sheer exhaustion and how volatile, angry, aggressive, verbally abusive, frustrated, raging he has major meltdowns about invisible boxes and lost things that were never there. If we hear a shower at 4.13am we get up at 4.13am.

I no longer insist he uses a cane or walker as he is getting so aggressive, frustrated and angry about things. I can't mind him on my own any longer. He really shouldn't be left on his own.

He is most unreasonable - he can barely walk but will steal the ladder and climb up it.

He doesn't care about how anything he does affects anyone else.

 

[jaccat]

Any chance you can get B to start visiting him a little less? Obviously I don't know how often you go but from what you've said it sounds like fairly frequently. This could be adding to the problem, creating more confusion for Papa Bear. It could be that by gradually increasing the times between when you see him B may begin to see how much happier he is in respite.

Other than that it's just getting B to see the home as a positive environment, get him to note the better behaviour, the safety of having so many carers and an environment tailored to his needs. It's probably not helpful now, I don't know exactly what stage he's at, but in the end Papa Bear will forget he has another home and not want to leave.

Have you checked out any of the dementia websites or forums? One that I found incredibly helpful and supportive was the forum connected the the Alzheimer's society here in the UK (it's called Talkingpoint). There were people from all over the world, sufferers and carers, and the wealth of knowledge, experience and advice was invaluable to me.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I worked once as an Jr. Accountant in a Tax Firm and my boss/owner developed Alzheimer coupled with another rare disease. The decline was gradual and frustrating on many levels as I started helping with his home care as the family turned a blind eye. Trying to locate his family and having his brother & son accept the reality did not fair well. No one wanted to make that move to place him in proper care because he was so adamant about staying home.

He became as you are saying Papa Bear is appearing as well as acting in rage, ect. I was exhausted trying to coordinate his survival, perhaps I enabled them by taking on such a scale of responsibility. However, I did not have the power to enforce his needed 24/7 care. One day as I was handling his office, working on my Master's Degree and had just finished checking on him (running back and forth his food and such between two states) he fell and could not reach his phone. Sadly he was found the next morning by his housekeeper in that position and he had passed.

This is not a happy ending story but it is a true one. Sometimes, the family needs to do what needs to be done out of compassion. It is not the same as not caring, it is actually the opposite. We all have limits but my guilt was heavy. It may hurt their feelings by having them placed in a proper facility, but that very act may be the kindness that is needed. Denial is no one's friend.

Take what you need and leave the rest.~ Offered in respect and luv to you and yours.

 

[ms spock]

Any chance you can get B to start visiting him a little less?

He actually lives with us most of the time. We get respite care where he goes for a couple of weeks though.

 

[The Albatross]

I would think that a good source of information about this can/could be found on sites with a caregiver/support forum? Edited to add: ... for dementia/Alzheimer's.

 

[scout86]

Would full time care be possible at the same place he goes for respite care? It sounds like a great place and wonderful people.

I don't have a specific resource for you, just a thought.

Obviously, these situations are complicated as is the shifting relationship between adult children and aging parents. An advantage of PB NOT living with the 2 of you is that you both can just enjoy visiting with him as much as possible without all the stress that comes from providing care. His quality of life may well improve, in the care of professionals, and his son can just enjoy HIM as much as possible, for as long as possible, which might improve the quality of their remaining time together. Rather than it being "giving up" or "abandoning his father", full time professional care might really be a win/win deal.

 

[Changing4Best]

Even though I had promised my husband I would keep him out of a nursing home as long as I could, eventually the time came when I was just not able to take care of all his needs at home. I had to let him go into a nursing home. It was hard, very hard on him in fact, as he was used to me caring for his every need. At first he tried to refuse the nurses the right to care for him, he did not like their ways. He demanded that he wanted me and no one else to care for him. I had to "disappear" for awhile, until he finally accepted the nurses' caring for him. It was hard on both of us, but eventually it all worked out. His dementia was one of the main causes that landed him in nursing care; he had become violent. They also were able to give him some kind of shots that could not be administered to him in the home, which calmed him down and he was then no longer violent.

 

[jaccat]

Sorry, I meant while he was in respite. I got the impression B was still visiting him there. Just a thought, but this could lead to him being more unsettled?

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @Ms Spock, I will come back but I have to go towork (I do such care for a living & went through it with a senior aunt).

In the meantime try to remember that, as per:

He doesn't care about how anything he does affects anyone else.

he is actually not able to care, versus willfully choosing to be difficult.

Just like with ptsd supporters, you need to take care of yourselves.

PS, often I find the violent behaviour indicates a med change required, physical issue not expressed (eg bad tooth, poor fitting dentures), a urinary tract infection, +/or him not expressing something he is thinking & feeling ('suspecting' such-&-such). Also the dynamic of being able to know how or when or with whom he can exhibit it with.

A HUGE part is that he will respond to your vibes- YOUR internal state as well.

Many hugs for you all. :hug:

 

[sun seeker]

I won't comment on the care decision, but do have a resource to share: a book called Validation by Naomi Feil. I work with dementia patients and am getting lots out of reading about the method she outlines.